Salesforce = Salesfuct

Who in god's name created this freaking monster.  "Good morning sales reps, and we want to know what you're doing every minute of every day including your days off, and if you don't want to do it.  Well, you're fired."

Salesforce go fuck yourself.

I have worked with a number of different online sales scheduling "tools", and this is the best and the worst.  It's the best because it offers a lot of content and capability if you know how to use it correctly.  It's the worst because now it makes your boss conscious of every move you make in the field, and it takes up all your time to "fill in the blanks" of your work day.  It's really not a tool for the sales team, but more of a way to track a rep's activity.  You spend 5 hours a week in some cases just entering all the date required. And for what?  So the managers know what you're doing every minute, of every hour, of every day.  Why do they need to know that information, if you're selling?

Years ago, after attending corporate training on a variety of subjects including hiatal hernias, I received a phone call and an email with the first healthcare company I ever worked for informing me that I wasn't filling out the fields correctly in Salesforce. Subsequently this was confusing everyone, and by everyone I mean the people at corporate monitoring sales activity.  I wasn't confused with the information. but apparently the "watch dogs" at corporate didn't appreciate my brevity of sales data. I informed them that the 1 hour session at corporate that they spent going over the damn thing wasn't really enough time to grasp what the hell I was supposed to be entering, and if they wanted it done correctly they might want to spend a little more than 60 minutes covering the subject.  Here was the answer I received:

"Go to Youtube and check out the online tutorials.  They'll explain how it works.", my corporate trainer advised me on how to resolved the issue.

"Wait.  What?  You want me to learn on my own because the training wasn't adequate enough at corporate?"

" There is a lot to cover for new hires and we rely on these videos to help you. You need to review the videos and then start entering in your contacts and information correctly."

" I'm at 120% to quota right now and you want me to spend one hour each day to learn Salesforce? Why?"

" What do you mean why?  Because you have to do it. That's why!  Everyone has to do it."

" But why? It doesn't make sense.  Wouldn't my time be better spent in the field?"

" I'm not your manager so I can't answer that question."

" Even if your weren't my manager, how is this helping me sell accounts?"

" What do you mean?  It helps you track all of the information you have regarding accounts, and it has all your marketing pieces and you can even email people straight from salesforce.com.  It's an invaluable tool for the sales reps."

" I have a day planner for scheduling on my blackberry which is synced to my laptop computer which helps me schedule appointments in Outlook, so why do I need salesforce.  Especially since we have a separate website dedicated to marketing pieces. So again, why do I need to use salesforce?"

" What?  You need salesforce because everything is in one place and it's a handy reference tool for the reps.  What do you mean?  Are you saying you're not going to fill out the information?"

" No, that's not what I'm saying.  I'm saying that this is all BS.  Salesforce is not a tool for me it's a tool to track me. I have plenty of tools to help me; a laptop, a blackberry, a sales binder.  Salesforce isn't helping me, it's helping corporate keep an eye on me. "

" No it's not.  I don't want to have this conversation anymore.  Do you want me to call your manager?", I could tell that I my phone call was upsetting.  It was as if I were questioning someone's faith.

" You can call her, but I asked her the same question.  Just admit that it's created to track our results and not to help us and I'll hang up the phone and review the tutorials."

"  I will not say that.  It's a tool to help you schedule your day and assist you in the field."

" No it's not . It takes me out of the field and I can schedule my day on Outlook.  Just say it and I'll hang up.  C'mon admit it."

" I will not.  I'm calling your manager the minute we end this call."

" If you say it's made to monitor my activity I'll hang up right now and review the tutorials."

" I won't.  I will say this, if you don't start filling it out correctly I will report it to the VP, which I'm going to anyway and you'll be in trouble."

" Okay suit yourself.  I'll call my manager right now.  Thanks for the phone call and I'll review those tutorials just so I don't get in trouble."

" Good.  I'm glad you came to your senses.  Can I expect the information to updated by Monday of next week?"

" Sure.  Cause I'm sure everyone will be looking at it to make sure I'm entering in my data correctly, not whether I'm selling or not."

" Regardless of what you think.  It must done."

"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to go now, I have to rearrange my schedule and cancel a few appointments this week so I can make sure I get my salesforce homework done.  Have a nice day."

" Your manager will be..." Click, and I hung up the phone.

"Hmmm. Must of dropped the call. FU and F salesforce."  I said to myself, and I went back to reviewing pictures of weird people at Walmart on Youtube.  There would be plenty of time to review the tutorials later.

-M

Go To Meeting = Go To Sleep

Lately, I've had to participate in a number of Go To Meeting Webinars and I have to say I am very impressed with the technology and not at all impressed with the content.  This is a great tool for managers to completely bore the shit out of their field reps and to waste everyone's time by requiring you to be in front of a computer when we should be in front of a customer.  It is a wonderful tool to get your message across but it is overused by managers.

Here is a perfect example, I am on a Go To Meeting Webinar as I am writing this post.  That's right!  I am so damn bored with the content that I decided why not post something since I have the time and I am completely disinterested.  This is supposed to be a 2 hour meeting!  I don't know about you, but I can't sit for 2 hours in front of a computer, and I have the attention span of a 6 year old.  This is why I'm in sales.  Hello?  So I plan to do the dishes, clean up the bathroom, write a post, and watch some television while killing 2 hours of time listening to "blah, blah, blah, health care initiative, blah , blah, blah, reimbursement." 

Last Friday,  I had to participate in three of these meetings.  Three!  I wasted a whole day in my home office attending meetings which gave me some information but not enough to justify me running around trying to meet with customers and then running home to attend a meeting.  A question you may have is "Why do you need to be at home?"  The answer is simple.  My phone dies during the meetings since it is functioning as a wi-fi portal and working as a cell phone for the audio portions of the meeting.  The battery is drained in no time due to this dual function.  So home is the best way to keep the phone charged and utilize my home Internet connection to make sure I don't miss a thing.  Why?  Because these meetings and the content are so riveting!

One thing I learned early on in my sales and management career is not to lose the audience.  I try to feel out the people I'm speaking with, to make sure I have their attention, otherwise it's just a waste of my time and their time.  So my meetings are short and sweet.  I get my message across, interact with the audience, and try to keep the meeting moving swiftly.  In fact, I open the meeting by stating, "Please try not to fall asleep during the meeting."  Unfortunately other presenters are not as conscious of losing people's interest and so their meeting drone on until the participants want to smash their cell phones and kick in the monitor of their computers. 

I think my dog is more interested in these types of meetings then I am. And I'm sure that the rest of you would agree.  No one is paying attention during these meetings because they are intrusive and TOO LONG!  Most people are drinking coffee, cleaning their house, taking care of their kids, and getting ready for the day.  Some of them might even be having sex who knows.  I would love for everyone in "attendance" at these online meetings to turn on their webcams all at once, just to see what people are really doing.  I guarantee more than half, are not paying attention!  Why?  Boring, boring, boring.

I don't know about you but for me Go To Meeting = Go Do Something Else.

Have a good day selling and I hope you don't have too many meetings!

-M

What We Say And What We Really Mean-2

If all was right with the world, we could tell customers whatever we were thinking.  Unfortunately, that is not how things work in the business climate of today, and sometimes we say one thing when we really mean something else.  Here's a few more

                       What We Say                                                              What We Really Mean

"I see here that your order shipped out today."          "Shit, I better make sure that order goes out today."

"You are my favorite customer.  You know that?"            "You're my favorite customer....at this moment."

"I just love your necklace.  It's beautiful. "                      "Wow! Where did she buy that thing?  A garage sale?"

" I like that watch.  Where did you get it?"                "I don't give a damn about your watch. I'm checking the time."

"Oh is that your wife/husband in this picture?"         "Oh someone actually had the courage to marry you?"

"That is a beautiful blouse.It looks great on you."   "Is that a half leopard/cheetah print?Who is she? The Lion King?"

"The benefit to you will be a reduction in costs."        "And the benefit to me will be an increase in commissions."

"Our product has been know to limit viral infection."    "I am not a clinical person, but I hope you believe this bullshit."

"Our competitor's product does not perform as well."     "They sold you a load of crap and you believed them?"

"Yes the competition offers lower prices than us.I know."  "Those mother fuckers are operating sweat shops in China!"

"I like your make up today.  It's very natural and subtle."     "Holy shit. She needs more make up. I think I'm blind."

Have a great day selling!  More to come.

-M

What We Say and What We Really Mean -1

All of us in sales, service, customer service, production, or any facet of business that deals with customers have to watch carefully what we say.  Unfortunately we are not allowed to express our true, and wholly justified, feelings about a situation to a customer.  So I put together a few words and phrases that we find ourselves uttering daily to customers, but I also listed the true meaning of the word or phrase we wished to convey. 

                   
                What We Say                                                               What We Really Mean

"Good morning.How can I help you?"                 "Why are you bothering me while I'm enjoying my coffee?"

" I apologize and I'll take care of that right away."               "Good luck getting your stuff now.You asshole."

" That was a miscommunication on our part."               "How many times did I tell you it took 3 days? Idiot!"

" I checked the tracking number. It should be there."                  "Are you stupid? Look on your porch."

" Oh I must have written down the wrong item number."           "You gave me the wrong item number."

" I'm sorry doctor, you're right.  That's my fault."                      "What a moron!Glad he's/she's not my doctor."

" Sometimes people are confused during surgery."                    "I think you may have removed the wrong organ."

" I would love to do that, but I'm not sure it's legal."                    " Do I look that stupid to you?"

" Unfortunately I can't do that because of regulations."                 "Do I look that stupid to you?"

" We can only act within the government guidelines."               "For the last time!Do I look that stupid to you?"

" Yeah, I've run out of free samples.  Sorry."                                     "No more freebies. Order something!"

" Sorry, but there is a cost involved.  It's not free."               "Are you kidding me?  You're such a cheap ass."

" I would love to do that for free, but I can't sorry."                    " What the hell?  Is you're stuff free?"

" I understand my competitor says it's free."                           " Those bastards are lying through their teeth."

" Unfortunately, I can't go any lower on the price."                   "I'm done negotiating miss/mr.penny pincher."


These are just a few.  Stay tuned for more next week.  Have a great day selling!

-M

Where Do I Park?

Nothing to me is worse than getting a parking ticket.  NOTHING! To me it's like throwing money away, and despite my efforts to avoid getting a ticket, it sometimes happen in this crazy town known as Los Angeles where the parking restrictions change by the minute.  I'm not kidding, BY THE MINUTE.  I was reminded of this  because I woke up this morning and my new neighbor had a ticket on her car, and she was not happy.

As I found out myself when I moved in to my new place, it turns out you can park in certain spots everyday of the week, except 2 am to 3 am on Wednesday mornings.  Why?  Who the hell knows!  Nothing about street sweeping, squirrel crossings, or grunion runs. No words on the signs indicated why it was illegal to park in this area at that particular hour.  What made it even more painful for me, was the fact that I had just purchased a parking permit because when I initially moved into my new place, I received 2 tickets the very first night!

The tickets should have just read, "Greetings from the City of Angels.  We are aware you just moved here and cannot purchase a permit since it is the weekend.  As a result,  we are going to make your move even more unpleasant, and give you 2 complimentary tickets for overnight parking.  Enjoy your weekend asshole. Hahahaha!"

When I came out my front door, with my dog, my neighbor was looking at the ticket and she seemed really pissed off.
"I have a parking permit.  Why did I get a ticket?", she asked me.

"That is kind of weird.  Where were you parked?", I asked her as I was holding my dog by its leash.
"Across the street.  Why?"

"Where across the street?  Were you in front of the City Park or to the side of the Park?"
" What does that have to do with anything?", she looked confused.
" If you park to the one side on Wednesday mornings they give you a ticket... for overnight parking."

" What?  That's why I bought the fucking permit so I wouldn't get another ticket. I got three already."

" The same thing happened to me when I first moved in.  Apparently you can't park in 6 spaces to the left of the City Park on Wednesday mornings from 2 am to 3 am. Even with a permit."

"What? Why?"

" Good question.  I never asked why. I think it has something to do with city maintenance workers or something. They park their vehicles there for training or something."

" So just those six spots?  That's it.  And only on Wednesdays."

" No. You also can't park there on Sunday nights from 2 am to 6 am even with a permit, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10 am to 6 pm."

" What?  When can you actual park on the street?"

" Oh wait and Monday mornings from 8 am to 11:30 am you can't park in that area either."

" Are you joking?  Seriously?"

" I'm not joking.  Look at all the signs.", I said and pointed at the area she had parked in.  There were 6 parking signs in an area designated for about ten parking spots in front of the City Park.

" I'll just park the car in my garage."

" You can't do that either.  There's a city ordinance against parking in your garage without a permit."

" Bullshit!"

" You're right I'm joking there isn't a city ordinance, but good luck getting into that little garage."

" Wow.  Are you the neighborhood Debbie Downer? Jesus you'd think we live in San Francisco or New York City."

I laughed, "Nope, but I went through the same shit when I moved in.  You'll figure it out after a while and to be honest the only problem parking is on Sunday nights when all of the rules are in effect.  Finding a spot then is a bitch."

" Well thanks for enlightening me.  But I still have one serious problem with parking here."

" What's that?", I said and now I was confused.

" There's a boot on my car now.", she said and she motioned for me to come to the other side of the car, and sure enough there was a yellow boot on front tire on the driver's side. 

" Damn! I'm so sorry.",

" Fuck my life. ", she said.

" Welcome to the neighborhood.", I said and smiled.  Then my dog peed on her shoe.

" Perfect.", she said and we both just laughed.

Be careful where you park and be aware of all the posted signs, because there's nothing worse than getting a parking ticket.  Except maybe getting a parking ticket, a boot on your car, and pee on your shoes.  Have a great day!

-M

Separate Yourself From The Competition

Last week, I was trying to think of a way to differentiate myself from my competitors and aside from all the features and benefits, which I've been through a hundred times with my customers, I needed something else.  I couldn't just rely on the old standards which had worked before because to be honest my company had failed to deliver on a few promises, and so the customer's perception was that "I" had failed to deliver on "my" promises.  I don't separate myself from the company when things go bad, that's the sign of a poor sales person.  You can't do that, otherwise not only do you lose credibility,so does the company and before you know it; you've lost the account.

So one particular customer had been unhappy with the service because THEY had ordered product incorrectly, picked the wrong item codes, and as a result the order was screwed up.  First of all, you can't tell your customer, "Well the order was wrong because you're a dumb shit and you gave us the wrong product codes."  Instead you say, "I guess there was a miscommunication on our part as to the specific products you wanted."

 Or if you're in medical sales you can't say, "You and your stupid staff can't fill out the Medi-Care paperwork because you're retarded, so they didn't approve the order for reimbursement".  Instead you have to say, "It was my understanding we didn't ask you for all the information correctly, and so the order wasn't approved.  That's our fault for not verifying all of the information.  I'm so sorry."

Therefore I was back pedaling with this account because we had a few minor glitches, but I really needed something to separate myself from the other competitors.  They were knocking on my customer's door at all times, and in some cases the account was still placing orders with the competition.  I thought to myself, "How can I make this a personal relationship rather than just a business relationship?".  And I remembered that the people in this account loved dogs.  Just loved them!  So what did I do?  I scheduled an appointment for my dog to be bathed and cleaned at a placed near the hospital. 

That way I could tell the main contact, "If I come by on Friday can I bring my dog?  She gets groomed at a place right near the hospital and I need to pick her up around 3.  Is that okay with you?"

When I mentioned the dog he was excited. "Oh that's right you have a dog too.  Sure not a problem.  I'd love to see your pup.  What kind of dog is she?"  I asked this knowing that he had the same type of dog.

"She's a Pointer."

"Well I'll be!  I have a Pointer too!  I'll bet you knew that didn't you?", he said.

" I had a general idea.  But wasn't sure if that was your dog in all those pictures."

"Yep.  Sure is.  I love that dog.  Had him for years.  Ya know those are great hunting dogs."

" Really?  Well I don't take her hunting.  Just up on the hiking trails.  We'll just visit for a little bit.  Won't make a sound or be any trouble at all.  Be there around 3:30.  Is that okay?"

" Heck yeah! Bring her on by, I'm sure everyone in the office would like to see her too."

     Friday came, I dropped the dog off in the morning for grooming and came by to pick her up at 3 pm.  She was soft and clean, and she smelled good.  Perfect since we were visiting a medical clinic. We went to the account which was in a large medical building, but security thought she was a "Special Needs" dog so it was no problem taking her on the elevator.  Two minutes later we were in the lobby, and the staff was playing with the dog, the key contact was petting her, and I had made a big difference in how the account now viewed me.  I wasn't just a sales person anymore, I was more like a friend.  And my company wasn't just another company anymore, they were a company "with a heart". 

    In order to be successful in today's business climate, you have to be able to separate yourself from your competitors.  Sometimes the only way to do it, is to make it more personal.  So if you have a child, a wife, a dog, a cat, anything that makes you seem more humane and therefore more trustworthy to the customer, then bring it up.  Try to get them to meet your child, your pet, or even your spouse if you think it'll make a difference.  But only do it, if you think it will matter and the customer feels comfortable.  You don't want to be bring your dog or child to every account, especially since you run the risk of them peeing on the floor or even worse...biting someone.  Those baby teeth can really hurt.

Make every day memorable.


-M

Careful What You Wish For...

I've been working on a large office of doctors for over 2 years now, and with 2 different companies.  It has been difficult to get any business from this group of doctors and I have been unable to figure out exactly why they don't order from me.  This is a great account to secure for any healthcare rep, but the doctors are very obtuse when it comes to describing their vendor preferences. Here's a typical conversation with the lead doctor, during an in service, at this specific clinic:

"Hey Doctor A!  How are things?  Are you doing well?"

"Oh yeah I'm good.  Really good thanks.  And thanks for bringing us Baja Fresh.  I love this stuff."

He sits down and starts eating part of a chicken burrito.  So I think this will be a perfect opportunity to figure out what the hell is going on with this particular account.

"You used to order a lot of product from us.  What's happened to make you start ordering from other companies?  Have we done something wrong on our end?"

"My foot is sore.  I went skiing this weekend.  Have you ever been skiing?", he said and started rubbing his foot.

"No I haven't.  I usually snowboard.  I feel like you're avoiding the question doc.  Is there a reason you don't order from us?"

"Skiing is hard.  I think I twisted my ankle.  Did you watch the Laker game last night?  Kobe was on fire."

"Yeah I did catch the game.  It was great.  Is there some reason you're not answering the question directly?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact there is.  I just got a bad case of indigestion from this burrito and it hurts to talk.  Can we pick this up at another time?  Excuse me buddy I need to go to the bathroom.", he said and took the burrito with him him as he headed towards the bathroom. 

And here's how another conversation went, with yet another doctor who is Asian, and does a lot of the work for the Medical Director.

"Hi Dr. W.  I haven't seen you in a week.  Listen, you know most of what goes on around here.  Can you tell me why Dr. A has stopped using us for supplies."

"My Engrish isn't so good.  You talk him."

"What?  You're english was fine last month when I in serviced the account."

"Yeah.  I go back to Mandarin.  Better for me."

"Since when did you start speaking only Mandarin.  You went to Crespi and graduated from USC?!  When did you lose your ability to speak English."

"Today! Gotta go.  Rotsa patients.", and then she ran away.

After those two conversations it was obvious that the doctors were not going to help me secure any business.  So I asked some of the Medical Technicians who I should speak to if I wanted to get some orders.

 They all said the same thing, "Tiffany runs this place.  She has for the last ten years.  You want the docs to order from you.  You gotta win her over.  Otherwise you'll get nothing.  She's the office manager and what she says goes.  Even the doctors listen to her."

I took that to heart, and so I started to work on getting orders from Tiffany.  I set up a few in services and she was nice, but still no orders from the office.  I started to experiment with the in services.  I made up games and gave out candy for the correct answers and the staff started to warm up to me, but still only an occassional "hello" or "how are you" from Tiffany.   She was as cold as ice.   So I had to change my strategy. 

I took it on as a personal goal to find out more about her.  What she liked, what she didn't, and what reps were successful with her, and which ones weren't.  The girls in the office liked me and they were very accomodating and forthcoming with personal information.  She was married, and had two kids which she sent to private school.  She had been married for ten years now happily, and she loved her kids very much.  And I realized this was my way to ingratiate myself to Tiffany, through her children.  I liked kids, and I wished I had some of my own, but I did have 9 nieces and nephews so I had a great deal of exposure to children.  I went down this path, and I hope it would lead to developing some type of relationship with Tiffany, the key person to my success in the office.

So we starting sharing baby stories.  She told me how her first baby got really sick with her as a new mother just freaking out, and then I shared a story where my nephew threw up on me. And then she told me about a time when her little girl had a 105 fever and she was taken to the emergency room, while I shared a story about my niece throwing up on me. It went on like this during a break at an in service until finally she got the idea that I liked kids, or maybe I just liked having them throw up on me.  Regardless, her cool demeanor started to melt, and by the next time I came to her office, she was greeting me and not the other way around.  Everything was going great...

But like all relationships there are peaks and valleys, and while we were at our peak, Tiffany decided she wanted to take our relationship to the next level.  I really didn't know what that mean to her, but to me it meant she was finally going to place an order from my company.  I stopped by for a visit and dropped off a thank you card for her, as I always did.  She called me almost immediately.

"Hi!  Thank you so much for the card!  You made my day.  I'm so excited that I even placed an order for you today.  The first one.  What do you think of that?"

"That's great Tiffany.  Now you just made my day!  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate it."

" No problem.  You deserve it.  Took you long enough to get one.  Hahahaha"

I laughed along with her and then told her to have a great weekend and hung up the phone.  I was so happy I was finally going to start getting orders from this account, it had made my whole Friday complete.  I was beaming from ear to ear when I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. It read:

"What are your plans for the weekend?  Are you planning to misbehave?"

"No not really.  Who is this?"

"Oh.  It's Tiffany silly.  This is my cell phone number.  So are you planning to misbehave?"

At this point I thought this was a little odd, since only recently had we just begun to speak, let alone start sending each other dirty text messages. I usually waited for the 6 month mark before I started sending sexually explicit messages to my contacts.  And besides, she was married with kids so I was taken aback by her desire to reach out to me. I blew it off as just someone wanting attention, and responded accordingly.

" I don't always misbehave, but maybe this weekend I will since you finally placed an order. =)"

" Well if that 's what it takes to get you misbehaving count me in! I'll order from your company all the time."

" Hahahaha.  Thanks so much and have a great weekend."

At this point, I thought it best to not let it go any further, so I tried to cut the text conversation short.  I felt it best to not let her lead me down a dangerous path of miscommunication via text.  But she was not about to give up.

"Are you planning on a memorable weekend?"

"I hope it's memorable."

     She then sent a picture of her in a short skirt.  A very good picture of her since she was an attractive woman, and it had a caption which read:

"I can make it a memorable weekend for sure."

Now I was in a panic.  I had been struggling for years to get this office to place orders, and now that they had finally placed one, I was going to have to sacrifice my soul and my body in order to keep the orders coming.   I didn't want to do this, so I tried to play it off as a joke.

"Nice pic.  Hahaha.  You're so funny Tiffany, and I'm sure that dress would make any weekend for your husband memorable."

" I didn't mean my husband.  I was sending YOU the text"

And this made me start to sweat.  Should I respond, should I not?  If I didn't respond, then she would continue to push the issue, and that would not be good. However if I did respond then she might think that I was down with flirting, and  she would like me to begin sending pics of each other.  I couldn't do that either.  I was not Brett Favre. In fact, I didn't have the "goods" to be Brett Favre.   I decided to respond and tell her I had a girlfriend, maybe this would end the text conversation.

"I appreciate you trying to make my weekend memorable. But you do know I have a girlfriend right?"

"So what if you have a girlfriend.  I have a husband.  Who cares.  Just trying to make both our lives a little more memorable!"

" Hahaha!  Thanks for thinking of me and have a great weekend."

   The conversation ended at that point and for the next 5 hours I didn't receive any texts.  It was 11 pm on a Friday when I received this text from Tiffany:

"Do you like to be tied up?"

" Who is this?"

"Tiffany.  I know it's late but answer the question.  Do you like to be tied up?"

" It's late, and I'm not sure this is too cool.  And no I don't like to be tied up. Good night"

" If you want orders from us, your going to have to let me tie you up.  Otherwise no orders."

By this point, I was pissed off.  I wanted to call her and tell her to fuck off, but instead I took the safer, easier approach:

" Okay no orders then. Good night", I wrote and sent to her phone.

" Don't mess with me or I'll make your life hell."

   Now I was beginning to think she was serious.  And what could she possibly do to me at this point.  The only record of our conversation was via these texts and it was clear she was crazy so I just turned off my phone, and went to sleep.   The next morning I woke up and had 5 missed calls from this crazy bitch on my phone.  I checked my voice mail messages and each messaged didn't sound like her but almost like the devil himself.  She was using one of those voice modulation boxes to place an effect upon her voice and make it sound deep and scary.  It was almost surreal listening to each message and she got progressively more and more angry that I wasn't answering the phone.    As I was listening to the last message my phone started vibrating.  It was her. I was pissed so I answered.

"Heh M this is Tiffany."

" Yes Tiffany.  This better not be another dirty message."

" No that's why I called.  Listen, I lost my phone yesterday and my kids had taken it and were sending all of these nasty texts to people I know and leaving messages on people's phones.   Sorry, but did they call you at all last night."

I was so relieved.  "Yes.  Yes they did.  They left all kinds of messages.  Pretty nasty"

" I am so sorry.  Hopefully you weren't offended by any of the messages."

" No I'm okay.  That last message was pretty bad I do have to say. I can't believe it was from your kids.  How old are they anyway?"

" They're 9 and 12 years old.  Why?  How bad was the message?"

" It was pretty nasty.  Something about tying me up and violating me  with a wooden spooin and all this other stuff."

" Oh my god really.  That was what offended you?"

" Well yeah.  It was pretty disgusting."

" I'm sorry.  But that actually WAS   a message I left for you.  And since it's just us talking and no text, you can't prove I ever said this, but I do want to tie you up and violate you with a spoon."

   I had no idea how to respond to that statement.  I felt like I was about to be violated by some oversexed version of Julia Child. I was speechless.  But Tiffany made sure to finish my statement.

" I hope you liked the message. Call me when you need an order." , she said and hung up the phone.

I just stood there, my cell phone still pinned to my ear, thinking "This is so weird.  I can't believe she wanted to use a wooden spoon.  If it was a spatula, then maybe.  No, no, no!  What am I thinking.  No order is worth the humiliation."

Keep in mind that you might want or wish for something in life, and unfortunately it might not be all that you were expecting it to be.  So be careful what you wish for, because those wishes might come true, but not for you. 

-M