Sales From the Darkside

New Employee Orientation and Training

2012-01-15T15:18:00.000-08:00

   I started a new position today and like many reps, I was excited to begin a new path in my career. However, like all new reps, I was also thrown into a group during employee orientation and training which had the same familiar people as my old company. Like all National Sales Meetings, employee training or orientation seem to have a lot of the same characters no matter what company you're working for. They are as follows:

The "Chatty Cathy" or "Peppy Peter"- These people are generally nice so it really is mean to make fun of them, but I'm not a nice person so this is why they made the list. They're just annoying. They always have something to say NO MATTER WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING. In fact, it seems as if they must barge in on every conversation that is within 6 feet of them. They appear to have something in common with everyone, and despite their good nature they can be a nuisance by the end of the week. Here are some strategies and phrases to keep them from popping up in the middle of your conversations:

Cathy: "You have kids. Really? That's great! I have kids too. What a coinkie dink?"
You: " My kids are dead. Are your kids dead too? How's that for a coinkie dink?"

Peter: "You're leasing a Mercedes! That's amazing I'm leasing a Mercedes too. I have an "S" Series."
You: "I'm actually not leasing it. In my case the "S" stands for STOLEN.   But don't tell anyone."

   In addition to being frighteningly upbeat and trying to hone in on your conversations, these people always offer advice to all the other new employees.
"You should do it this way not that way!", or "I've done that before but here's what you should really do if you want to be successful"
They act as if they've been with the company 15 years!  When the fact is they're just as green as anyone else in the room, but they're afraid to admit it. My advise to this person is "Shut The Hell Up!"

Shawn the Serial Killer - This person always fits the description of a serial killer. He is over 40 years old, single, white, male, and he just looks creepy. He socializes with the other employees, but he cocks his head to one side and looks at them like a dog would when it's trying to understand what a person is saying. He talks a lot about online gaming, World of Warcraft, Call of Duty , and his strange hobbies like taxidermy.

Chances are his personal hygiene is not that great, and his breath smells like he just ate something that came from the bowels of a cow or a horse.  And what 's odd is no matter how many times you offer him a breath mint or some gum, he refuses for some odd reason. He is the guy everyone tries to avoid at dinner, lunch, or during social hour, and despite his being a nice person, you always wonder if he's picturing your head inside of his fridge. It's best to be friendly to him just to ensure you make it through orientation alive.

Hot Hannah/Harry - I don't understand why these people even attend the meetings because they always speak like they are so together and far more advanced then the rest of us human beings. They say things, "I don't know why I'm here, because I've already had this training. You guys might need it though."

They are engaged to be married to a doctor, lawyer, or some famous person, and they make sure that everyone knows about it. Hannah is invariably talking about how much her wedding dress will cost, and how great her wedding is going to be in the summer, while Harry brags about his upcoming bachelor party and the hot chicks he used to date before he decided to "settle down". And he always reminds you it "chicks" plural because he's such a stud he couldn't settle for just one woman until now. She makes sure to remind you that her dress is from a famous designer and the caterer is the same one who handled the Royal Wedding.

You know they are going to do well in the field because they are actually good, but secretly you're hoping they fall flat on their face so you can rub it in.

Scott The Systems Guy- There is always a nerdy IT guy helping everyone with their computers, and looking sinister with his odd pull over sweater and hunched over walk. He leers at the girls as he helps set up presentations, and he seems nice enough, but you wonder why he has those odd stains on his pants and that slight bit of drool on the side of his mouth. Obviously he's not required to follow the company dress code, because he's wearing a t-shirt and jeans everyday. However, he's so invaluable that they let him do what he wants without repercussions. Who else is going to set up the webinars and Power Point presentations, while acting suspiciously and sweating profusely? He quickly makes friends with Shawn The Serial Killer.

What Were They Thinking Wally/Wendy- I am consistently amazed at how some people ever get hired. I once took over for a manager years ago, and when I met his receptionist my first thought was "What the hell was this guy thinking when he hired her?" She was grumpy, overweight, and had an full head of curly gray hair. She would give me the finger behind my back and she smelled bad all day long. A nightmare for your "Director of First Impressions".

So when you head to orientation there is always one new hire who fits this description. And sales is no exception for managers making the same mistake. The person shows up wearing an outfit from the 1960's and the fashionable hair style to boot. The manager always justifies the hire by saying, "Well he/she knows a lot of people in the business." Knowing people in the business and actually selling the business are two completely different things. Just because person has been around a long time, doesn't necessarily mean they're doing a good job. Sometimes it simply means they've been able to avoid getting fired by moving from company to company before their manager figures out what a royal fuck up they are.   These people shouldn't even be in the orientation let alone participating. It's bad for everyone else's morale to be in the same room with this person because you're thinking, "Jesus Christ. This person makes the same amount of money as I do, and they have enough dandruff for me to snowboard through the conference room."

Regardless of the circumstances it is just good to have a job during the current recession, and despite some of your current co-workers riding a fine line between normal and psychotic, be thankful you're employed. Have a good day selling!

Post Holiday Blues

2012-01-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

You know that Elvis song "Blue Christmas", I might write a song entitled, "Blue after Christmas", because that's the way everyone is feeling today as we head back to work following the holidays. Yes the holidays can suck, especially if you celebrate them alone. Now if you celebrate them alone but are surrounded by toy action figures who are your "friends", you may want to seek help. Or at least get some real friends. And if you had a family holiday from hell, or you got in a fight on New Years Eve, then you might actually be looking forward to work this week.

Yet for most of us, it's that lousy day where we come in all fat and happy and realize that we need to go to the gym to lose all that from the egg nog, fudge, cookies, candy, turkey, stuffing, matzo balls, lutefisk, or whatever else you ate during the holidays. I can't believe people actually eat lutefisk? It's disgusting. I heard over the holidays,a few restaurants in Minnesota can make it taste like lobster. To me it taste like lobster for sure, lobster that's been sitting out for 5 days in a chemical solution that would kill a cockroach, and then soaked in radioactive water. Doesn't that sound delicious?

In order to overcome the depression of heading back to work I have five quick recommendations for you to recover from your holiday hang over:

Act Like It's Still The Holiday Season - Hey, no one said the holidays have to end after New Years. I say we prolong it right through til Spring. Why should we let "The Man" tell us when to end our celebration? In the Year of The Protester I say we protest an end to the holiday season and extend it til at least Easter. So keep wearing ugly sweaters, send out cards, and keep your tree up until April 1st. Well, keep the tree watered otherwise you might have a potential fire hazard in the living room. Don't take down your lights, hell some of you leave them up all year round anyway. But turn them on, and play lame holiday music loud and annoy your neighbors. It's the spirit of the holidays that never dies, and why should it die on January 2nd.

2. Wear Festive Underwear - If you are afraid that someone will look oddly at you for still wearing reindeer antlers or funny looking sweaters, then don some holiday undergarments. Here's a few samples for both men and women from abcunderwear.com and maidenform.com. Nothing will make you feel more festive than these lovely undergarments, and wearing them will keep you smiling through til spring. Their nothing like a holiday party in your pants!

The pair above is a little too sexy for my personal taste, and I don't think I would look that good in a thong, but to each his/her own. I prefer the Santa Boxers at the top of the post, much classier. When you wear something that makes you feel festive, then they day progresses that much faster. The underwear doesn't pertain to just Christmas alone. There are also Hanukkah briefs. These are brought to you courtesy of Cafe Press and the printing at the bottom reads, "Light My Menorah". Jewish or Gentile, these are awesome; and if you wear these how could you not be in a good mood!

3. Drink Egg Nog Daily - There is no drink that screams "It's The Holiday Season!", like egg nog. A completely gross and fattening concoction of milk, cream, sugar, and eggs. But oh what a tasty delight it is! Now I recommend drinking light egg nog since whole egg nog would make you as big as Santa Clause. And I recommend you run out and buy a bunch of it NOW! Because it will soon be off the shelves of stores since it's primarily a holiday drink. So go buy about 10 gallons so you can make it through the winter.

I also recommend that after drinking all this egg nog you have your cholesterol checked once per week, exercise daily, and have your arteries cleansed before they become clogged. It's fattening yes, but boy it taste sooooo good...

4. Re-gift Those Crappy Holiday Gifts - If you received a "White Elephant" for the holidays, make sure you share that rare holiday treat with someone you know. Nothing makes you feel better than confusing people with a gift they won't want, and it's not even the holidays. Call it an "Un-Birthday Present". And make them feel the love, or hate, or whatever. You must have customers out there that you don't like or whom you are not terribly fond of. Why not give them a little gift during the winter to lighten their spirits, like Divinity candy? No one enjoys that hard, white candy, that is almost impossible to eat in less than an hour. They'll be sucking on that stuff for hours just to get it soft enough to chew. Why don't you re-gift all your friends with holiday pound cake? They can either eat it, or use it as a door stop.

Personally, I have a lot of chocolate which I know is not good for me and I shouldn't eat. But why should I keep it all to myself? I'll pass it on to friends or clients, who I know are resolved to losing weight, just to challenge them to overcome their obsession with sweets. Am I an enabler? Maybe? But at least I don't have to look at all that sponge candy anymore. And he if they start eating the sweets I'd say it's a win-win for us.

5. Wear Snuggies or Sweatpants Everywhere - Unfortunately some of you may be doing this already, which is really sad. But during the holidays, most people wear nothing but sweatpants or snuggies during the entire 2 weeks. So why stop now that the holidays are over? So you haven't showered in ten days, who cares? I'm sure you can easily go another ten days without water desecrating your body. If you're required to be in the office, wear a Snuggie for Casual Fridays. If you have to go visit customers, or prospects, make light of what you're wearing and say, "Sorry I just rolled out of bed", which you literally did. They'll think it's funny!

Wear your sweatpants to the mall, or out to the movies. Why shouldn't the entire year be a holiday for you. I have noticed that some of you already do this consistently, so you might wanna curb it a little during the summer. Those Snuggies can get extremely toasty in May and June. But remember this nothing screams it's the Holiday Season like the stale smell of your own body. It brings out the flavor of the cookies...

I hope you take my advice, or at least some of it, to get over your holiday blues if you have any.

Happy Year Round Holidays!

-M

What's Humane about Human Resources?

2011-10-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been on a job search again, and I've noticed a progression over the years towards the de-humanization of Human Resources at almost every company to which I apply. Now I may upset more than a few people with this article, including my sister, who was once head of a Human Resource department. However in my opinion, "HR" people are not the best representation of a company. In fact, I can state with credibility that they are sometimes the worst choice to represent your company.

For example, when I would recruit at universities and colleges in the Los Angeles area, notably USC, UCLA, Pepperdine, and others, I never liked to bring an HR person. Why? Because half the time they are eliminating candidates based upon some random behavior they noted in an interview. After screening candidates a few years back, I sat down with our HR Director and we reviewed a pool of candidates.
HR Director: "I don't like this guy, he stared at me too long during the interview. I think he would scare away customers."
Me: "Isn't eye contact good?"
HR Director: "Yes, but not this kind. His right eye barely moved. It was frightening. It had this glaze over, almost kinda dead look to it."
Me: "Really? You do realize that he has a fake eye? He mentioned it to us last time we were on campus."
HR Director: "Oh! Hmmmm. I guess he's okay then. Sorry I didn't know that."
Me: " You did the screening! Aren't these your notes on the back of the resume?"
HR Director: " Oh yeah. We see so many people it's hard to remember them all."
Me: " I see. Yeah we interview so many people with fake eyes I can see where you might miss one."

They spend more time disqualifying candidates rather than trying to hire them. It's called "weeding". They want to make sure they weed out all the bad candidates to get to the good ones. The problem is there is so much room for discretionary judgement, and I'm not so certain HR people are as objective as you might think. The following conversation was one I had with an HR person following a recruiting trip to Pepperdine.

HR: "I don't like this girl. She's European, and she's way too pretty for this position."
Me: "I thought we were sticking to just the qualifications and not focusing on the people yet."
HR: "We are, but I don't see her as working out. She'll manipulate people into buying, and she won't sell them."
Me: " Wow. You really think so? How long was your interview with her."
HR: " Like 10 minutes. But I can glean a lot from a person in ten minutes."
Me: " Really? Glean? Are you Edward from the movie "Twilight"?"
HR: " Very funny. I wish I could do that. I love that movie. But I don't love this candidate. She's not the right fit."
Me: " And what's your basis for that judgement? Because the sales rep and the sales manager liked her."
HR: " European background. I'm not sure she understands the American work ethic. They all get 8 weeks vacation over there you know. It's a red flag. Too pretty and too European. We should pass on her."
Me: " Okay, yeah no, I'm going to move her forward in the process."

(It was a good thing I did move her forward because the candidate turned out to be a great management trainee)

Human Resources is really no longer about humans. It is now more about the resource. People have developed this field into a science, almost like geology, however here we are "mining" people. In fact, Human Resources is a business major at many college and universities. I guess technically it is now a science. Well trained Human Resource specialists are searching for a diamond in a pile of coal, or a nugget of gold surrounded by clumps of pyrite. It is a difficult task and not everyone can do a good job of finding that "mother lode". That's why during the Gold Rush not that many people got rich. It's a crap shoot.

Recently, I've been receiving a lot of calls from company recruiters. I find it ironic when HR recruiters from companies identify themselves to me as Talent Acquisition Specialists. What is this a theater company? During an interview with one of these "talent acquisition specialists", I told him I wasn't a good dancer, as a joke, and he responded in a dead pan voice:
"You don't need that skill set for this position." I nearly dropped my phone and the call!
Are you acquiring talent or are you just screening out what you determine as poor talent? It's hard to determine talent when your only interview is over the phone. Would a movie director hire an actor without a screen test? Heck no! I always do well on phone interviews, but can you really get an idea of how well a person will perform a job over a fiber optic network?

I think the problem with Human Resource personnel is they see so many bad candidates that it's difficult for them to determine which one's are good anymore. They spend so much of their days dealing with the negative aspects of business such as the firings, downsizing, disciplinary actions, that they can no longer "relate" to people. In fact, I would argue that they ostracized themselves so they can remain objective.

HR employees cannot and will not empathize with employees because it's too painful for them on a personal level, and it would make their job that much more difficult if they saw a person sitting in front of them as more then a number. This is a major problem in this field and why it needs a paradigm shift, especially in this economy. With so many layoffs, firings, and dips in the economy more than ever we need to put a humane face of the science of Human Resources. Let's put the H back into HR.

-M

Are You In The Right Profession FOR YOU?!

2011-10-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

“Why sales for God’s sake?” This was my father’s first reaction when Itold him that I was going to give up my life as a successful Service Manager,and venture into sales. He saw it as ademotion, a step down, an end to my successful career. I saw it as something different. My perception was that it was “easymoney”. I found out pretty quickly thatit is definitely not easy. It can be“easy money” but it takes a long time, and a lot of experience, before you getto the point where this job is somewhat easy. Seriously, it is a lot of hard work. It doesn’t get easy until you’re established and that can take YEARS!

And I knowwhat you newbies are thinking, “He’s not me. I’m better than him. I’m gonna bethe best and fast. Hell I’m already the best!” It’s funny how right out of the gate new reps think they’ve got itdown. Well ask yourself this onequestion new girl/guy: “Can I handle pressure?” Because that’s what sales is about:pressure. Applying pressure, receivingpressure, the pressure of a number hanging over your head AT ALL TIMES. The pressure to succeed in persuading people to your point of view,hourly, daily, monthly, yearly, knowing you’re only as good as your lastsale. It’s not easy and not everyone cansell. It’s a unique profession, and onethat is learned and earned.

So beforeyou read any more posts, make sure YOU WANT TO BE IN SALES. Don’t give me that ridiculous adage, “I’mgood with people”. I hear that all the time in interviews. “My friends told me I’m good with people so Ishould try sales.” Every time I hear that from a candidate I wantto lean over the desk and slap them upside the head. But I can’t do this for obvious legalreasons. This is an answer from someonewho really doesn’t know what they want to do with their career. Aperson, who is deferring a life changing choice to someone else. Do you know who else is good with people: DOGS. Dogsare great with people, in fact, dogs are better than you are with people. But I won’t be buying my next car, cellphone, couch, computer, furniture, software, or any other consumable productfrom a dog. Hopefully, I’ll be buying itfrom one of you.

If you're floundering in the sales profession and you're not happy, there's nothing wrong with doing something else. In fact, I would recommend it. Not everyone can sell, and that for me, is a good thing.

-M

Too cool for school: AKA "THE TOPPER"

2011-10-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

We've all worked with one jackass or another that always has to top the story that you're telling with one of their own. As if anything you do, they can do better. Like Betty Hutton in "Annie Get Your Gun".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO23WBji_Z0&feature=related

    I love that video, but these people don't necessarily have to be colleagues either, they can be friends, classmates, or even relatives. The worst ones are always going on about what they did, or who they saw. It's just so annoying. And with these types of people who are so into themselves, you should NEVER,NEVER,NEVER, confirm their friend request on facebook. You are just asking for stupid updates every 5 minutes from them about what they're doing, where, they're going, etc. Do I give a shit if you're at Starbucks or Coffee Bean? NO!

    So I ran into an old colleague of mine from years back, he was actually interviewing for a position with the same company as I was interviewing. He was just sitting in the lobby when I walked in and registered for my own interview. He had always been a "Topper" and despite the 5 years in which we hadn't seen each other, he was still exactly the same. Full of shit. As we sat in the lobby waiting for our respective H.R. interviewers he asked me what I was up to:

"I'm obviously working in medical sales the same as you."

" Oh right. Yeah I'm killing it right now. I'm making so much money it's crazy. I'm only here because they're supposed to make me a great offer."

"Oh really? That's great."

" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get this job.", he said and the receptionist who was obviously listening looked over at us.

" Good for you. How is Kim doing?", I asked referring to his fiancee, who assumed he had married, but this was years ago and I couldn't be sure.

" She's good. I guess. We got divorced, but now I'm dating this super hot model chick. Here's her picture.", he pulled out his wallet and showed me what looked to be a picture of Joanna Krupa but cut out from a magazine or ad. I think I could even see the top of the caption, but I didn't say anything.

" That's who you're dating? That looks like Joanna Krupa. The famous lingerie model?" I said with an air of incredulity.

" Oh yeah she get's that a lot. She's super hot huh? Much hotter than Kim."
" I thought Kim seemed like a nice girl."

" She was nice. But not the girl for me. I'm going places so I need someone on my arm that makes me look good."

" Yeah sure I guess."

" Dude you're still the same. Probably still married.", he said and then laughed. As if being married was a joke or something. "You still driving a Honda?"

I kept trying to to think why was I even talking to this idiot? This person who was obviously full of himself and full of crap. Why waste my time? But then I decided to mess with him.
"Nope. I'm driving an Audi now. It's my company car? What about you?"

" Really? An Audi? My company car is a Porsche. It's that grey one outside.", he seemed a bit irritated I had upgraded my means of transportation.

" I didn't see a Porsche outside when I pulled up?"

" Oh it's out there. So are you still married? How's that going?"

" Nope. It was rough, but I got through it. I'm dating someone right now. Great girl but she travels a lot."

" My girl doesn't travel at all. She's there for me whenever I need her. Great girl. Great girl. Ya got a picture of your lady?"

" No I don't sorry. But you've probably seen her before, she's always on TV."

" What? Get outta here. Seriously? She an actress or something? Wait don't tell me. It's Betty White?", he said and laughed at his own joke.

" Awww, I don't want to talk it.", I said but I was stalling for time, since unlike him I didn't have a pre planned web of lies at my disposal. So as I was trying to gather my thoughts, I saw a few magazines on the table and picked out the first girl I saw. It was kind of a stretch, but I decided if he pushed me; I'd give him her name. And naturally, he pushed.

" Oh what?! You can't throw that out there and not tell me. Who is she?"

" That's not important dude. She's pretty famous, but a lot of people don't really like her."

" Your not gonna tell me? Why not? Don't hold out now."

" I'm a little embarrassed."

" Why is she ugly or something. It's not that fat chick from Bridesmaids is it?"

" No it's not the funny girl from Bridesmaids. And no she's not ugly. She's beautiful. It's just she's not exactly my type, but I just met her at a party with a few friends and we hit it off."
As I said this, I could see it was driving him nuts, and he was planning his next move to trump my new girlfriend.

" Your type? Your type? Dude, you were married! C'mon tell me. I won't tell anyone."
" Alright her names Kim. She recently got divorced and she was married to an NBA player."

His faced curled up for a moment, as if he was thinking very hard, and then I saw that he had an epiphany.

" Kim Kardashian? Get the fuck outta here.", and as he said this the receptionist looked up. "Sorry.", he said just to not make him self look bad.

" Yep. She's actually not as dumb as you think. I was at a party in Glendale and I guess she grew up with these people and we started talking and she thinks I'm funny so..."

" No friggin way dude. Kim Kardashian! You are messing with me."

" No I'm not dude. I swear. It's nothing serious though.   We just starting seeing each other. 3 or 4 dates is all."

" Wow! Well we know how she is in bed.", he said and started to laugh. I didn't get it, but then I remembered Kim Kardashian had a sex tape.

" Oh right.", I said and chuckled.

    Just then both of our interviewers came into the lobby and introduce themselves. I guess we were interviewing for 2 different divisions of the same company. We rose from our chairs, and I turned and shook his hand.

" Good luck." , I said and smiled.

" You too. Kim Kardashian huh?", obviously he was perplexed and couldn't figure out how to top my new love interest.

" Yep." I said and smiled again. "Lucky me."

" Well c'mon M, she's not THAT hot.", he said, and I couldn't believe it. He was gonna insult my new lady friend, and try to "top" me in the process. So as we each started to follow our interviewers down the hall, and came to a fork in the hallway, I sent him a parting shot.

" Oh yes she is, and I can show you a REAL picture of her.", I said and then laughed.

He tried to say something but I just turned and walked down the hallway, knowing that I'd just topped... "The Topper".

Have a great day selling!

-M

Keep It In Perspective: Reality Check Please?

2011-10-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

So many blogs, books, articles today focus on maintaining a positive attitude and this will help you to be successful. Napoleon Hill's, "Think and Grow Rich" is a perfect example of utilizing positive reinforcement to help you achieve your goals. What the book offers is insight into your beliefs to help you achieve your goals. But too many people are searching for this get rich quick scheme, especially in today's economy. I bet half the people who read it don't even finish the book, which is sad because it's a fascinating look at the world, although somewhat dated (1937).

I think one of the keys to Mr. Hill's success is that he wrote this book when there was nothing else out there to compete with it in the marketplace. He was a pioneer of the "Science of Success" and as a result he became rich. I think the book should be retitled "Write and Grow Rich."

In sales, as in life, there are often two schools of thought:

THE HAVES – This school is characterized by overly obsessive positive thinking. In other words not only is your glass half full, it seems, to you, that it’s almost full because you're ridiculously positive. You ALWAYS think the customer will buy from you, no matter what the circumstances. You don’t even drink coffee because you don’t need it. You are that pumped up to start your day. You'll visit the same customer 500 times because you're so certain that everyone will buy that you simply cannot give up. You have Successories posters all over your house, office, garage, and in your car. You listen to tapes in your car, not cd's: TAPES. Every morning you wake up, look in the mirror, and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it. People like me!"

Richard Simmons, Tony Robbins, and Stuart Smalley are your heroes.

Your school’s mascot – Tigger

THE HAVE NOTS – The opposite of "The Haves", where everything is someone else’s fault and through no fault of your own you suck at sales, life, and everything else. You have to overcome so much just to get the prospect to the table that it’s a miracle you get out of bed in the morning. You would be number one in your region if the stupid customers would just buy from you. Every customer to you is a potential asshole, and when they don't buy something from you, they are an even bigger asshole. You want desperately to be successful but can't stop listening to Goth music, and the Smiths long enough to go out on sales calls.

Marilyn Manson, Donnie Darko, Chicken Little, and Debbie Downer are your heroes.

The school’s mascot – Eeyore.

Several different authors have perceptions about why people are successful and why they are not. You are not interested in those people. You should be interested in what will make you successful and only you. Because each snowflake is different, so is each level of personal success. Why the hell would you care if a rep in Poughkeepsie is number one. Care about yourself and your numbers and keep it in perspective.

Don't be so positive thinking that you waste your time with customers who will never buy because that, in itself, is pathetic. You're not perfect and not everyone will buy no matter what all the books tell you. I read one book which recommended that you should never read the newspaper or watch television. Why? Because it's depressing...great advice ,let's just block out all reality. Books tell you to never let a negative thought creep into your reality because then you're entire psyche will tumble like a house of cards. C'mon are you that weak? NO! Realize that not everyone loves you and there are times when you "fish" or "cut bait"

In contrast, don't be so morose that you would depress the customers. Have you ever been around one of those people that just looks at every thing that is negative in the world, because they're unhappy with their life? I had an associate who used to be an Intensive Care Unit nurse and so she had a slightly warped perspective on life. She had been around death for the last 10 years so she didn't know how to turn that switch off. On one of my very first sales calls with her, she started talking about her friend's battle with breast cancer. I felt bad for her friend but this was not the time to be discussing the issue, and she brought it up while we were discussing something like bariatric beds. The contact emailed me the very next day not to bring her around anymore because she was TOO DEPRESSING.

As a rep your job is to get people excited about your products and services, not ruin their day. So stay positive in the call, because you want people excited to see you, not running away from you. It's all about your perspective. Stay positive, but stay realistic, and you'll do fine.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Beware of the Bullshit

2011-08-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

I have been pursuing an account for almost 8 months now, and I am getting great feedback and almost no orders. I have great rapport with everyone in the place! Hell I even know the janitor's first name for god's sake. But still no orders.

So today, I decided I was going to find out from the doctors, the nurses, the night watchman, why the hell there were no orders coming from this account. I held an in service (for the 6th time), demonstrated our products...AGAIN. And finally ask if they had any questions. As usual they said no. So I responded as follows:

"No one has any questions at all? Well I have a question for all of you."

Every one's eyes just kind turned up from the food they were eating. I had their attention...finally.

"Do guy's believe anything I'm saying about these products or do you think. Pardon my French. That it's all just bullshit. That they don't actually work?", and I said this without a smile. Just to see their reactions.

Everyone was shocked. But they had no problems speaking up.

"Wow. Uh that's awkward. Way to spoil our lunch M.", said one of the nurses.

I was not deterred. "Well, listen I like to come here and chat, but if you guys don't believe in the product, I can't force you to use it. I could be the best salesman in the world but if you don't like it then why buy it."

" We don't buy it because we don't like it. And frankly I don't like this line of questioning.", said the doctor.

"Finally!", I said, "Some feedback." and then I smiled. "Thank you doc. What don't you like about it."

"It's not as pliable or malleable as you say it is. It doesn't conform the way we want it to.", he answered.

"Okay that's all I wanted to hear. I just couldn't understand why no one told me that before.", was my response.

"Because we like you, and like having you come around. You're funny.", answered another nurse.

"Thanks. But if I'm not helping you then I'm not doing my job. In reference to the product you mentioned doc. We have a line of that product that is thicker and more absorbent and you might try that one. Just give it a shot on a patient and see what happens."

"Alright, I will. But don't get mad at me if I don't like it."

"Doc, I can't get mad about that. It's a matter of personal choice. I just am happy I found out why you weren't ordering. It makes me feel so much better to know the reason, then just be in limbo. Thanks for letting me know."

"No problem. Can we eat now.", he said and then started to laugh.

"One more question." I said and they all looked at me with disapproving eyes.

"Can you validate my parking?", and the whole room burst out into laughter.

I would rather a person be honest with me and tell me why they don't want to buy, then drag it out. As a salesperson until we hear the word "NO", we always hold out hope we'll make the sale. But if the prospect never says no, we just keep coming back for more. As long as we haven't been rejected, we feel like we've got a shot. It's like that scene from the movie "Dumb and Dumber"
When Lloyd is told he has a one in a million shot to date his dream girl Mary.

His response, "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KX5jNnDMfxA

Don't be a Lloyd and hang on when your chances are one in a million. MOVE ON!

My First Time

2011-08-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

I never wanted to be a sales person. In fact, my dad explained to me that sales people were simply “evil”. They would lie, cheat, poison, drug, or do anything they could to their clients to make a sale. Since my dad dealt mainly with car sales people, and insurance sales reps, I think his perception of sales people was somewhat jaded. Even though the reps might have been completely honest with him, his philosophy was , “Never trust a salesman. They’re the lowest form of person on the planet.” So for me to even be writing about the sales profession, is indeed remarkable.

When I was younger,(much younger),and sales people would visit our house, I would leave because I was afraid their dishonesty and sinfulness would somehow infect me. They always drove nice cars, and lived in nice houses, but I had always perceived they acquired these things by selling their souls, or the souls of their children, to the devil

Or maybe they were stealing and selling organs, or worse yet babies, on the black market. I never actually thought they were people. My parents had turned my perception of sales people upside down, and I never really envisioned them as leading normal lives. Playing with their kids, taking them to school, saving for their college tuition…normal stuff. I assumed they were more like vampires, werewolves, or worse!-CEO’s!. Sucking the life blood out of everyone they came in contact with. If you looked into their eyes they would suck the life right out of you.
So when I decided to take the plunge and become a full time sales person it was after years of working in a sales and service capacity. I was basically selling myself, and the service I provided. I WAS the company to my customers, and I found that if I was nice, cordial, and sociable, people liked me and bought a great deal of my company’s product. Even though I was simply providing a service they spoke with me at length, and by developing a relationship they purchased products from me, LOTS OF PRODUCTS. Even though it seemed like “easy money”, I never could bring myself to just sell. I didn’t have the confidence in my sales ability to simply walk into a business, and solicit my products and services. It made me uncomfortable, and I felt “pushy”. Just the kind of sales person my father would hate to meet. I was reluctant to say the least, to go out and see customers without so much as a phone call. So a “cold call” was one of my biggest fears.

The first time I went out in the field with a rep, was a lot of fun, but also a pain in the ass. I already had plenty of experience in servicing people but very little experience selling. The rep who was “training” me, drove around and around and around, looking for the ideal neighborhood to stop and cold call customers. We must’ve drove in 5 different areas, and for roughly 2 hours before I finally said, “If you don’t stop the car, I think I’ll kill myself.”

“I’’m looking for the right place to cold call.”, he responded and simply continued driving.

“To me it looks like your just wasting time. We could’ve call on 20 people by now. Do we really need to keep driving around trying to find the perfect place. Is there a perfect place to cold call?”, I just wanted out of the car.

“ Okay if it’s so easy smart guy, let’s go here. This’ll be your very first cold call. “,and then he paused for a moment, looked at me and said “EVER! No pressure though.”

Then he chuckled and pulled the car over in an industrial area where there were warehouses everwhere. Every different business was represented, so I felt happy since we were pushing bathroom products at the time.

“Okay big man. Here’s the brochure, you got your cards, and I’ll be right behind you. Now keep in mind not everyone is going to be nice. So don’t push too hard for the appointment, just try to get info and then we can call them to set an appointment if we need to.”

“Whatever. I know what I’m doing. I think I got it.”, I was way too cocky.

“Okay Mr. Know It All. I’ll be right with you to help out if something goes wrong.”, He was being way too nice.

“ I got this, I’ll be fine. Piece of cake.” I responded with false confidence. This was my first, but not my only mistake.

I saw a group of businesses all in an industrial complex, and figured if I was going to start selling this would be a good place. The complex was clean, one of those newer ones, with lots of buildings and suites set up to cater to businesses. It was extremely industrial but looked vibrant. As if all the businesses were bursting with activity. I walked into the first place I saw, not paying any attention to the sign overhead or the “No Solicitors” on the door, and recognized an older, gruff looking gentlemen behind the counter.

“Hi I’m M, from Fill In the Blank Company . Are you the owner?”, I said and extended my hand for him shake.

He looked down at my hand as if it were disfigured or covered with some infectious disease and responded in a loud and irritated tone of voice, “Whatever the f3$@k you’re selling I ain’t buying sorry.”

I knew exactly how to respond to his tone. I had experienced almost 7 minutes of extensive training on how to handle this objection. “I’m not selling anything, I just want to leave this brochure and call you later to make an appointment.” And I thrust my brochure towards him.

“Heh are you deaf? I’m not buying anything. So don’t try to give me your stupid brochure, I’m just gonna throw it in the trash.”, he said and looked again at my hand as if trying to discern if it were real or not.

Again, I knew how to handle this one, and I had experienced almost 8 ½ minutes of training on how to handle this second objection.

“Sir I’m not trying to sell you anything. Just want to show you what we have to offer, at another time. Are you available later this week? Do mornings or afternoons work better for you?”

“ Listen a-hole, do I have to call the cops. You people keep coming in here every couple months, trying to talk to me about how you’re going to help my business, and improve my productivity, and I can still be in charge of this and that. It’s all BS. Now take your stupid flyer and get outta here!”, and as he said this he took the flyer from my hand and threw it on the ground. At this point I felt completely insulted.

“No need to be rude. I’ll just take my brochure and leave. You should learn manners”, I said forcefully, but politely.

“I’m rude?! I’m rude?! Hey stupid, can’t you read the sign out front and the one behind me? I’m your competitor! I can’t believe you Fill In the Blank bigwigs have the balls to come in here and try to buy my business. Now get the f#$@k outta here!”, his eyes were red with anger and dismay at my audacity. He pointed at the sign behind the counter. It read, “Cal Kleen Restroom Products and Services since 1959”.

My jaw dropped. I tried to mutter something in response but all that came out was, “Since 1959 huh?”

In embarrassment I turned and rushed out the door. My fellow rep was already ahead of me, rushing back to the car.
As we each opened our car door he looked at me and said, “I thought that went well. Didn’t you?”, and then he nearly died laughing!

That was my first cold call. Quite impressive I must say. I mean how could it get any worse? But I learned a number of valuable lessons that day. The most important being never to take myself too seriously. How could I after that fiasco. But I learned and tried over and over again to practice my techniques and develop my skills as a sales rep. And believe it or not, I got better.
Since, that time I have been living and working in a number of different industries, and I’ve heard hundreds of funny stories related to Sales and more specifically to sales people. I’ve met some wonderful people throughout my career(s), and I’ve met some real a-holes. Mostly the people in charge were the a-holes but on occasion, I would have a great boss, with a great attitude. Good boss, bad boss, it didn’t matter they all had some Sales story they wanted to share with me.

However one thing that I’ve noted in all the time I’ve been involved in Sales and the Sales process, this is a FUNNY business! In fact, it’s so funny, I thought it would make a great blog. Now there are a few people who I’ve come in contact with, who will read this blog and say, “Heh that sounds like my story!”. That’s what’s great about sales, is that we can all relate to each one of these sales tales, and derive something good from them. And I don’t doubt that any one of these could be YOUR story, but I’m writing mostly from my experience and the experience of a few other friends. Either way, I hope you enjoy these stories and they bring you as much joy reading them, as they did for me writing them.

Absurdly yours,

-M

Professional Jealousy

2011-07-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

We all go through this , although none of us will admit to it. You have a friend, in sales, in service, in management, in whatever... You both have the same type of job, but suddenly they're having a great year and you're doing okay, but you're not #1. This sucks! Especially if you're used to being ahead of that person year after year. And more specifically if you're a competitive person, this is especially painful. Here' a tip though...let it go.

You can't always win, I'm sorry. And if you think you can, then you're dead wrong, it's an impossibility. Teams, people, they invariably lose at some point. So just accept the fact that you may not be the best every single day, but you're in it for the long haul. And be careful what you wish for because it may not always be the best thing for you.

Years and years and years ago, I was doing very well with a company running a team of 12 people and we were kicking ass! I was young, on the fast track, and my friend was on his way out. He was cantankerous, had no college degree, and really no future, because he fought with management all the time. Now keep in mind, he was a smart guy, and right most of the time, but he couldn't get over the "college degree" hurdle. I told him, "Go at night and get one. Any idiot can earn a degree. Look at me! I have two!"(This is true by the way)

So he did get his college degree. Pretty soon he was in a management role and quickly he rose in the company to a General Manager. Sooner than me! I was pissed...I complained about it to my wife, "Why did I tell him to get that degree? That bastard got the job I wanted! I hate him. " Just basically whining all the way to number 1 in the region but still mad I wasn't promoted before him. I had the numbers to support it, but people don't always look at the numbers. So there I was, jealous, angry, and bitter at my friend for getting promoted before me. Why? Because I thought he had what I wanted...and then we had a little chat at lunch.

"Damn Bill, I can't believe you're a GM now. You're making all the cash. It must be great!" (You little bastard you stole my job even though your numbers are worse. This is bullshit)

" You'd think so huh. But I bet I make only $10 hour based on how much I work, and I'm always at the office. My wife hates me, my kids hate me. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I never see my family."

"Really? Why don't you delegate all that work. Take it easy! You're the boss remember?" (He's saying this to make me feel better. Patronizing me...bastard)

"It's a lot of responsibility. I can't sleep some nights wondering if I'll get fired. There's too much to control...it's hard. And you can't delegate everything because some people just don't perform the way you want to all the time."

"That doesn't sound so great now that I think about it. And to think, I wanted that job." (Maybe he's being sincere, this doesn't sound so great. He's still a bastard though)

"Yeah well you can have it...and the stomach pains I've been getting because of it. It's not that great being a manager dude. Stay where you're at. It's better."

"Thanks for the advice. Maybe I will." (He's bullshitting me)

Of course I didn't listen to him, and soon I was promoted and we were suffering together in the same GM role, working our butts off, for little or no thanks. We were both doing well, and I wasn't jealous at all. I knew he was going through the same crap I was, and he had a family to worry about. I let it go, and I didn't have any ulcers, no sleepless nights, none of that. Cause I only focused on what I could control. The jealousy was gone and soon so was Bill. They "eliminated" his position. He was number 1 in the country in growth and they downsized him out. Thank you! Big mistake...he went on to be the VP at their competition, and kicked their butts!

If you have a friend, a partner, or anyone who's doing well give them a pat on the back. Keep in mind those accolades don't always last that long, and don't get jealous, don't get angry, just go make money and be happy with what you have. Focus only on what you can control and the rest will take care of itself.

-M
-M

Weekly Quotes from Nick Handy

2011-07-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

ATTITUDE: The greatest discovery of any sales manager, is that if a sales person is producing they have a good attitude and if they're not, they have a bad attitude and need to be fired.

2011-07-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you are on this site, but it's a great resource for jobs, people you worked with and lost touch with, and to see what's going on in the market place. I've been on here for a few years now and I don't visit this site as often as I do my Facebook page, but then again who does? If you're looking to network online in the business world,or find a job, this is a wonderful site with a few exceptions:

1.)Requests from people you never liked: I still get request to get connected to people who are complete assholes. The type of people that if they could do anything to gain an advantage, even if it's unethical, they will do it. The kind of person whom everyone knows is an asshole but still gets ahead. When I get these requests I cringe and then ignore them. Those people are now someone else's problem not mine.

2.) Connect with a boss you hated: Isn't it funny how horrible bosses have no clue how bad they are and try to reconnect with you later on. I remember after I transferred to a new company, mainly because my general manager was a complete idiot,that same manager tried to connect with me on linkedin to come back and work for him. When I said to him, "I think I fucking quit" wasn't that a clue that I didn't want to work with him anymore? How stupid can a person be? And what's ironic is that same boss sent his resume, after he was fired, to my new company and cited me as a reference. And his resume was filled with spelling errors! Yeah I wanna hitch my wagon to that train.

3.) Get messages from people in countries/cities you've never heard of: I understand the market place has gone international but that's really in relation to the computer industry and the tech market place, not necessarily medical devices. I will get random messages to connect with people in Latvia and Sri Lanka to Kuala Lumpur. People who will assist with my Internet marketing. I have no idea if they can help and I don't want to establish an online connection if I can't actually meet the person. I'm "old school" like that...I wanna see who I'm working with.

4. Receive random solicitations from old colleagues looking for jobs: I always feel bad when I get these messages because there's often not a lot I can do for the person. I don't work as a manager anymore, and chances are if I did, I would have contacted them already. Especially nowadays, with everyone having a difficult time, I feel for the people who are out of work, and even worse because I can't help them. These connections just depress me.

5.) Random messages from people in companies that have obviously taken your online data from some place and are direct marketing you: I'm not sure you're aware but all of your online cookies transaction, or just about anything you do online is available to THOUSANDS OF COMPANIES! This is no joke. If you think you're information is secure, you're kidding yourself. I received a Viagra message from some rep working at a medical supply company. I don't need Viagra, but given my age and demographic I guess they thought I did. Hahaha. Thanks for the encouragement.
I am serious though about the information exchanges...your information is shared every time you visit a site. It's kind of frightening.

So even if you have a job or don't have a job, check out Linkedin and reconnect with old colleagues, get annoyed with people you don't want to connect with, look for jobs you want, and enjoy the endless trail of messages from people trying to get you to buy Viagra. Have a good day selling.

-M

Weekly Quotes by Nick Handy

2011-06-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Again in keeping with all the crap we have to deal with on a daily basis, here is this weeks quote of the week from our freelance supporter Nick Handy.

SERVICE: Service is very important to every sales person in an organization. And more importantly, it's the people you bitch about when you're customers complain they didn't get their product. Suck up to Service cause if you don't; your screwed.

Weekly Quotes by Nick Handy

2011-06-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

Every sales blog,sales magazine, and sales book usually contains famous quotes by some notable speaker on the subject. However this one doesn't. Because let's face it, we don't really utilize that crap out in the field. It's strictly for meetings and for motivation. It's something we tack on the end of our Power Point presentations to impress the boss or the customer. So we've decided to start our own Weekly Quotes. They might not seem as inspirational as some of the other quotes, but you might like them.

"Teamwork: Teamwork is when a group of people stops being a bunch of selfish bastards just long enough to get something done. That can be anything from completing a lunar landing to eating a pizza."

Smile for God's Sake

2011-06-07T08:44:00.001-07:00

I don't know if any of you have heard of the theory of "Physical Reciprocity", but it is based on the concept that whatever type of facial expression or mood you convey to a person they have a tendency to reciprocate the same expression(s) or mood.

We experience this everyday. Waiting in line at the grocery store, or even getting a coffee. You see someone who is in a good mood smiling, laughing, and you think:

"I really like him/her! They seem really nice."

Of course this could be feigned behavior and the person might be a total asshole, but your perception of them is reality. And if you perceive them to be good then to you they are good. In addition if someone is not smiling, is just like a robot, and shows no emotion or expression, this can turn people off. You think:

"What a jerk! He didn't even look up when I was talking to him." Even though that person might be wonderful and just having a bad day. Again perception is reality.

In fact this happened to me just last week. I went with a coworker to get a coffee at Starbucks and the girl who waited on us was a very pretty young girl but she didn't smile once. She didn't act like a jerk, or wasn't rude, she just never smiled.

She simply said, "What can I get you?"

And then took our orders and didn't make the slightest effort to smile back when I smiled at her. She probably thought I was some disgusting older man. Who knows? But as soon as we got our coffee the person I was with said,

"Some one either hates their job or is a total bitch."

"Or they need their morning coffee.", I answered which got a chuckle.

" That person is depressing me, and she's bringing down the place.", was my partner's response. "I'd like to throw some hot coffee in her face. Maybe that would get a reaction."

It almost made you want to leave the coffee shop because the counter person was terribly blase with every customer. The two of us kept watching to see if her demeanor would change, and it didn't. We decided to stay a while to watch her interact with the other customers and check out their reactions.

As the customers approached she would say the same thing over and over:

"How can I help you?"

But the way she said it made it sound almost painful to her, as if she really meant:
"I'm way too cool for this job but I need it and I have take your stupid order, so what'll it be loser?"

Most of the people who ordered either had a negative reaction or they just ignored her sour puss. But the point was that this one person, the LEAD person in the shop, was bringing down the mood in the place. Killing the "Starbucks Vibe", which is why most people go to Starbucks and not to Coffee Bean. I had to leave and get my partner out of there before she strangled this person.

Armed with this information, I decided to try a few cold calls where I didn't smile when I greeted the person at the front desk,or the nurse at her station. It was just an experiment to monitor people's reaction to a different approach. Boy was that a bad idea! I didn't get excited, I didn't smile, but I wasn't rude. I was just there, as if I had to be there and didn't want to be there. However the reactions I got were not good from the gatekeepers:

"We don't want anything you're selling", or "Give me your information and I'll have them call you." Which means "As soon as you leave I'm throwing this crap in the garbage".

At times I recovered by smiling quickly thereafter, but it was a real struggle to get them back to looking favorably upon my visit.

I know it's silly and a very simple thing to do, but even if you're having a bad week, when you're in the field, always SMILE. It starts every call out in the right way -POSITIVE. Who knows, you'll probably get a smile in return, and maybe even a sale. Instead of an angry customer wanting to throw coffee in your face.

-Good Luck and Good Selling

M

The "Milker"

2011-05-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

There are clients/customers/potential customers who just "milk" sales reps for freebies and attention. They want a number of things but to buy from you they don't want to do. Yet they won't ever tell you! Certain training seminars identify these people as the "Amiable Type". Really? By amiable they don't want to upset you by saying "no". They'd rather string you along and keep you thinking they're gonna buy something from you because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

That's Amiable? More like asinine. I hate this type of customer.

They contact you for a number of reasons:

1.)They're hungry - "You know I've been considering your proposal and I figure let's have lunch and discuss it some more."

2.)Their staff is hungry - "I think my staff needs a demonstration of your products. When can you come by and do an in service with lunch? They loved the salad you brought last time."

3.)They're lonely - "I was wondering if you could come by today, do you have anything planned because my schedule is free."

4.)Their staff is lonely - "One of my staff just broke up with their girlfriend/boyfriend, why don't you come by I'd like you to meet him/her."

5.)They're confused or just stupid - "I understand that your product's better and it's cheaper, but I just don't know if I wanna make that change. It's a big commitment."

6.)They just want to ogle you (that pertains more to female reps than male ones)- "Is that a new outfit? It looks great on you. Did you get your hair cut?"

7.)They want to use you to get their current supplier to lower price, provide better service, etc. - "Is that really the best you can do on the price. Because _________ company is offering their product for a much cheaper price. What can you do for me?"

I can't even count how many presentations I've done for people who literally have no intention of buying anything from me and don't want to tell me. To me it's unethical for them to do this, but they're taught it makes them good business people to "work over" reps. This is a common business practice especially amongst Purchasing Agents, Supply Chain Managers, and Small Business Owners. The person who came up with this concept of "using" representatives should be forced to experienced the same frustration which reps suffer. This practice is disrespectful and just plain wrong. I once had a purchasing manager tell me that my price was still too high when I could read the proposal from my competitor that the idiot had left sitting on his desk. I could see we were beating their price by 15%. He said, "Are we gonna continue to play this little game? Just come down on the price and the business is yours."

My response, "No we're not going to continue to play this game. That's my price, it's a fair price and thank you for your time. We'll be in touch. I appreciated your time today." He called a week later and said the other company's offer was too good. I'm sure he worked them over by showing our proposal.

If you have a "milker" just walk away and find another customer or prospect. It's not worth your effort, your time, and more importantly the frustration. Because you're worth it and they're not.

-M

Why People Don't Like the Gym

2011-04-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

For years I've been going to the gym, to relieve stress, and stay in shape. My family has a history of high blood pressure and to avoid the same physical issues, I try to work out at least every other day. However, I really don't like the whole gym experience. And after speaking to a bunch of friends and fellow sales reps, I now understand why P90X and other home workout DVDs are so popular. People don't really enjoy going to the gym. And here's a few reasons why:

1. The Smells - No matter what you do, the smell in a crowded gym can be utterly disgusting. Personally, I like the smell of stale sweat because it reminds me I am going to put in a good work out. However quite often it doesn't smell like stale sweat, it smells like stale vegetables, or in some gyms, I picture wheels of cheese sweating on treadmills. In addition, some of the worst aromas are those of the other patrons. Guys and girls wearing cologne or perfume to the gym? Really? This isn't a night club and it isn't the 1980's. I don't see Jamie Lee Curtis around trying to be "Perfect". Lose the cologne "Romeo".

And there's nothing like getting on a machine after a guy who hasn't bathed in a year uses it. It literally smells like an unchanged kitty litter box. (Why would I know what this smells like?) I literally have to disinfect the every part of it before I start my workout. Or sometimes I just don't use that machine at all.

One time, I started to get on a machine and it smelled like the person must've had an "accident", or farted after getting off the machine. "Thanks for the gift, fellow gym member" =)

2. The Muscle Heads - You see these guys at every gym, especially like a Golds Gym or private gym. And now they're even more popular because of shows like "The Jersey Shore". They're the meatheads who work out daily, drink protein shakes, and generally make a lot of noise while they're working out. They check themselves out in the mirror a lot, and always, always, always, drop the weight so every one can see how much they're lifting. They have loads of "bacne", their hair is blown out or their head is shaved, they have lots of bad tatoos (DC Logo on their arm), and sometimes they even have a little groupie girl with them who's just as "swoll", but she has more facial hair then any member of their clan.

One time at my gym I went to use a weight machine after one of these guys and he was grunting loudly because he was pushing a lot of weight. I didn't change the weight and did my reps quickly. After I got off he said, "Wow you press that much? We should work out sometime?"

I responded and loudly, "Sorry dude, I can't hear anything with these headphones on. Have a good workout."

I never want to be a contributing member of that club.

3. The Pick Up Guy - There are usually a few of these at every gym. And these dudes are the reason a lot of women hate going to the gym. For some reason no one ever gave these guys the memo that it's a gym not a bar. And since the women are sober there is no chance they even want to talk to you, let alone drop their digits in a your hand. But these men are persistent. I have two of these guys in my gym and one day I forgot my headphones so I was overheard one of these dudes making his "play" for a pretty girl while I was on the elliptical. The two of them were stretching in front of me in this open area near the machines.

Pick Up Guy - "Do you mind if I use that mat next to you?"
Pretty Girl - "No not at all"
Pick Up Guy - "I'm come here all the time. I never seen you here before?"
Pretty Girl - "Oh I just moved here from Texas."
Pick Up Guy - "Really? That's quite a move. Are you a model or an actress."
Pretty Girl - "Oh I just moved here to go to school."
Pick Up Guy - "Nice. It's just you're so beautiful I thought you had to be a model."
Pretty Girl - "Well thank you I'm not. But that's very nice of you to say."
Pick Up Guy - "Well I hope you like it here. I have once question to ask you, did it hurt. "
Pretty Girl - "Did what hurt? My workout?"
Pick Up Guy - "No. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven. Cause you look like an angel." (At this point I am laughing out loud)
Pretty Girl - "Hahaha. Uh yeah that's awkward...Uh I'm gonna go work out now."
Pick Up Guy - "Okay. See you around."

Now I know why women don't like the gym. All that testosterone floating around someone is bound to hit on you even if you're wearing headphones, an overcoat, and a ski mask. The Pick Up Guy will always find you and make his pass.

4. The Fit Cougar - These are usually recently divorced older ladies who probably met there ex-husband in a gym and are looking for fresh "meat". They are always wearing make up, not a lot, but enough to attract a Muscle Head, or the Pick Up Guy, to their watering hole. They are in really great shape, and generally are just there to meet their next date/victim. Sometimes this species even has a little playmate with them, a younger dude who is in good shape but probably social inept. He hooks up with Cougars because he can't get anyone else,and for a Cougar he's easy prey.

These ladies are single and ready to wrestle not mingle. And they are very protective of their territory. They hiss at the younger girls who get near their machines. And if you pass by them, they might just purr at you to attract your attention. I try to avoid them but the Pick Up Guy and Muscle Head love these ladies.

5. The Overly Enthusiastic Trainer - These people are in such good shape and so "pumped" it makes you ill. They push everyone really hard to be in the best shape of their lives and everybody in the gym has to hear it. The other day I was wearing my headphones and cranking a Nine Inch Nails song and I could still hear the trainer barking out the reps for a Fit Cougar. If I can hear someone over headphones that's just too loud. I wish these people would tone it down just a bit. They're training one person, or a class, not the whole gym.

This is all I have time for today. More in the next post. Have a good day selling!

-M

" I'm Out To Lunch "

2011-04-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

I get so frustrated some times with this job, especially when dealing with small accounts. It's the small accounts that I find the most difficult to deal with in most sales jobs. Why? Because they have a lot of the same things in common:

1.) They're cheap-These people would recycle toilet paper if it would save them money.
2.) They think they should be treated like a big account - Why do the little guys/girls always think they matter more to you than your sanity?
3.) They're cheap - They eat dinner at Rescue Missions because they're too cheap to buy food.
4.) The owner has stayed in business by "nickel and diming" vendors - These are the type of people that clean up at yard sales. "Heh I'll give you a dollar for that dining room set."
5.) They're cheap - They own a Rollex watch they got from "my guy", not an actual Rolex.
6.) The owners usually have this over inflated self worth - These people always think they're the shit. They may not boast, they may not brag, but believe me, they think they're better than any "cheap salesperson". To them you're dirt.

So today, on the recommendation of a fellow customer, I go into this "establishment", for the 3rd time, hoping to set up an appointment with the Director of Nursing. Mind you, this is a place that deals with one of my biggest customers who are recommending that I help educate their staff. I'm not going to receive very many sales from this place, but I'm going there to improve the relationship with on of my largest accounts.

Now keep in mind I have been there on two other occasions, made two phone calls and sent an email to this person to set an appointment. And I have received no response. I walk in for the 3rd time and as usual, there is an empty reception desk in the front room and so I venture towards the back of the office. A man named "Jack" approaches me as if I'm a representative from a government agency trying to shut him down. He looks scared.

"Uh how can I help you sir?", he asks.

" Oh my name is M, and I'm with __________", I respond and hand him my card. He reads the card and his expression changes almost immediately. He looks relieved at first, and then irritated.
"I'm here to see Joan. Michelle from __________recommended I set up an educational luncheon for the staff.", I state matter of factly.

He still looks irritated, " Oh wait here. ", he says and then walks into an office with an large window and an open door. I can see everything happening through the large window. He whispers to a woman, who looks at me then at the card and then at me again.

"Tell him I'm at lunch.", she says to him, clearly audible to me. He comes out of her office, walks over to me, and hands me back my card.

"She's at lunch.", he says.

" Yeah I heard.", is my response. "I'm sorry but ___________, has asked me to come on their behalf to offer an educational luncheon for the staff. Who do I set that up through anyway?", I asked.

"Joan of course.", he answers as if I'm stupid for asking that question.

" I said I'm at lunch." , Joan shouts from her office.

" Okay " I answer loud enough for her to hear.

"She's at lunch", Jack says to me, still looking put out by my visit, "You need to call first. You can't just drop by the office."

" I've been by 2 times before and I have called, and I've left an email. Here's my card just tell her to call me if she feels like it. Otherwise I'll stop wasting both my time and hers. ", I said and this time I was a little irritated.

" I'm at lunch!", Joan shouts again from the office as if I should leave because she's shouting at me now. I ignore her completely and focus on Jack.

" Well, you should call first.", Jack said again repeating himself and sounding like an idiot.

"Right, you said that already and I told you I did call on several occasions. Look I'm only doing this for every one's benefit. So tell her to call if she wants to, otherwise tell her to enjoy her lunch."

He stepped back for minute looked at me, kind of surprised by my response and just said, "Uh okay."

"I'm still eating lunch!", Joan shouted again and I could see directly into her office where she was looking at a computer and nibbling on a carrot stick.

" Got it!", I shouted back and I turned to leave. As I was about to walk out the door, I don't know why I said this, but I mumbled to myself, "I hope you choke on it."

" What was that?", Jack asked me, knowing I had said something sarcastic.

"Have a nice day." I said, smiled and walked out the door.

I never went back, I never called, I never emailed that account again. If a customer isn't willing to return your phone calls, or even set an appointment after 3 tries, they're out. Time for me "Cut bait" and go fishing elsewhere. A salesperson's time is way too valuable to waste.

-M

"Dr. Would You Like a Mint?"

2011-04-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

In any type of sales whether it be medical, financial, auto parts, or copier sales, you come across some people who have questionable hygiene practices. People who might brush their teeth with "buffalo chips", bathe in vinegar, or perhaps use mozzarella as under arm deodorant. People who make it difficult for you to stand near them let alone have a detailed conversation about their needs.

A few months back I was attending a symposium and one of the keynote speakers stopped by our little table to discuss some of our products. The other rep who was there began speaking with him and I listened in for a few seconds and then caught a whiff of his breath, which made my eyes water. My partner was far braver than I and hung in there to discuss how our products could help his patients. I stood, at a distance, and waited for her defense to wither and when I saw her wobble a bit, I stepped in again and faced the fetid storm. However, I had a strategy.

As the doctor spoke about his practice and what he was doing, I tried to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. This seemed to work, and for a time I was able to carry on a conversation with him, but on occasion I would catch the scent of rotting vegetables emanating from his mouth as he spoke. I thought to myself, "Did he eat a shit sandwich for lunch?" But I carried onward because he was a very reputable doctor in his field, and he liked our products. Finally, I got some relief from my sales partner, who after rummaging through her purse, stepped in to relieve me.

"I need a mint strip, heh M, you want a mint strip?", she asked me, holding out the package and hoping I would say yes and the doctor would follow suit.

"Oh yeah thanks. I think there were too many onions in that sandwich at lunch.", I said and laughed to relieve the awkwardness of the moment. I took the mint and popped it in my mouth while she did the same. Then came her cue:

"Doctor do you want one?", she asked.

" No thanks.", he answered.

But she persisted, "Ya sure?", she said, "They just melt in your mouth. Try one.", she said and held out the package while both of us waited anxiously for him to accept.

"No that's okay thank you anyway.", he answered and my partner turned to look at me in shock. Why would someone refuse a mint strip? He must be allergic to nice smelling breath.

So we continued on with our conversation, taking turns talking to the doctor and facing the onslaught of his blasts of bad breath. We were like partners in a wrestling match, slapping hands and "tagging" each other as we jumped in and out of the ring. I wanted to grab the mint strips and jam them down his throat every time he spoke, but I maintained my composure. After what seem like a long period of time, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Doctor, how about we set up a time to meet you in your office next week. That would give us an opportunity to meet with your staff as well.", trying to end the conversation so that he would move on to the next table.

" Next week, oh that wouldn't be so good. How about the week after.", and as he said the word "after", I thought I saw a wisp of smoke emanating from his mouth.

" The week after is perfect. Let's say Tuesday the 19th at 10 am?", I responded just trying to keep vision from blurring and preparing for his response.

" That's good. Very good. I anxious to have the other doctors in my office learn more about your products. They've worked very well for me."

" Great!" , my partner responded and each of us shook the doctor's hand.

Just as he started to move to the next table he turned around and said, "Do you still have any of those mint strips left? Maybe I'll try one. My mouth is kind of dry.", he said to my partner.

" Sure doc. Here take the whole pack, I got plenty.", she added and smiled.

" Wow. Thanks!", he said, smiled, and moved on.

I turned to her and said, "You realize you just saved some one's life don't you? "
She looked at me, " What? How so?"

" Are you kidding me? The mint strips? All the other vendors here should be thanking you because that doc's breath was a killer."

She laughed so loud everyone turned around, but she was truly a Life Saver.

-M

National Sales Meeting Part II

2011-04-05T08:21:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted for a while but it's weird I've actually been out selling products! Isn't that amazing? Heh we all gotta pay the mortgage, or in some cases we gotta pay the mortgage, the car payment, tuition, food, groceries, etc. You get the idea.

Well to continue on with the National Sales Meeting Part II... after speaking to a few fellow reps, I found that these people are pretty much "staples" at sales meetings as well:

Weight Lifter Guy - It seems there's always one over bloated, or "swoll" guy at a National Sales Meeting. He talks about how much he can bench press and he's always eating Clif Bars, and snacking on anything with protein in it. He wants to maintain his "adverse reaction to a bee sting" like appearances for the ladies to admire. I think the problem is that most ladies don't admire this look...and so nothing ever happens for this dude. Whether he's single and wants to mingle or married, he's usually at the gym, or consoling himself with protein shakes, but most of the time he's by himself because people don't wanna hear how much you can squat. (I apologize for the assumed disgusting image now in your head)

The "I Was Robbed!" Salesperson - Each year there's always a sales rep, be it a man or woman, who thinks they got robbed for an award. You hear them complaining before, during, and after the awards ceremony. They bitch continuously and it really is annoying. "Well I had more growth in my territory than she did! Where's my award?", or they say things like, "Technically, his boss gave him that last account in November, but I was leading the whole year so I think I should get the award."

Hey loser. I have news for you - YOU LOST. GET OVER IT! I love winning just as much as Charlie Sheen but give me a break with the drunken lament. You didn't win an award, so friggin what? Who cares, there's always next year. Stop whining and start winning. By the end of the night after a few beers you feel like punching this person in the head just to shut them up.

The "Snitch" - There is always one sales rep at meetings who is like Cindy Brady and turns in everybody. He/She is listening in on conversations, spying on reps who are "hooking up", and reporting back to her manager all the things happening that are not in line with corporate policy. They also try to draw you into their little web by throwing out phrases like, "Did you hear what Rob said about Joe our CEO?....Do you agree with what he said? Joe can be a pain sometimes?"

Oh no you don't traitor...don't try to draw me into your little game. This person is like the "paparazzi" of the meeting too. They have a camera and are taking pictures of people getting far too drunk and then showing them the next morning to managers. They have a few drinks, talk shit, and generally don't know how to have a good time. They're too obsessed with their careers to actually enjoy life.

Strip Club Guys - These guys you won't see at every sales meeting because at times they're extremely covert and they don't want to get fired. But they are there, lurking in the shadows. They usually wait til everyone else has gone to bed and then they hit you up and see if you wanna go to a strip club. Or secretly they already checked online to see where the closest club is located. They're well organized and secretive because they don't want to get caught.

Believe me there are a lot of these reps, bosses, and even managers at National Meetings. They're usually married, or in some type of repressive relationship and the only time they get to see a "different" woman naked is at a strip club. And if you ever go out with them, they go absolutely crazy! They rubbed their faces in the girls chests, get lap dances for hours, and spend all their hard earned commissions getting all worked up over a woman they can't have. My favorite line ever from a fellow rep who coaxed me in to going out to eat and then an hour later we're at a strip club is this, "I think this girl really likes me?"

My response, "She's a stripper you ass. She's supposed to make you think she likes you. If you bought me drinks all night and stuffed money in my pants I'd give you a lap dance too. "

The Smart Sales Rep - Oddly enough these reps are in the minority at National Sales Meetings. They're the "goody-goody" reps. The reps who don't drink, don't smoke, and really don't even socialize. They write down everything, keep to themselves, say all the customary things, and don't leave their hotel rooms at night. They usually are responsible, call they're wife/husband and kids, and go to bed early so they can study for the next day's material. They're genuine and really good people. I usually find that I admire their focus and determination, but I also find them to be extremely BORING. Conversations with these reps usually put me to sleep and I find that most of they're jokes and humor come from kid shows like "Sponge Bob Square Pants" or they sing "Wiggles" songs.

"Wow, did you just quote Ernie from Sesame Street?"

These reps need to get out and live a little. It'd do them some good.

-M

The Annual National Sales Meeting

2011-03-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

For all the time I've been in sales nothing has been more beloved or more dreaded as the National Sales Meeting. Some people absolutely love these meetings while most hate having to take almost a full week away from friends and family to mix with people you like but also people you are competing with on an annual basis. One things for sure there are always a few key fixtures at the national sales meeting:

The Sleazy Guy - In sales there are always people that are so full of themselves that they think they can bring home a girl every night of the week. And probably some of them can, but never a respectable woman. At every sales meeting there's some horny bastard talking about this hot rep or that hot rep and how he'd like to bang her and what he would do to her if he got her back to "my pleasure dome". Really dude? Save that for your buddies who believe that crap and please keep it in your pants. And what's funny when they aren't able to keep it in their pants and they do get to fulfill there sleazy fantasies they usually end up getting fired. Watch out for this guy ladies his usually wearing a lot of cologne and has a lot of cheesy lines like, "Were you're parents retarded? Cause you're special.". Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth as I wrote that.

The Sleazy Girl - Every meeting has a sleazy girl. And sometimes it might be the same sleazy girl for 3 or 4 meetings in a row. You never know what's going on with this person, but sometimes there married and just looking for a discreet short affair, or other times they're just sleazy. Typically there known as the "Woo Hoo" girl or "Holla" girl. They know every pop song and can dance like a stripper even without a pole. They go down on every guy on the dance floor imitating fallatio and then they usually follow through on the fantasy after a few Appletinis and some shots of tequila. At one national sales meeting I literally watched a girl do 10 shots of tequila turn to me and say "I'm gonna fu#$ your brains out!", in front of everyone. My response, "No you're not Mrs. Patron, your going to bed or you're going to pass out."

The "Look At Me" Sale Rep - Everyone hates this rep. This is the person that is so starved for attention they have to try to be the first one to answer a question, they have to speak up at every turn, and they have to share their nuggets of wisdom whenever they can, even without their opinion being solicited. The Sleazy Guy and Sleazy Girl even hates this rep. It can be a man or a woman, this doesn't matter. What matters is they talk out of turn, try to challenge every speaker and basically want everyone to notice how great they are. Well they're not great: in fact, THEY SUCK.

The Drunken Manager - There is always one of these at an annual meeting. Sometimes it's even the CEO or the Vice President. A lot of times these people are wound so tight that when they let off steam they could literally power a locomotive. They usually are tanked every night and telling you, "I love you man...you're great', even though they just met you five minutes ago. They are always overly touch feely and this pertains to guys and girls, and it gets uncomfortable, especially when they have their hands on your genitals.

The Corporate "I Used to Be In Sales" Person - Sales reps never want to hear from a corporate officer/marketing/anything that they used to be a great sales rep. They don't want the Alec Baldwin speech from "Glengary Glenross" that they could make $10,000 dollars tonight with the same leads you have right now. First of all it's all bullshit and secondly there is a reason you're not in sales anymore, you don't want to be in sales, so leave it to us. I don't want to hear about how great you were, I want to hear about how great your going to make me and the rest of the sales team. Unless you're gonna be supportive, "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!"

I've go to say that I'm at an annual sales meeting and I've only run into a few of these characters this year. But heh, I've still got 2 days left! I'll update y'all at the end of the week.

-M

Why Are You Wasting My Time Doctor?

2011-02-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment that I anticipated would take me an hour to get to with traffic so I left early and fortunately arrive early. I had about a half an hour to kill, so I googled a couple of doctors and found one right next door to my appointment. That was my first mistake of the day.

My second mistake was actually cold calling on the doctor. I walked into the office and there was a nice older receptionist behind a glass window and approached cautiously. Older ladies can be the sweetest people in the world, or bitter old hags who are the worst gatekeepers. The latter acting as if there Secret Service agents for the doctor and would take a bullet for him/her if they were forced to, let alone allow a sales rep in the door. As I approached she looked up and smiled.
"Hi I'm M with ________, I know the doctors busy, but I just wanted to leave my card, some information and call for an appointment. Is there certain days the doctor visits with reps."
"Oh that's a unique name? Who named you that?" obviously she was slowly entering senility.
"Uhmmm...my parents? They drank a lot.", I said and cracked a smile. She laughed.
"Obviously because you're Irish.", she responded and laughed again. "Well he doesn't normally see reps, but I'll ask."
Now this strategy can work in your favor or backfire in your face. I've had people come out and be as pleasant as pie, and then I've had other people come out and start yelling at me for bothering their staff. I tried to take the high road here and avoid a confrontation.
"No. No. That's quite alright I know some doctors don't like to meet right away and I don't wish to bother him while he's with a patient."
"Oh he's not with any patients right now.", she said, and I should have run out of the office at that point. How does a doctor not have any patients in the middle of the afternoon. Usually, it's because they're not good doctors.
"No. No. No. That's quite alright. No need I'll just be on my way.", I said, but she was apparently deaf too cause she turned around and walked straight into the doctors office. There was some muffled grumbling and then she came out and closed the door.
"He'll see you in a few minutes. Can I get you anything?" she was one of the nice older ladies.
"No I'm fine. Thank you."
"I have a question for you young man.", she said and I wondered where this was going.
"Sure go ahead. Ask away."
"Are you a good speller?", I had no idea what this meant but decided to play along with her little ruse. I was certain now she was entering senility.
"Sure I guess so."
"Can you spell spot?", again I wondered where this was going. I thought maybe this was a dirty joke or something completely inappropriate so I played along further.
"S-P-O-T"
" Very good. Now what do you do when you come to a green light?"
" I stop.", I said and then realized that was the wrong answer.
" No you don't. At a green light?", she said and giggled, "Do you see what I did there?"
I had to admit that was interesting. I had probably just made her day, "Oh yes I see. I didn't see that one coming.", I said and laughed. It was true, I had been played by a a senile little old lady like a violin.
"Try that one on your friends. It's a hoot.", she said and laughed, "I'm off to lunch now; have a good time with the doctor."
"Thank you."

So there I sat watching a television with Game Show Network blaring about some game called "21" with an over the hill child actor as the host. He was well past his childhood years as to be almost unrecognizable. He shouted at the contestants and they shouted back, and I wondered who the hell watched this crap. There is a whole network out there devoted to just Game Shows. Does it make any money? It would be okay if the shows were any good, but this one was lame. I watch and waited til the doctor game bursting out of the door holding one of the marketing pieces I gave to his receptionist.

"Okay what do you do and what do you sell I don't have a lot of time.", he said in booming voice. I guess for all of the patients out on the street because there were none in his office. He was a tall, bald man, probably in his late 60's and he had a huge bandage on the top of his head. I tried to avoid staring at the bandage but it was impossible. He wore a scrub top with jeans and he sat down next to me and started in on my products.

"What does this do?" he said and pointed to a product. I explained the features and benefits and he dismissed them immediately.
"Aww hell I don't even do that kind of stuff anymore.What else do you have"
I started to ask him what kind of work he did do, and he blew off my question.
"Awww no you don't. You're trying to trick me into buying something. I know how this works. I'm no dummy. I've been doing this for 40 years."
" Really. You don't look that old doctor.", he actually looked very old, with his bald head and large bandage and scrubs. I wasn't even sure he was a doctor, he could have been mistaken for an escaped mental patient. Right then I wanted to leave, because you can tell when a doctor is just bored and wants to test your knowledge but doesn't want to buy anything. In fact, he just wants to talk.
"Well I don't want to waste your time then doctor, so if you're not interested just keep the form and if you need anything call our office."
"What? That's it? You're not even gonna "detail" me?", he was so familiar with the language of reps that he used the word "detail" to describe our question and answer session. "Detail" for me is a stupid term. When I sell you it's a conversation, a dialogue. I'm not here to buff your tires.
"Wait sit. Here let me show you a few of my patients.", he said and pulled out an Iphone. I was shocked. Usually older doctors abhor technology. But this guy had a nice I phone and plenty of pictures. He showed me one patient he had healed, "with none of that fancy stuff people use nowadays". And then he started showing me pictures of girls.
"Here's one of my patients"he said and held up a picture of Morgan Fairchild. I acted shocked and amazed.
"Wow it's amazing how she never gets older", I said and she didn't look older at all. I grew up watching Morgan Fairchild on some really bad tv shows and she never seemed to age. It really was creepy.
"It's collagen injections. All the older ladies get them. It's all about the collagen. Ya wanna know how to tell a woman is older. Look at her hands. She may look 20 but her hands will tell you she's 40. Or in her case 60."
"She's 60?!"
" Yep. But she never reveals her age to anyone. Ya wanna know how I can tell...her hands."
" Well that's fascinating doctor, now I have to get going just wanted to chat for a bit. Thanks."
" What? Wait wait. Here's another one of my patients." , he said and help up his phone with a picture of Joan Collins. And my first thought was, "how many 80's television stars does he treat?" And as he showed me more pictures, I just realized he was lonely and had no patients to see. So he decided to waste my time and have a little fun with me. I looked at a few more pictures and then stood up.
"I really do have to go. But thanks for sharing all that information."
"It seems like I did all the selling.", he said.
"You did. And you did a great job.", I responded and laughed a little bit just to put him at ease.
"Maybe you should take me with you?", he said with a little bit of sarcasm and seriousness, as if to say, "I'm bored out of my mind."
"No doctor. You're better off right where you're at. Thanks and have a good day."
"Come back anytime." he said, shook my hand and headed back to his office.

Yeah, I won't be going back there anytime soon, or probably at all. And wouldn't you know it. He made me late for my appointment. I learned a few things on this call:

1.) Doctors are not always "busy".
2.) Better to be impolite and on time for your appointment then polite and late.
3.) There's a lot of older television stars getting collagen injections. Hell there's a lot of young television stars getting collagen injections!

Have a good day selling!

-M

Dear Non Sales Diary - Short by Humorous Excerpt

2011-02-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SEXUAL CONTENT OR ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18.

Years ago I asked a girlfriend to write out everything she wanted in a man. This is what she came up with:
“You must be confident, honest, artistic, kind, funny, loyal, independent thinker, have the capability for introspection, sociable, unconventional, be able to see through people’s bs, individualistic , romantic but not overly romantic, do rather than say what you’re going to do, enjoy life to the fullest in good times and bad times, show perserverance, care about others, mature , but still young at heart. “
“Really? Those are all your requirements?”
“No not all of them...”
“What other requirements do you have?”
“You have to have a big penis too.”
“Well no guy is gonna meet all those requirements”
“Well than I’ll just settle for a big penis.”
“You’re a total slut.”
“You knew this already.”
“So when are we breaking up? Because you realize I don’t meet any of your requirements.”
“Effective immediately.”
That was one short relationship for the books. Have a good day! See ya!

-M

5 Not Jobs in the "New Economy"

2011-02-16T08:05:00.000-08:00

Now before I get a bunch of comments from people who actually do these jobs, I just want to state that this is my preference not to perform these tasks. In addition in order for me to get a bunch a comments that would also require a bunch of followers of which I have....wait for it....2. And they don't comment so here were go! These are jobs that despite desperate conditions in our "New Economy", I could not perform, even inadequately.

5.) Porn Star "Fluffer"- In spite of my physical appearance, I'm not sure I could get either women or gay men who star in porn "aroused". First of all, if I took off my shirt, the ivory complexion of my skin is far too brilliant for most people to look at without Blu Blocker Sunglasses, and so they might go blind, but would not be "turned on". In addition, if I had to talk to them, that would make it difficult as well because I have been told I'm a better lover with my mouth closed. And lastly, I don't like gay porn that much, so I just wouldn't be that motivated, and I'm sure the porn stars wouldn't be either.

4.) Male Prostitute - Although I've been told many times that I have the "goods" to be a great male prostitute, I've never thought this job would be appealing. And by "goods", I believe they meant I am a man, and I have genitalia, nothing more...literally. The show "Hung" on HBO has done a wonderful job of romanticizing this type of employment because in it the lead character is a part time male prostitute. And as a prostitute he seems to sleep with the most beautiful women in Detroit where the show is set. Are there really that many good looking, wealthy, women in Detroit? The reality is that most of the time your sleeping with someone who is not attractive, not good in bed, and probably asking you to do things like barking like a dog, or putting things in places there not supposed to go. "You want me to do what with the Gouda?". I say if this is offered to you - pass

3.) Sewing Machine Operator - This is one of the jobs that has been listed for a long time as one of the worst jobs in history. Since the 1910's, garment workers have been used and abused by factory owners and nowadays it is no different. If you go to Vernon CA, the heart of the garment district in Los Angeles, you'll see hundreds of illegal immigrants,from various countries, working in below minimum wage jobs to help support their families either overseas or in Latin America. I couldn't do this job for a variety of reasons, but number one - I'm tall, geeky, and I look like an American so if you're an owner, operating outside the guidelines of the labor laws, you probably wouldn't want to hire me. Secondly I have big hands and I can't thread a needle very well, and lastly the only thing I've ever helped to sew was a crushed velour sweat suit for myself when I was a kid. It was purple and it was so cool...for Prince, or a 70 year old!

2.) Cowboy - Although this job seems romantic and incredibly appealing it is a lot of work for very little pay. Cowboys are not as well compensated as some people might think and the loneliness of the trail is not for me. Who wants to be riding for days or months on end with nothing but men? Unless you're a gay porn "fluffer" this job does not sound that appealing. Oh yeah you get to commune with nature all day long, and bond with other guys but after a week, I would be wanting to just stop on a Monday night, pick up a bottle of wine, and watch the "Bachelor" (God I'm so glad Brad sent Michelle home). Moreover, I'm bowlegged and riding a horse would probably enhance this condition so I wouldn't want to end my days walking around like Ron Artest. John Wayne made this job seem incredible but it's lost it's luster for me.

1.) Janitorial Service for a Strip Club - I've cleaned bathrooms since I was a kid. That was my daily chore as part of a big family. And when I was a partner in nightclub I cleaned the bathrooms daily because no one else would and we couldn't afford a cleaning service. But I could not do this job. I worked in the linen industry for a while and we handled a chain of strip clubs, and the things I would see early in the morning would completely gross me out. In my current job, I see bodily fluids in hospitals all day, but in a strip club it's a different story. People in hospitals don't want to share there bodily fluids with other people, it's just a by product of their conditions. However in strip clubs there's fluid flying everywhere; sweat, blood, semen...you get the picture. Some strip clubs double as whore houses so this is a great place to involuntarily pick up some disease as well, or run into celebrities like Nicolas Cage or Charlie Sheen. Yes this did happen to me once in a club in North Hollywood but neither of the guys was carrying a briefcase full of cocaine. But that's a story for another post. The pay is low, the lighting's low, and you never know what you're gonna pick up off the floor: I'll pass on this one.

If you can handle any one of these jobs, more power to you, but I would pass on all of these positions, and just brush up my Career Builder resume. Have a great day and be thankful for what you have and for what you do!

-M

"You're Scaring Me"

2011-02-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

I was just reminded of this story the other day by a colleague and we were discussing psychotic sales reps. You know, the kind of person that someone recommended to work in sales because they're a "people person". What the hell does that mean anyway? Aren't we all "people persons" since we deal with people all day, everyday. Strippers are probably the best "people persons" I know, cause they deal with drooling men on a daily basis and they allow access to various parts of their bodies as well. They foster the most intimate relationships on the planet, so wouldn't they make great sales reps? Hell no.

Just because you can relate to people and understand what they're trying to say, doesn't make you a good sales rep. It makes you a good listener. Bartenders are good listeners, teachers are good listeners, therapists are good listeners. But this doesn't mean they're qualified to work in sales. You have to have a few more than just good presentation and good listening skills to work in sales. First of all, you have to have a little common sense.

For example, I worked as a sales manager for years. And I had my fair share of good and bad reps, but I also had some weird ones as well. And yes, sometimes I hired them, and sometimes I didn't, but believe me there are a lot of strange people out there who call themselves sales reps. And one of the strangest was this woman I didn't hire, but met at a regional sales training conference one year. Her name was Nancy.

Nancy was in her 2nd year of sales with this company I had just been hired to manage. How she got through the first year I'll never know. Probably, because she was attractive, and they saw potential in her looks, but not her abilities. Remember, you can be the most beautiful woman in the world, but that doesn't mean you can sell anything. Believe it or not, there is some skill involved in the sales process, and Nancy was lacking in this department. Namely, she was timid, and didn't speak well. She was former elementary school teacher who her friends encouraged her to try sales because she was a "people person". So here was Nancy in her second year, and this was one of my first regional meetings with this new company. I was new to the company but they felt compelled to have me run the meeting. Probably because they wanted me to impress them, and partially because they were too lazy to organize it themselves. So to start the meeting I asked all of the representatives to tailor a presentation that showed both their personal and professional goals and I asked them to tie the two goals together. Because for me, it was important that my team see their professional goals as a means of achieving there personal goals as well. They had a week to prepare their presentations and I thought this would be both informative and fun.

So, I started the meeting, and I wanted to have each sales rep, guide us through a 10-15 minute presentation on how they would achieve their goals, both professionally and personally. We had 30 reps in the region so this would fill the 1st day of a 3 day seminar. It would take all day for everyone to present, so I just sat back with the other managers and we evaluated our sales force. Some of the presentations were very good, with PowerPoint slides and handouts, while others clearly lacked creativity or were just poorly presented. However Nancy's presentation was not lacking in creativity. In fact, it was incredibly creative, so much so , that it scared me.

For her afternoon presentation, Nancy brought in a number of visual aids, or presentation tools. A few of them, I was unfamiliar with and had never seen used in the field. I was expecting her to use her credibility binder, but instead she brought a blanket, family photos, and candles. I understood the need for family photos, obviously she was tying in her personal goals and her family was important. Why she had candles and a blanket I didn't know, but she soon made all of us aware of her intentions.

She went to the center of the room, moved some chairs, and asked for help in laying down her blanket. A few of the other reps helped her spread out this enormous blanket in the center of our conference room. On the blanket she placed framed photos of her loved ones along with the candles, which she laid out in circular fashion. When she was finished she asked, "Can someone turn down the lights or turn them off please?" Anxious to see what she was going to do next, one of the other managers, ran to the light switch and dimmed the overhead lights. As he did so, the crowd fell hush. She had everyone's attention in the room.

One by one, she lit the candles, until she had surrounded herself in light and she lay on the blanket. I presumed she had learned this technique of presentation in her coven, and she thought the effect would transfer well to the corporate world. There were so many lit candles I was concerned for two reasons. Reason number one, is the fire alarm was going to go off because she has lit more candles than you'd find on an elderly persons birthday cake. Reason number two, is she going to be burned alive while she is presenting. As I was mulling over both potential catastrophies, Nancy picked up one of the pictures and said,

"I know that I am a good person. I know that you are all good people. So why do we have to label ourselves with a number? Is a sales number that important that we lose sight of the fact that we are here to support our children?", and as she said this she held up a picture of one of her kids.

"I love my kids and I will do anything to support them, and I will try hard to hit my quota. But if I don't hit my quota does this make me a bad person? No! I am a good person whether I hit my number or not. So don't judge me on what I do but, rather who I am." She held her arms straight out holding the picture frame as if she were trying to give it to someone, anyone, everyone, in the room.

"This is my son Conner. He's 6 and I'm here to support him and his sister." She then picked up another photo frame and held it out with a picture of a little girl, "This is Christie and I am here working and supporting her too. She doesn't care about a number, and neither does Conner so why should any of you? "

"I will work hard and try to reach my goal, but deep down, I know that even if I'm not successful, I still have my family to love and help me be a better person. " She said this and then walked out of the circle and over to a small "boom box", she had positioned on a table. She pressed a button and the song, "It's a Beautiful Day" started playing rather loudly in the conference room, and as the lyrics started, I noticed that Nancy was singing along with the song!

We were all enthralled.

"It's a beautiful day! Hope I'm not a hopeless case. Touch me....", she sang loudly and with conviction. It was riveting to see this person going through all this production just to explain why she didn't want to be linked to a number. As the song continued she started to improvise lyrics, "I know I'm not just a number.", and "The quota's are set, there's no way we can turn them around. But I'm gonna get set to make them when I get down.", and then she did a semi dance move and through her arms in the air. I looked around the room at all he gaping mouths from the other reps. At least what I perceived as gaping mouths in a darkened room. We all were in shock and as she began to wrap up her performance, Nancy moved lightly back to her "circle of life" and then spun around twice and slowly lowered herself down to the ground in time with the music as it slowly faded. There was a moment of silence as if someone's career had just ended.

And then, thunderous applause from our Vice President, who obviously had a crush on Nancy,

"That's what I'm talking about people! Now that's creative! We all need to be more like that. Way to put your heart into it Nancy!" All of us began clapping as well, loudly, mimicking the idiot who would soon be fired for promoting the use of obvious fire hazards during sales presentations. It was obvious they were sleeping together or perhaps he was just so old he couldn't see her performance in that darkened room.

But he did see her, and we all joined in supporting her act. I was wondering how many more matinees she would be performing in the conference room, and if her "show" would be held over for another week. But in the end Nancy's career, only lasted 2 more months, during which she did nothing. And I mean nothing. She showed no activity, no sales, nothing. I guess some people are really meant to perform numbers not just be one.

-M

Travel Hell

2011-01-04T07:17:00.000-08:00

Flying is a bitch. If you ever fly, you probably have experienced some sort of problems with travel. Either a missed flight, a missed connection, or lost luggage. If you travel more than 5 times per year, something has invariably happened to you to slow your travel plans. If that hasn't happened, your lucky! Or maybe you're a Southwest Airlines customer, and I'll explain this later. (And no I don't work for that airline)

My family lives back east, and this winter I went to visit them for the holidays. It was a lot of fun: plenty of food, egg nog, wine, and cookies. I gained 10 pounds just by being around all those calories, and as usual my family all got "happy" and we sang songs and played cards. This might not sound like fun, but my family likes to get really "HAPPY". By "HAPPY", I mean we drink copious amounts of beer, wine, etc., and are extremely loud. And jokes coupled with insults fly freely, so it is really a great time! Just don't come to our house on Christmas if you're sensitive.

I was planning to stay just a few days and the weather was great; snow on Christmas, and then snow again the next day, but then it stopped snowing. I thought this was great for me since there would be no problems flying out after Christmas. Boy was I wrong.

Apparently, on the east coast they were experiencing a terrible snowstorm, but just not in the region where my family lives. So all during the festivities, I was thinking, "I'll have no problem at all getting out. I'm flying west, not east. Boy look at all that snow in NY. They're screwed.". Wrong again.

When the day came for me to fly back home, my flight was still scheduled on time, and I printed my boarding pass that morning. I was still under the impression, I would be flying out that day. I arrived at the airport in plenty of time, but when I walked through the doors, I knew there was going to be trouble. The line for my flight,on Continental airlines, was the longest in the airport. It was in the center of the terminal with US Airways on one side and Southwest on the other. All the passengers on the other airlines had broad smiles on their faces and they seemed to have a holiday glow as they passed me on their way to the gates. However, all the Continental customers had miserable looks on there faces and were completely annoyed. Some of them looked as if they'd been in line for days. I got in line with the rest of the miserable passengers and waited. The line did not move for almost 15 minutes. And then the "natives" became restless:

"What is the deal with this line. It's not even moving.", someone behind me shouted.

"Can we get out today for God's sake!", added another stranded passenger.

I hadn't even thought to check the television monitor for departing flights so I asked a young woman to save my place in line and wandered over to the monitors. It showed all the Continental flights were cancelled. I was dumbfounded, and sulked my way over to the line again so I could figure out my options. I was not happy about my predicament and neither was anyone else.

"All the flights are cancelled. Did you all know that?", I said to the people behind me.

"What?!" , a woman behind me shrieked. "I need to get home. How can they cancel all the flights?"

"I know. I've been here since Monday, trying to get out. They aren't even answering the phone at Continental. So I came here to try and get out.", another man in front of me said, with a definite look of defeat. He was the guy who looked like he'd been in line for days, and apparently he had: literally.

"No friggin way! How can they do that?", I asked.

"They say it's the weather back east. No flights going that way. And their hub is in Jersey"

"What?!" , again the woman shouted. Obviously she was so incensed, she couldn't express herself any further.

So now everyone in line was getting upset. Apparently, I had opened a floodgate to conversation about how poor the service was with Continental Airlines and how awful the employees dressed.

"How could they just not answer the phone? Dont' they care about their customers?"

"What are they doing up there at the counters?"

"Why is it taking so long? That guy has been at the counter for 20 minutes?!"

"What in God's name is that ticket agent wearing? I thought they all had to be in uniform?"

We would all commiserate and watch the interaction between the customers at the counter and the ticket agents. Nearly all of the passengers walked away disgruntled and the ticket agents showed no expression. No remorse; nothing.

"I feel sorry for that lady's husband. She looks like a dead fish.", someone said about one particular agent who had a very "icy" demeanor. Each customer that she attended to walked away with an angry look on their face. Her reaction was always the same, stoic. She didn't even smile when people came up to the counter, just simply took their itinerary and began tapping on her keys. Half the time she didn't even say anything. The passenger would just stand at the counter and she would be pounding away but not even interacting with them. It was as if they weren't even there, standing in front of her.

At this point, we all started to focus on this particular agent. We speculated about her family, her home life, what a hell she must have created for her kids at home. Or could she even have kids? Half of the people in line thought she was frigid, the other thought she must tie her kids up and leave them in the basement while she went to work. A few other theories were that secretly she was a dominatrix somewhere in the city, but it was our job, if we didn't make it out, to find out exactly where. We nicknamed her "The Ice Princess." This little distraction helped because my mood improved. And as I was getting closer and closer to the counter, I thought, "Please don't let me get the Ice Princess. Please...please...please. No Ice Princess." I ensvisioned her in a black rubber corset with a whip, and I almost laughed out loud. But as the line got shorter and shorter (and it should have, we were there for nearly 2 hours); it became apparent who was going to attend to my travel needs.

Sure enough, while I was standing as the next passenger in line, the Ice Princess called to me, "Next person in line." A cry of joy came from the passengers behind me, and a few audible laughs. They were so happy I was "taking the bullet" for them. I felt certain that I was doomed.

"Just here to check in for my flight!", I said, trying to be funny. I handed her my itinerary. She didn't laugh.

"Where are you flying?", she said, not even looking over my itinerary.

"West. Anywhere west. Not east but west.", I said hoping she would get the hint. She didn't.

"No flights are leaving here til next Monday. Can you fly out of Toronto?"

"You mean Canada?"

"Yeah that's where Toronto is. Do you have a passport.", she asked.

"Yeah, uh no. I don't usually carry a passport when I'm flying in the United States. Should I?", again I smiled, trying to find the humor in the situation.

She didn't laugh. She didn't even smirk. She didn't even look up. Just kept staring at the screen and typing away. It was annoying because she didn't even say, "We're sorry for the inconvenience." I looked at the other counter people and they were all doing the same thing. Typing away and ignoring their customers. I thought that was an odd response, especially if you wanted the customers to continue using your airline. I would never ignore my customer or their needs unless the request were unreasonable. I decided to try and help out.

"How bout Cleveland or Chicago. I flew in from Cleveland, can you get me out through Cleveland?", I asked nicely. But I was beginning to lose my patience with her steely demeanor.

"Let me check on that for you.", and I thought her voice perked up a bit. And then she gave me a ray of hope. Her eyebrows raised as if she might have something. A glimmer of hope and then;

"No. No flights to Cleveland right now. They're all booked. In fact there are no seats available on flights for any of the airlines, except Southwest. And of course you'd have to book your own ticket on that airline.", she said and then typed some more. "Oh sorry no seats on Southwest now either.", she added and I almost saw a little smile. She must have heard what I had said about her while waiting in line.

"What do you recommend I do then? Any recommendations?", I asked her as if I was pleading yet still annoyed with her at the same time.

"Sir there are no flights til Monday. I suggest you go back home and wait until Monday. ", she said and handed back my itinerary.

"It's Tuesday now. You're advice is to wait a week? Really that's the best you can do?", now I was visibly irritated and my face flushed.

"There's nothing I can do for you at this time. sorry.", she said and again I saw a slight grin on her face. She had definitely heard the part about her kids being tied up in the basement.

" Thank you very much for NOTHING. I appreciate it.", I said visibly upset for the service, or lack there of.

" Oh my. Well I never...", she said as if she were offended by my remark.

" I bet you never. Who would want to with you", I said and turned and walked out. As I was walking past, one of my fellow stranded passengers shouted after me, "Did you get out?"

"Nope. I'm screwed!", I shouted back at him, "Good luck!"

I went home checked online, called Continental, waited on hold for an hour, and to my surprise, they got me a flight two days later on another airline. As I was on the phone with the ticketing agent, thanking him over and over again for his assistance, I asked, "Why would they tell me there were no flights on any of the airlines if there were?"

"I think they get so frustrated with the system and the line of people complaining that at some point, they just stop caring.", he said over the phone.

"Exactly.", I responded.

That was the problem. I wasn't frustrated that I couldn't fly, I was frustrated that they didn't seem to care. The ticketing agent didn't even apologize, didn't smile, didn't even register that I was a person standing in front of her asking for help. If she had at least acted like she was doing something or empathized with my plight, or wore the dominatrix outfit while pounding her keys, I might fly that airline again. But after that incident and the one that followed. Never again. They LOST a customer for life.

Remember that it's how you respond to a problem with a customer that's more important than the problem itself.

-M

Kill the Gatekeeper

2010-12-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

As a salesperson you run into some of the most ignorant people on the planet. People that won't even take a meeting. My friends tell me, "Oh they just don't like salespeople. That's all. I don't like salespeople. I don't even know why I'm friends with you anyway."

Fair enough, so they don't like salespeople. What does that have to do with hearing a person out? All I want is to show them my product...am I that great of a salesperson that by some "magic" I will sell them something they don't want? Uh...no. No one is that good, and I repeat NO ONE. You can't sell what they don't want to buy, but on the other hand they can't buy something they've never seen or heard of, so this is a two way street. If you're not willing to see someone then you're just an idiot. That's like trying to by a car and going to just one dealer and looking at just one model. Is ignorance bliss? Or bullshit?

Last week, I was cold calling....yes cold calling; on a lead I received from a pretty reputable source. "Oh you need to go to this agency, they need you're products badly." , so my friend tells me. Meaning they're practicing medicine in the dark ages and get over there before they bleed another patient to death to remove the "bad spirits" from their bodies. I laughed as I headed into the agency and it seemed like it was pretty well kept. I was surprised because usually the appearance of a place can tell you how well they take care of their patients. Usually...but not in this case.

I walked in and introduce myself but did not mention I had been referred to them. I checked my reports and notice that they even had made a few purchases in the last month. So I anticipated this might be a "warm call". I was wrong.

"Hi I'm M. I represent _____________. You're a customer of ours and I was wondering if I could either speak to the Director of Nursing or maybe just get a card to make an appointment.", I handed the young man behind the desk my card.

He seemed terribly annoyed by the intrusion. "You can't see her without an appointment sorry. It's best to CALL ahead of time." And he stressed the word call.

"Is the Director of Nursing here today?", I asked, hoping that she might have a little break in her day to chat for a few minutes.

" Uh yeah. But like I said, it's best to CALL ahead of time for an appointment.", he said again and handed me back my card.

" Yeah I get that I need to CALL ahead of time but someone referred me this agency and advised that I speak directly to the nursing director. So can I get a card to make a phone call so I can make an appointment or is she available now. If she's available now that would be great"

Now he was really annoyed. I guess I had interrupted his "me time" with People Magazine or Facebook. He held out his hand. "Can I have your card back?" I handed him the card and he took it, stood up from behind the desk and walked towards an office with a large window.

Now this is the part that annoys me about being in sales. People always look at you from their offices like you're a rabid dog, or a criminal who's on the loose. Like meeting with you, might place them at risk for rabies or an abduction. It's funny but I don't understand why people aren't more considerate. It's strange, but then again, I hate when people knock on my door selling Christmas wreathes, so I guess it's understandable. I just don't like the way they look at you. So here I am standing in this lobby, being ogled by the Director of Nursing and the "GateKeeper", and I look away trying to be polite. I look at the coffee table full of "OK" magazines and wait for him to come back. It takes a few minutes, and I hear them talking, and finally he returns and hands me back my card.

"She said we don't need any at this time. Thank you.", he said with a forced smile.

I was in shock. I thought for sure she would at least give me her card.

"What? She said we don't need any at this time? I'm sorry what does that mean? I'm not selling cologne door to door or Disney knock off products. These are medical products. "

"I dunno what to tell you. She said she didn't need any. That's what she said.", and I think he snickered a bit.

"Well can I just call her to make an appointment since she doesn't even know what it is she doesn't need?"

"We don't give out that information. SORRY.", he said and then smiled. Not a pleasant or even a fake smile, but the smart ass smile that means "screw you". And at that moment, I knew that I was not gonna take any crap from this little prick.

"I'm sorry. If you don't hand out cards and don't give out information, how does someone CALL ahead to make an appointment to do business with the agency. I'm confused. Is it magic?"

"Yeah I'm not sure exactly. Maybe just leave me some information and I'll give it her and she'll give you a call."

"Oh no problem. Here is a clinical study of how our products improved outcomes in over 1100 patients, and here's my card. Explain to her that I was a referral from Dr. Mengele and he thinks we can help your patients.", now I was completely annoyed, and ready to burn this bridge.

"Okay, no need to get irritated. I'll give her the information. And which doctor recommended your company?", he said, visibly flustered by my attitude, and even more confused that I referred to a doctor.

"Dr. Josef Mengele. I'm not sure he's worked with this agency before. If you could please pass that message along. Thanks.", I said very distinctly and then walked out. As I stood in the hallway waiting for the elevator I said out loud:

"God I've always wanted to do that!"

I wasn't thinking of the repercussions, or the call my boss was about to get in the next couple of hours. I was just happy that I didn't take any shit from that little bastard. Ah....rude.

Have a great day out there!

-M

May I Taser You Please?!

2010-12-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in a conversation or presentation, and the person your directing all your energy towards is ignoring you?! As a rep, we can be spit on, yelled at, threatened physically, and even beaten, but WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE IGNORED. It's just rude! Heh we're people too.

Today, I was with a potential customer and he was too busy looking at his computer to answer any of my questions with enthusiasm. I think I was putting him to sleep, which normally is the affect I have on women. But this guy would stare at his computer the whole time, and he wasn't listening to a word I was saying. The needs analysis, rapport building, Q&A went something like this:

Me: This is quite an amazing facility you have here. How long have you been working for ___________?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh? How long have I what? (Typing away on his computer)

Me: How long have you worked here?

Sleeping Beauty: Oh, me? About ten years.

Me: Really? That's a long time. What drew you to this line of work? Was it something you always wanted to do?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh? Oh me. A friend brought me in one day and I liked it. What does this have to do with your products? (Still looking at his screen and typing)

Me: I'm just trying to get a sense of who you are and what you're looking for in a company, out products are really irrelavent. We want to establish a business partnership with you and _________.

Sleeping Beauty: What? Can you repeat what you just said? (Not even looking at me now)

Me: I said we'd like to establish a business partnership with your company first. We know our products work, but we want to work with you.

Sleeping Beauty: Oh yeah right, right. I got ya.

He was so engrossed in what he was doing, he was now leaning closer to his monitor and typing furiously. I knew that he was not listening to a word I was saying at this point.

Me: Do you mind if I tasered you now?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh. If you what now? (unaware of what I just said)

Me: Do you mind if I tapered this conversation. Maybe we can meet at a time that's more convenient for you.

Sleeping Beauty: Uh what? Why would you want to tape the conversation? That's strange. (Still not looking at me, but too busy updating his FaceBook profile).

Me: No I said tapered. In other words cut it short and rescheduled.

Sleeping Beauty: What? What? Why?

Me: To be honest, I think I'm boring you, and it would be better if I came back when you have more time.

Sleeping Beauty: What? Okay sure, sure. You're not boring me. Sorry I just have to get this done now and I don't have any time. I really was listening.

Me: Oh no. I completely understand, and thanks for your time. How bout we do this again next week on the same day in the morning. Like 9 am?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh? Yeah that works. Sorry again, but we'll get into it next time. (Shaking my hand but barely looking away from his computer monitor)

Me: Thanks.

I shook his hand and left, but I would like to have shaken his whole body! I hate when people meet with you but your eyes never meet. If they don't have time, I wished they'd just tell me. So if someone is ignoring you, just throw something out there. What do you have to lose? You don't even have their attention! Say something to make them sit up and listen....or taser them, whichever works.

Happy selling!

-M

Are you getting this?

2010-12-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

When you're selling a product like cars, bikes, shoes, clothes, and hats, everyone has an idea of what your product is and what it does for them. A car gives them status, or gets them simply from one place to the other. Clothes can give them a good feeling about how they look, or clothes can be a status symbol too. These products and their benefits are easy to understand.

Medical products however is a whole different story. They're are times when I think I'm speaking Greek to these people. Even the doctors! (No wonder there are so many medical malpractice lawsuits).I was speaking to a group of nurses and one doctor today, and I was asking them basic questions about how to treat certain conditions. Then I asked them if they understood the basic cellular functions of a certain organ and they looked at me with blank stares.

You know the kind of stare you have when you're in a store trying to pick out something to drink and there's 200 different options on the shelf and that's just for energy drinks. So you kinda just stare at the overwhelming choices and think, "What happened to just Coke, 7-Up and Pepsi? And do I really need beer with caffeine in it. WTF?"

When I tossed out a couple of advance terms again they stared blankly: so finally I just said,

"Are any of you getting what I'm talking about? There's nothing wrong with that, but would you like me to go through the basic stuff first so it's easier to understand how the product works?" They looked around at each other, and finally the doctor said,

"Yes, yes why don't you go over it so you can refresh our memories. I understand it perfectly but not everyone does I'm sure"

He was so full of it. He looked as dumbfounded as the rest of them. Mind you ,this was a doctor that when using one of my products sewed it into the patient thinking it would work better that way, even though I had helped him place the product about 10 times or more.

"Certainly doctor. I'll give all of you some refreshers on the basics of this type of care. Then I'll explain just how our products work on the cellular level. "

So I guess the lesson here for me was that not everyone knows what you're talking about when you're selling certain products. And it doesn't hurt to go back and "refresh" their memories of the basics. In fact, it can erase any bad influences they've received from your competitors!

Be sure you know your audience and cater to their needs. Have a great day selling!

-M

Are you serious?

2010-11-16T20:08:00.001-08:00

I've heard that women sales reps get accosted all the time by potential or existing customers, but I've never had this happened to me...until recently. I don't understand how women can deal with sleazy doctors, lawyers, customers, mechanics, or midget butchers hitting on them when they go into accounts. Until yesterday.

I was visiting an account for rounds with a nurse director and she and I were having a good time as usual. Her name was Emily and she was a very pretty woman, in her mid thirties, with a great sense of humor and very smart. We finished our rounds fairly early and then she pulled me into her office.

"I really like your product, but I'm more interested in you. What are you up to tonight?", she said politely as if we were just having a casual conversation.

" Uh, this is a little awkward, but I'm busy.", I wasn't but I lied.

" Listen. You and I have been rounding and flirting now for months. You find me attractive don't you?"

I did. I had to admit she was a very attractive older woman, and if I was still a horny young man, I would be totally excited she was asking me to go out on the town. But as an older man, I felt a little bit weird about the entire situation. I tried to deflect the question.

"Of course you're attractive, but what does that have to do with our business relationship."

" Well, if you find me attractive and I find you attractive who cares about the business relationship. We're just two people having a good time together. We should go out for drinks after work. C'mon it'll be fun! I'll pay that way you won't get in trouble."

What's odd is I could see her point. If we in fact were attracted to each other, I thought why not meet her for drinks, but then I realized this was just a recipe for a big bowl of Trouble Stew.

"I'm flattered, and you are very attractive, but I don't want to lose my job.", I answered and I was serious. This was definitely one of those situations that would put my job in jeopardy.

" What? You think I don't know that. But who's gonna know? I'm not going to tell anyone. Are you?", she said and started moving towards me with the look a fat kid gives to a candy bar. I backed up instinctively.

" It's not that. Someone could see us out together and automatically assume the wrong thing.", I said and kept backing towards the door.

" If you ask me, they can assume all they want, but it's not the wrong thing. It's definitely the right thing!", she said with enthusiasm and I could sense that her hunger for "candy", meaning me, was not going to be satisfied til she had me.

" Uh, this is getting weird. I thought you were buying our stuff because it works. Not because of me."

" You're product works great but I just like seeing your ass everyday. I love those pants.", she said and smacked me on the butt. I jumped like a frightened cat. She smiled.

" Emily, I don't think this is gonna work. I like you and all but I can not only lose my job but ruin my career. I should go." I said and I reached for the door but she leaped in front of me.

" Oh no you don't. You're not leaving just yet. I wanna show you something.", and with that she promptly removed her top. She was wearing a pretty black bra underneath. I backed away from the door to give her room to do whatever else she was planning to do.

"What do you think?", she said looking down at her breasts.

" That bra is really pretty.", I answered, by this time I'm sure my face was flushed red.

" Not the bra you idiot. These!", she said and cupped her breasts, "They're nice huh? Not bad for a 30 something woman. Of course their fake but they're great!"

I had to admit they were spectacular, and it was obvious she was in great shape. So here I had a beautiful woman in only her scrub bottoms and a bra, standing in front of me, wanting me to accost her. Believe it or not, I didn't know what to say. Part of me was rising to the occassion while the other part of me was trying to resist. I had to think of something fast.

"I can see that part of you likes it." , she said and looked at my pants, "Wow. That's impressive."

My body was obviously not listening to my head in this situation. I laughed a little bit, trying to buy some time and amuse her.

"Ah that happens all the time. Especially this time of day.", I said and laughed again.

"Really?", she said and moved towards me, "And I thought it was all because of me.". She moved slowly with a sheepish grin on her face and her eyes were locked with mine. She was moving in for the kill and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to resist. It had been months since my last relationship and I hadn't been with a woman for quite a while. And now here was a lovely woman in front of me, wearing a bra, and ready to pounce. My resistance was starting to wain. Her perfume, her bra and her beauty were starting to get the best of me, and as she moved closer to kiss me only one thought went through my head. "You're fired!" I heard my boss say this loudly and I snapped back to reality. I slid under her and moved away.

"Playing hard to get huh? I like that she said with a smile." and she moved towards me again.

I had to think of something, anything to get out of the situation. And then suddenly it came to me in an instant. As she was moving in again, with my resistance down, and my desires up, and just as she was about to kiss me, I blurted it out.

"Emily, I'm gay.", I lied.

Her head snapped back and she looked at me, "What?!"

" I'm gay. That's why I can't go out with you. I didn't want to say anything. It's kind of embarrassing for me.", I said and looked down at the ground.

She looked down at my pants, "Uh...that is not how a gay man reacts to a woman."

" I was looking at the picture behind you.", I said. Her head turned and a semi-erotic photo of a nude man was hanging on the wall behind her. She turned back and looked at me. I looked down at the ground again.

"That's a Robert Mapplethorpe photo isn't it?"

" Oh my god you are gay!", she nearly shouted. "Now it all makes sense. No wonder I like you so much. I'm kind of a fag hag.", she said and began laughing. I laughed awkwardly with her and as I did, the sexual pressure and tension were now gone from the conversation.

" You're a fag hag?", I said acting surprised because I was surprised.

" Oh yeah. For years now. And I've always liked gay guys. Oh this completely makes sense. ", she said and she started looking for her top.

" You're not upset?", I asked finding her top and handing it to her.

" Upset? No not at all. This happens to me all the time. I'm always falling for gay guys.

At that time, I began to question my own masculinity. Did I dress gay? Did I carry myself like a gay guy? Was I too metrosexual? All these questions popped into my head. But I stayed the course .

"Oh well that's a relief. I'm glad you're not upset."

" Not in the least. In fact I'm flattered that you at least seemed aroused."

" You won't tell anyone will you? People are weird about that stuff", I said.

" Nah, your secret's safe with me."

" And what about my business? Is my business safe with you?"

" Oh yeah that's safe too. Don't worry at least now I have someone to go shopping with me. ", she said with a smile and started laughing.

" I can do that.", I said with a smile of relief. Now I just need to figure out how to dress more fashionably.

-M

Is This Too Revealing?

2010-11-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

I was out last week in a hospital and talking to a few nurses when this tall buxom woman comes walking on to the floor and almost everyone's head turns. She was absolutely beautiful: long hair, pretty face, and a flawless body. Which to her credit, she had worked hard to maintain and didn't mind showing off to the doctors.

However, the dress she had on was so tight, and so revealing that it was almost as if she had nothing on. First of all, it was low,low,low,low, cut in the front. Did I mention it was cut low?

And secondly it was so tight that every curve was accentuated and every line revealed. It was so snug, one of the nurses said, "She can't be wearing panties with that. It's way too tight, you would see the panty lines." Too which she added, "I bet you'd like to find out wouldn't you?"

I said nothing, because my mouth was still open, and then as I listened to what she had said, I just chuckled and asked, "Who is that anyway?"

"That's your competition.", the charge nurse said and then laughed.

"Really? I'm in trouble.", I responded and then gulped for air.

"No you're not. We make most of the decisions on this floor and we've decided we don't want to work with a rep who dresses like a whore. All the guy docs like her but we don't. I wouldn't worry about it."

" The docs like her. That could be trouble?", I was trying to keep from staring at the young woman who was just across the station and talking to a resident doctor.

" They like her, but they don't respect her. She's an idiot. They bring her in just to ogle at her."

" Really? That's kinda sad."

" For her not for you. Quit whining.", another nurse said and then added, "Don't even think about dressing like that."

" I would never do that. First of all I'm a man, and secondly, I don't like that dress."

-M

Smile for God's Sake!

2010-10-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

I was interviewing for a job one time and it was nerve racking because the interviews were all in this open hotel lobby, so you could see all the other candidates being interviewed. It wasn't intimidating but it was kind of voyeuristic seeing other people in the process of going through what you were about to do.

I was watching the guy before me interview and I noticed he had a very loud voice and a good presence. He sat up straight, was well spoken(you could hear him through the whole lobby area), and he was well dressed. He had one fatal flaw though. He never smiled. Not once! Not when he was telling a story, not when he talked about his family. Like I said you could hear everything in this lobby. Not one time did he crack a smile.

I thought to myself, "I wouldn't hire this guy. He's way too serious about himself, about life, and customers don't respond well to that type of behavior. They're intimidated. As the interview ended he finally smiled as he shook the interviewer's hand. Too little, too late. I knew he wouldn't get the job because when I came over to the table, the interviewer said, "Man that guy was intense!" I smiled and laughed and she did the same.

Have you ever had someone smile at you and you feel the need to return the favor and smile back? It's call the Law of Psychological Reciprocity, which means essentially people tend to give back the feelings you convey. So if you don't smile, they don't smile, and if you're mean then they're mean right back at you. If I'm having a particular bad day, or dealing with some unruly customers, I find myself smiling a lot to overcome the negative feelings. It makes me feel better and keeps me upbeat, so I have a better day. Try flashing those teeth every now and then, especially when you need someone to return the favor. It works!

-M

Dear Sales Diary - Is that a purse?

2010-10-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

As usual today was one of those days where the contact didn't know me in an account, and so I had to introduce myself. It's always difficult getting people to like you immediately, but I've always found humor to be a good ice breaker. It seems to put people at ease if you can make fun of yourself. Even in very stressful situations.

So today, I met with a Nursing Director who was instantly as cold as ice when she shook my hand. In fact, her hand was freezing and I swear I saw ice forming on her hair and over her shoulders. Her blood must have been made of liquid nitrogen, because as she said "hello", I thought I saw the letters of the word billowing out from her lips in icy pillows the way dry ice "smokes".So in order to deflect the Ice Princess, I had to change the call quickly. I looked around for something to comment on, and saw a whole line of weird little purses positioned on her window sill.

"Okay mister....uh whatever. I don't have a lot of time. So what company do you work for again?", she said.

" Does it matter?", I answered and she looked shock.

" The more important question is this. Are those really purses up there on your window sill?"

She looked at me and I smiled and then she began laughing hysterically.

"Those are the weirdest looking purses I've ever seen.", I said, and she continued to laugh.

" Those are ceramic vases made into the shape of a purse. My daughter's an artist. I can't believe you thought they were real. That's great. What did you say your name was again and how can I help you?"

Game over. One little endearing joke and the Ice Princess warmed up. And I was sincere too. I didn't know what the hell those things were and it would've bugged me through the whole call. Glad I asked. Make sure to keep people at ease and keep'em laughing.

-M

Interview Tips #2-Choose wisely even in today's market

2010-10-06T06:48:00.001-07:00

With so many people out of work, it's tough not to take a job, even if it's something you don't want. But keep in mind, you need to be just as happy in your next job as you were in your last. Or maybe you weren't happy with your last job, but try to find a job that will make you happy. Here are tips to notice in the interviewer that will tip you off he/she doesn't like his/her job or company:

1. No smile - When they greet you they shake your hands but don't smile. This is a tip that this person is a total jerk or is having a bad day, which for them could be everyday. They're all about business because they don't have time for anything. Hell you're lucky they're even speaking to you right now.

I was once late for an interview because I was given directions to another office by the interviewer. She started the interview with, "Thanks for finally making it here. Are you serious about this job? Cause if you were, you would have left early enough to account for the miscommunication." And I'm thinking, "You're gonna be my boss? You can't even admit you made a mistake. Uhhh, take your job and your attitude and cram it!" That was a short interview to say the least. I practically ran out of the office, feeling liked I'd escaped a prison sentence. I waved goodbye to all the other convicts as I left the building.

2. Coffee Mug On the Desk - Which reads "Success is 10% inspiration, 10% perspiration, and 80% coffee", or "Property of Ms./Mr. Wonderful". That's usually a tip that they aren't so wonderful. Or a mug which reads and I've seen this one, "My employees gave me this mug, so I wouldn't fire them!" It was on the desk of a business owner, and it fit him appropriately.

3. Office Chaos - The office your interviewing in looks like a scene from the television show "Hoarders", and it takes the interviewer 10 minutes just to find your resume. Cups of coffee, candy bar wrappers, and food everywhere mixed with old candy from the depression era that if you bit into it, you would need a new tooth for sure. These are sure signs that the place your going to work at is in an equal amount of chaos.

4. No Time - The interviewer keeps reminding you that he/she has very little time for the interview. This is a sure sign they don't have time for "you" in particular, or that they're totally disorganized and not worth your time as well. It's not that they have to be neat, they just have to take the time to interview you properly. If they take numerous phone calls, or look a lot at their computer during the interview, they could care less about how happy you'll be in your new position. They don't even have time to look you in the eye. This is especially true in tech jobs where social skills are valued much less than technical skills. Either way you're still a person.

5. Rudeness - Believe it or not most interviewers think they have the upper hand because you're the one who needs the job. And they're right. But that doesn't mean they have to be rude. I interviewed once with a company for one position with 3,000 applicants all with experience.

When I walked into the office/cubicle for the interview the guy said to me,

"This will take 15 minutes and if you're lucky enough to get past me, cause I'm really tough, then you get to interview with our VP of Human Resources. If you can get past me that is. Keep in mind there are 3,000 people interviewing for this position so you'd better be good if you're going to even be considered. Got it"

"Okay."

"Okay? That's your response. Do you think that's going to separate you from the other 3,000 applicants. Okay? Why would I want to hire you anyway? Tell me why?"

I was pissed at this point. And the tip was my face flushed red.

"Oh did that upset you? Well I'm not sorry."

"Neither am I. Thank you for the non interview. I understand you do this to "weed out" the "losers" I said gesturing with my hands. But there's no cause to be rude. My question to you is why would I want to work here in the first place? Thank you for your time.", and I stood and held out my hand.

He shook it but was irritated with my response. "That's it you're just giving up! You don't want the job."

"I'm not giving up. I want a job, I just don't want this job. Thanks again."

"Whatever", he said obviously flustered.

No job is worth being humiliated in or out of the interview process. And why would you want to work for a company that treats you like crap. I wouldn't. People need to be inspired, not retired.

-M

Dear Sales Diary: Interviews Uggggh!

2010-09-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

I hate interviews. I know that we're all suppose to be little "professor positive" when we walk into an interview, but seriously; it's like lining yourself up for a chance at rejection. And get this, I interview very well! Imagine if you don't interview well. You're screwed.
There are all kinds of reasons for an interviewer to reject you. First of all, they all have a script or document which tells them what to ask and to analyze your responses. Usually that is a phone interview. And if you pass their little test, then you get lucky enough to meet them in person. And again that have a script or document for the interview. Hell, even I had an outline of questions I wanted to ask just to make sure I was hiring the right person. And despite all those tools, it's difficult to choose the "perfect candidate". I have hired and fired hundreds of people and I found that there are a few things you shouldn't do during the interview process:

1.) No short sleeve, button down shirts - If you wear this it tells the interviewer you don't know what you're doing or you just got out of class at St. Mary's Reform School.

2.) No food in the interview - Believe it or not on 2 occassions I've had people show up with food, saying they didn't have time for lunch. Heh, I want to talk to you, not watch you stuff your face.

3.) No jeans - Absolutely a no-no. If I tell you it's a casual interview that means, wear khaki pants or something not a pair of your best Levi or Wrangler jeans.

4.) No gum - I had a candidate "pop" his gum all through the interview process. It was so annoying by the end of the interview I wanted to "pop" his face!

5.) Conservative Jewelry - I interviewed a candidate one time who was wearing a Cartier watch. When I heard about her rich dad who gave her everything she wanted, my immediate thought was, "she doesn't need this job". So I probed her and she told me exactly that, "I don't need the money, I just want something to do til I get my inheritance." Rich people are clueless.

Those are just 5 quick tips for interviews. I'll pass on 5 more examples next time. Have fun out there...you have one of the best jobs in the world. Make sure you keep it!

-M

Never mistake activity for achievement

2010-09-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

Years ago I managed a sales rep who was probably one of the nicest people I will or have ever met. Let's say his name was John. John was a great person. A hard worker, a family man, with a wife and 2 kids whom he had supported since he was in college. He was originally a professionally athlete but a knee injury ended his career and he had been working ever since to support his wife and children.

As I mentioned John worked hard, very hard. He would be the first one to the office in the morning and the last one to leave at night. When everyone else would get 20 cold calls in for the day, John would have 40 cold calls. When everyone else was at home with their kids, John would still be out in the field trying to sell. Simply put, the guy worked harder than anybody on my sales team. But this hard work never translated into sales success. John was always at the bottom in sales in our region.

One day he came to me, "Heh I can't do this. I'm just not cut out for this kinda job. I thought I could sell. I was the number one sales person at 7 up. Why am I not number one here? I can't figure it out. I do what you tell me, I do twice as many calls as everyone else, but I'm not making any money. What's wrong with me?"

"John. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You're a good person and a hard worker. Here is what I can do to help you. I'll ride with you and see if together we can't figure out what's going on. Just keep working hard and we'll figure it out. Don't get down on yourself."

He nodded his head and we agreed to go together on Thursday of the same week. John made all his appointments and set up a pretty good day. 5 appointments and we planned each one of them, analyzing each potential customer and what their needs might or might not be. So as I mentioned before, he worked very hard. He had my ass out in the field at 7 am. I get up at 6:30 am, I'm not in the field at 7 am. Who the hell is ready for a meeting at 7 am? Now I know there are plenty of deals closed early, but unless I have a planned appointment at 7 am there is no reason to be out in the field. Nothing is open, and if they are open they don't want to be bothered by sales reps when they just unlocked their doors. In fact, it really pisses people off.

We cold called 5 accounts all of them not happy to see us. John left his card with each one, and he is such a nice person, they were happy to take it after initially giving him a hard time. So building rapport was not really an issue with John, people liked him. His activity was good but really was it productive? 5 cold calls, no appointments, and 5 irritable potential customers, all before 8 am.

We got to our first appointment at 8 am and it was a tire shop. The "lobby" was full of people and the owner looked to be the guy behind the counter. And by "lobby" I mean a 10'x 10' area, with a couch made from the backseat of an old car, and two chairs that used to be bucket seats from a Datsun 280z. The counter person was talking to people, writing estimates, and directing employees.

"Is that the owner?" , I asked John.
"Yep. That's him", he answered.
The customers asked questions and milled around, while the owner spoke to everyone and seemed very helpful. He answered politely but curtly, almost with an anger in his voice that belied his experience. Sometimes as people get older they run out of patience, especially for stupid questions like, "Do I need to have the stem in the tire?" (Trust me the answer is "yes" to that question)

We waited patiently and the owner was finishing up with the last customer.
"John. Why are we standing here? He does know we have an appointment right?"
" Yeah, he's just kinda grumpy some times is all. We better wait."
" John, the day's a wastin. We can't wait for the right time to tell this guy we are here and have an appointment. Why are we waiting?"
" Just hang on a second. I don't wanna piss him off."
" Piss him off? We have an appointment. Can I say something to him? Can I wave at him?"
" No that's not a good idea."
" What the hell John? Is he gonna shoot me."
" Maybe.", he said and laughed, "He's a mean bastard some times."

Just as I was about to say something else the owner came out from behind the counter and as he was walking past us said, "Just a minute guys." He headed outside with a customer. To me that was our cue. He knew we were there, and he knew we had the appointment.

"John. Please get some balls and go out there and talk to him. Just let him know we're here and if it's incovenient we'll come back. But let's not stand here like a couple of idiots."
" Okay, I'll go talk to him.", John answered, shrugged his shoulders and walked outside.

I followed John outside and noticed the owner talking to a customer and then looking at a car. He bent down, checked a tire, wrote something on his note pad, and then walked to the other side. John approached him from behind and seem to be saying something to him, but the owner did not respond. He didn't even move his lips. I saw John was mouthing something but still the owner didn't respond. I thought maybe he was deaf. Not one single movement in John's direction. John followed him around the car slowly, all the time it looked like John was talking but it was a monologue. No response from the owner. Finally John came back over towards me.

" What's the story John?"
" He said for me to come back tomorrow."
" Really cause I didn't see him open his mouth. Really? We're you even speaking with him."
" He was kinda ignoring me."
" Did you even say anything?"
" Yeah I reminded him of the meeting and asked if now was a good time to speak."
" And?"
" And he said no."
" John, you were running your mouth for like 2 minutes and all you got outta him was no."
" I know, I know.", John said and put his head down.
" You have to have more respect for yourself than that. You're a person too John. Don't be overly polite. It's fine to be respectful but don't over do it. The customer will not treat with the same respect you give to him. He'll walk all over you."
" I know, I know.", he said and hung his head again.
" John, don't hang your head. You're better than that. You were a professional football player for god's sake! Be respectful, but don't coddle to people. It's demeaning and it makes you look bad."
" I know."
" Don't say I know John. Say I will. I will not let people be rude to me. I am a person, just like them."
" I will. I will.", and he picked his head up a little bit, just for my sake I think.
" John, don't see yourself as a salesman. You like helping people right?"
" Yes."
" So helping people is what we do. We don't sell, we find solutions to problems. Think of it that way. And if by helping them you have to be a little more forward, let's do it. It's for their own good."
" So it's not rude to bother them?", he said as if he was surprised that I perceived our job this way.
" You had an appointment right?"
" I did. And I confirmed it yesterday with a phone call."
" You confirmed it? Then it was rude of him not to acknowledge it."
" You're right that was kinda rude.", and for the first time I saw the light bulb go off in his head. He didn't seem irritated but determined.
" John, you are a person and I see what's happening here. You do all this work, make all these appointments, and people are just blowing you off."
" You're absolutely right. They do!"
" Be polite, be sincere, but don't get run over. Work smart, not hard."
" Got it."
" Make them count John. I rather you had 3 good appointments than 7 crappy ones."
" Got it."
" And last but not least. Don't confuse activity with results. You can be out here all day seeing people who are rude and don't treat you with respect without closing one account. It would be better to have 1 account you close than 10 you don't close. Otherwise it's a waste of time. "
" I get it now. Work smarter, not harder."
" John, I've seen you with your wife and kids and you love them don't you?"
" Best things that ever happen to me."
" You want to see them more don't you?"
" Then you need to start being a little more assertive and close accounts. Do it out of respect for them and yourself. I know that sounds like bs but it's true."
" Work smarter not harder?"
" Exactly! Now I want you to go over there and talk to that guy."
He looked shocked. " Now?"
" Yes now. This is the best time to start."
" Okay.", he slumped his shoulders and I grabbed him by the arm and turned him towards me.
" John. You are just as important a person as he is, and you are offering something that will help him. All the rest is bullshit John. Now act like you deserve his respect and he'll treat you with respect."
" Okay, I'll give it a shot."
" No don't try. Do. Do it for your family. Now get in there."

He looked me in the eye and I saw the determination in his face. He turned, walked over to the owner who was now looking at a different car, and this time I heard John's voice. It was not loud but loud enouugh for me to hear, and there wasa no doubt the tire shop owner could hear him. And again the owner ignored him, and so this time John tapped him on the shoulder. The owner turned around and John in a forceful voice explained that he wanted to reschedule his appointment when the owner was willing to make time to speak to him. He apologized for interrupting his day but I heard John say, "I know you're really busy sir but so am I, and I really think I can help you." The owner nodded his head and I couldn't hear what he was saying but he actually smiled, and slapped John on the shoulder. The two then shook hands and the owner returned to the car he was looking at. John turned and came walking back with a big smile on his face.

"Wow that actually worked!", he said to me.
" See John, I'm not always full of BS. What did he say?"
" He said come back in the morning and I'll set aside some time at 9 to talk. And, and he apologized for ignoring me!", he looked happy and shocked at the same time.
" Awesome."
" That was friggin amazing. I'm gonna do that with everybody from now on. I wasn't rude, I just wanted him to respect my time, just like I respected his. That's what I said."
" It's all about respect."

It truly was awesome to see the change in John from that point forward. And with that incident he turned it around and became one of the best reps in the region. Just a slight nudge of encouragement and a little self respect go a long way. Too often we see ourselves as sales people and not as people. Our time is just as important as anyone else and we need to use it wisely.

Remember, activity doesn't always lead to results.

-M

Dear Sales Diary:Know Your Stuff!

2010-08-24T08:11:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I received the "test" from a doctor who wanted to make sure I knew what the hell I was talking about. It was a joint call, and so I met another rep, and when I walked in the door, the doctor immediately confronted me:

"Okay, I have this patient right here and her condition is this, this, and this. What would you prescribe?", he said. (Indulge me I don't want to get into the details of the patient's condition. Heck, HIPPA might come down on me.)

I looked at him for a few seconds. He was an older doctor, his hair slicked back, with an old lab coat on. He must've been at least 60, with giant white caps on his teeth. Picture Dracula but without fangs and large, horse-like teeth. It was an imposing site. I looked at him, then his patient, then at him again.

"How should I know you're the doctor.", I responded, which made his assistant laugh. However, the doctor wasn't laughing. He really was testing my knowledge of both the patient and my products.

So I asked him a series of questions about the patient's age, her history, the conditions he had treated her for before, and gathered all the information I could about the patient.

" I think you should do this, this, and this. If the other treatments aren't working."

He seemed satisfied with the answer and so did the patient who was staring right at me. "Good answer", he said.

I looked at the patient and at the doctor and said, "Thank you doctor. I'll be in the other room with my next patient. If you'll excuse me.", and acted as if I was going to leave.

At that joke he did laugh. Lesson learned. Whether it's a doctor, mechanic, restaurant owner, truck driver, or anyone you're selling: Know Your Stuff. Otherwise, you won't earn respect and you'll never make the sale.

-M

Teamwork

2010-08-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me with all this talk lately on the radio and television regarding LeBron James and the "Super Team" they've assembled in Miami, that teamwork is an essential piece of that puzzle for any team to win a "championship". Without teamwork you can have all the talent in the world but if you can't work together than nothing gets accomplished.

I remember years ago when I was a sales manager and I teamed up with another sales manager on an account that had multiple locations in each of our regions. The corporate office was in my territory but a majority of the business was in his, and I had a good relationship with the decision maker. So naturally if we "tag-teamed" the account there would be no stopping us. Right? Uh right...things don't always work out the way they should.

First of all picture a short man, named Fred, with an attitude, and you'll see where I'm going with this one. A short man, with a little bit of a temper and a HUGE EGO. I was willing to work with "Wicked Webster", as long as we made the sale; who cares. I felt it best if we meet to plan out the call and he agreed. We met at a coffee shop near his house, naturally.

"I think I should lead the call since I know the decision maker and have a relationship", I said as we sipped our mocha smocha latte something, something...

"I don't agree." he retorted, "Most of the accounts are in my territory and so I should lead the call."

"Fred, no offense but that doesn't make sense. Our contact doesn't know you at all so I think we should ease into it and build some rapport before you start leading the call. Why don't I start the call and we can work it together."

"Okay you can start the call, but I prefer to do most of the talking."

" Why?", I asked, somewhat offended.

" I wanna give us the best chance to win.", he responded not listening to a word I said.

" Win what? Is this a race? This is a big account and I want us to "win" too. Just let me introduce you and don't think I'm not going to speak after I introduce you to Jim."

"Jim? That's your contact's name Jim? Okay got it. I'll take it from there.", as if he didn't need to talk anymore now that he got the contact's name.

" Okay, here's what's going to happen Fred. I will introduce you, we will build some rapport just to verify his buying motives and then we'll work on establishing a good relationship so we can move forward."

"I agree. Just let me do the talking and we'll be fine.", he said and adjusted his tie, checking out the girls coming in the door and smiling. The girls gave him an odd look, and shuffled past as if they were afraid he would tug at their skirts.

" I will do some talking for sure, but I will let you have the spotlight if you like. But if I see it going south I'm steppin in. Got it?"

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen.", again he smiled at more girls coming in the door and received the same reaction. As if they were wondering who the short, perverted man in the suit was up to with his odd smile.

"Whatever dude.", I had given up on trying to convince him my input mattered. So far the teamwork part wasn't going so well.

We rode together to the call and just as planned, I introduced Fred to our contact Jim, "Thanks for meeting with us today Jim, this is the other manager who would be handling your account, Fred. Fred's been with us for a long time, has a wealth of experience for us to draw upon, and would be a great person to partner with to help you increase your business."

Fred stepped in, "Thanks for the great introduction, I'll take over from here.", and then he never stepped out.

For nearly an hour he bored the customer with all the great things he had done for the company, and all the wonderful things he was going to do for Jim and his company. He asked Jim about the pictures on his wall, what sport's teams he rooted for, everything except what he wanted. I interjected a few times only to have Fred make a joke like, "Yeah right, like that's gonna help them!"
After we left, I felt underwhelmed by the call, Fred on the other hand was elated.

"Man! That went great. I covered everything! And did you see how I had his attention. He only looked at his watch 3 times. That's gotta be a record. Most of the time they check their watch regularly. Wasn't I great?!"

"Fred, were we on the same call? I don't think we're going to get that account. You didn't let me say anything. I know Jim, I've known him for ten years. I think he was looking for you to find out what HE WANTED, not what we do. '

"You're so negative. It's a good thing I didn't let you talk. You might of blown it for us. Thank God I was there to save it."

Just then my cell phone rang and I answered. It was Jim.

"Heh, you left your bag here, just thought I'd let you know. Are you gonna come back and get it."

" Oh I'm sorry Jim, yeah I'll come back and get it right away."

" Listen why don't you come back and you and I will talk about the account. Don't bring your friend."

" Okay. Why? Is something wrong?"

" No there's nothing wrong. He's just an asshole that's all."

I couldn't help myself; I started laughing and so did Jim.

" Okay Jim, I'll go pick up my car and come back later today like around 4 is that okay?"

" Yeah no problem. And I'm serious. Do not bring that guy back in here. He's a dick!"

" Sure, sure, no problem. Thanks Jim, see you at 4."

" See ya.", Jim said and I hung up the phone.

The entire time I was on my cellphone I could feel Fred breathing down my neck trying to hear every word. He was driving and I had to cover the phone to keep him from eavesdropping.
When I hung up my teammate was on me immediately, "Was that Jim? Oh wow, I knew I did great! Sounded like he wants us to come back. Does he?". Fred was nearly jumping out of his seat and not focusing on the road.

" Yes that was Jim. And yes he wants ME to come back. I left my bag there."

" Oh god you are such an idiot. Why did you do that? Good thing I was there or we would never get the account."

" He wants me to come back at 4 and he wants me to come alone."

" What? Why?", Fred turned as he driving with a shocked look.

" He doesn't want you there.", I said staring straight ahead, not looking at him.

" Why?", again he seemed terribly confused.

" His exact words?", I asked.

" Yes what did he say?"

" His exact words?", I asked him again, afraid to give him the answer.

" Yes!", and as he said this he nearly jumped out of the driver's seat.

" Don't bring your friend, he's a dick.", I answered and looked straight ahead, feeling a bit absolved, but also bad for Fred.

Fred didn't say anything for a while and just kept his eye on the road looking ahead. For once he was quiet and this lasted a few minutes. He just sat there staring at the road. I was about to say something when Fred spoke up.

"He really said "he's a dick"? Those words exactly?"
"Yep."
He nodded his head. Sat driving for a few minutes and then said:

" That's weird people don't usually say that about me until the second call."

I nearly fell out of my seat laughing and so did Fred. Now that's what I call teamwork.

-M

Dear Sales Diary - Always Be Prepared

2010-08-11T14:24:00.001-07:00

Today, like everyday I was on my way to work, and I saw a one armed man cleaning windshields for money. This industrious gentleman is always at the same corner, where everyone gets on the freeway and when cars stop he will solicit his services for a small fee. Whenever I have a chance to stop, I give him some change and he spot cleans my windshield.

However, this morning I saw him a long way off and so I grabbed some change from my console and prepared to slow down in order to give him the coins. Yet, as I got closer, the traffic light changed to green and people were beeping their horns at me to continue on throught the intersection. It seemed I was backing up the flow of traffic and so I panicked. I stepped on the gas, threw the change at my one armed friend and yelled, "Catch!". Of course he didn't because the other arm was holding a squeegee. And I didn't realize what a bad idea that was until after I was on the freeway. First of all, don't throw things at a one armed man that's rude. Secondly, don't throw things at a one armed man who's holding something, because that's just mean.

And then I thought "Well he should have been prepared in case that happens. Like with a pail or tin to catch money."

It wasn't really his fault but you should always be prepared when someone throws money your way!

-M

Dear Sales Diary - Ask Good Questions

2010-08-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I was at Coffee Bean getting a coffee and the person behind the counter took my order for an Americano and then asked me not one but two ridiculous questions.

The first question was, "Would you like whipped cream with your Americano?"
My response was not meant to be rude but I'm sure came across that way, "You're kidding right? I've never been asked if I want whipped cream in my Americano. Black Forest yes. Frappucino yes. Whipped cream in an Americano? No I don't need it. Thanks."
"Sorry we have to ask is all."
" Okay no big deal."
And then came the next ridiculous question, "Would you like that here or to go?"
"Does it matter? Aren't literally all the drinks to go? I've never been asked that either?"
"We have to ask that is all."
"I'm confused. Why would you when you're just handing out drinks. You don't have trays back there do you?"
"No sir. We don't", I could see he must have taken a lot of crap for this question. If they were asking that one daily, I bet he had to hear about it all day.
"You know what. Let's live a little. I'll take mine to go. How's that."
"Thank you."
The clerk rang up my total and his questions reminded me of a sales call I went on 5 years ago. They were useless questions and didn't even elicit a good response. The situation went like this:

We were selling uniforms at the time and we went to the corporate offices of Big O Tires. It was an initial call with the warehouse manager and we met him in the warehouse and walked through the entire place to get to his office in the back. We passed stacks and stacks of tires. Tires were everywhere, and when we get to his office and sit down with him to discuss business, what was the first question out of the sales rep's mouth?

"What do you guys do here?" The warehouse manager's response was classic, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I'm surprised the rep didn't ask him "here or to go?"

Stupid questions elicit even worse responses. Make each one count.

-M

Dear Sales Dairy- Is a Bullet worth a Bonus?

2010-08-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

On my way to an appointment this morning, I noticed a group of flashing lights ahead in a pretty scary neighborhood of Los Angeles. I didn't think anything of it at first because when you see a police car in LA it generally means someone is pulled over to the side of the road and they're being issued a ticket. LA is a car city and has been for a long time, with thousands of tickets being issued daily. Naturally, I thought as I approached I would see a sad motorist with his/her head down and the officer scolding them for speeding, or running a stop sign, while writing out a big fat ticket. This is what I thought I would see.

However, what I really wanted to see was a full blown accident with maybe a burning car, or signs of visible carnage. Like everyone who's ever passed an accident scene, you're hoping to see the visible remains of some poor unfortunate soul(s). His/Her body in pieces on the roadside, blood still spewing for from and newly opened wound, or maybe as you pass their severed arm hits your windshield and you take it as a souvenir. Or even better yet, the car they are in is on fire, and you see there arm jutting from the window, burnt and charred as they struggled to get out of the burning vehicle! Or better still the severed head of a victim is lying in the street just waiting to be taken home by a stray dog or coyote!

However on this typical morning, I was certain all I would see was a person pulled over on the shoulder and a ticket being written by a traffic cop. However, what I saw was not what I had expected...

As I approached the flashing red and blue lights, I noticed they were in the middle of the street. And as I came even closer, I noticed it was several police (8)cars blockading the road to prevent entry and exit. Effectively thay had shut down 1st Avenue in Los Angeles. The closer I came to the scene, the more I noticed that the cars were position to blockade a store and an adjoining house. In addition, all of the police were out of their cars WITH THEIR GUNS DRAWN, in the direction of the business and house. I thought to myself, "Okay please don't start shooting, please don't start shooting. And if you do shoot, shoot at someone else. Not me" The situation seemed intense, and the tension was raised higher because all of the idiots in front of me were driving slowly to assess the situation. Are people retarded? Don't they realize they're not watching tv and they could be caught in the middle of a crossfire between gang members and the LAPD? Obviously not, because they were acting like tourists. I want to shout, "Move you f#$%king morons. Do you wanna be shot?!", but all that came out was an audible shriek like a girl watching a horror movie.

What a horrible person I am? The whole time this is going on, I'm not the least bit concerned about the safety of the police or other people in the area. All I really care about is my own butt, and how am I going to get outta here and a save it. I slowly approach a stop sign no more than 30 feet from the street blockade. I watch the police to see if they are planning to attack or are moving in on the people barricaded in the house & building. Really? As if I'd know what the hell to do if they did start shooting. I'd pee my pants for sure, then after that I don't know what I'd do.

My was is blocked so I start to turn right to avoid the melee which is about to ensue. And as I'm turning, I see two police officers advance towards the buildings. I'm slowly moving through the intersection, and the entire time I'm thinking,

" Okay stay low. Keep your head down. And don't take a bullet just for a bonus you idiot! Wait why am I staying low? Is it stop, drop, and stay low, or is it stop, drop and roll. It's stop, drop, and roll. Wait this isn't a fire? It's a shoot out. Stay low so the bullets don't hit you. Now drive you idiot! Drive!"

I step on the gas and move quickly out of the intersection. So quickly in fact some of the officers are looking at me in my rearview as I drive off. I wonder if they suspect me of being in one of the gangs and if they'll chase me down. (The Tie Gang?) I stay low hoping they won't notice and I'm thankful no shots are fired in my direction either by the perptrators or the police. As I drive away, I almost put my hand up to wave goodbye to the entire situation but I've seen plenty of movies where when someone does that, their fingers get blown off. I keep my hands down and just drive. I'm happy to be alive, happy to be on my way, and happy to have all 4 fingers (thumb included).

There's more to life than just money. There's life.

-M

Dear Sales Diary-Lighten Up Will Ya?!

2010-08-03T09:20:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning so excited about a big presentation I was working on last night. It is a Target Account I'd been visiting for months. I had done all the research on the company, talked to many of the key decision makers, and pin pointed all of their needs in the presentation. I printed all the information, bound each copy, checked my LCD projector, organized everything on the kitchen table and I was ready to roll!

I was a little pressed for time, so I hopped in the shower and when I came out of the bathroom, the kitchen was a disaster! My puppy was laying in her bed chewing on one of the binders, the rest of them were scattered all over the floor and the LCD projector was hanging by its cord from the table. I picked everything up, saved the rest of the presentations, put the puppy out and headed out to the account. I had no time to print another copy and would make it to the account just in time. When I got there, fortunately the projector still worked and one person, Debra, didn't show up for the meeting.

I started with, "Thanks for allowing me to present to you this morning. I just wanted to mention, I'm kinda thankful Debra isn't here because my dog ate her presentation. Literally, I left the presentations on the kitchen table and she somehow knocked them all down on the floor and chewed one. so fortunately Debra didn't show this morning. Otherwise I'd have to give her a presentation full of teeth marks!"

That got a big laugh from everyone and the meeting went well from the get go! It's good to throw in a little humor from time to time to lighten the mood. We're all people so if you have joke or a comment that's funny: USE IT. Be warned though, some people think they are funny and they're really not. So test the joke on a colleague or a friend. "Laughter is the best medicine"...for a sale.

- M

PS: And unlike me, keep it clean. Meetings are not the forum for dirty jokes!

It's a dog!

2010-07-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today I had an appointment with my vet to do a check up on my dog. I took her in and all of the sudden he advised me that she had all these things wrong with her. She seemed to be cramping, she looked stressed, her color was off. It sounded like he was talking about a car! Not my dog.

You know those times when you go to a Jiffy Lube, an Econo Lube, or even a regular mechanic just for an oil change or a tune up, and then suddenly your car is falling apart? And you're not sure if you believe him? This is precisely why people don't buy because they don't TRUST THE MESSENGER. That's exactly how I felt as he read off a laundry list of issues, including the fact that she needed an air filter. Hello?! She's a dog! He explained that the filter would go over her mouth to reduce the harmful affects of smog. Jesus, really? That's great if she rides the bus or goes on the train, but I don't thing she'll be travelling much doctor.

I looked at him, nodded in agreement,took the dog by the lease, paid him for his overpriced charade, and told him I would think about getting all those expensive drugs and procedures for my pooch. Then I watched as the dog peed on the rug in his waiting room. The vet stood there and looked at me and then he looked at the dog.

"See. I told you she's got a lot of problems right now. Didn't I? Look what she just did."

"She seems fine to me!", I said with a little pride, "Thanks doc", I turned, and walked the dog out of the office.

When I got outside I scratched her head and neck, "Good girl", I said, "But a little shit woulda been better."

-M

Dear Sales Diary

2010-07-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today I went to visit a doctor's office where I had scheduled an "appointment". The doctor's Office Manager, Helga, a brute of a woman wearing pink scrubs, but looking like an East German swimmer asked me to "wait a moment and the doctor will see you."

I waited for exactly 30 minutes when she came back to me and said,"I'm sorry but the doctor can't see you today. Maybe you can schedule a luncheon for him and the staff.Lunch appointments are the best really."

My immediate response was, "I'm not gonna feed your fat ass just to get an appointment with the doctor! Let me talk to the doctor NOW!"

However what I actually said was, "Oh sure a luncheon would be great! What time would you like to schedule it?"

I'm such a pussy!

-M

Is That A Sample of Your Product?

2010-07-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

We've all had awkward moments when trying to make a sale, meeting new contacts, or just during our daily routine. Just last week, I had one of those awkward moments with a potential customer who I had been trying to meet with for weeks.
I just got a new puppy from the Humane Society, and was walking the dog early in the morning when I passed this business where I had been trying to meet with the owner for weeks. Appropriately, my puppy decided to relieve herself on the ice plant in front of the building and I was not prepared for her to poop that morning. Normally she just runs or walks and then waits til we get home to relieve herself. I panicked and searched for something to pick up the poop and found an empty bag of Cheeto's on the ground. I was able to scoop a different kind of "Cheeto" into the bag. We started walking along again, and who happens to show up right around the corner? The owner of the company, obviously an early riser and on his way to work. The puppy was wagging her tail and being friendly and he looked at me and then the dog and said,

"What an adorable puppy. How old is it?", he asked and bent down to pet the dog.

At this point I'm shocked and I can't think because I've been trying to meet with this guy for weeks and I'm holding a bag of Cheetoh's with a surprise inside. So I just blurt out, "Uh four months I think? She's a pound puppy."

"Really? She's cute for a pound puppy.", he said and began stroking the dog's head. The puppy was wagging her tail frantically and really excited to be making a new friend.

At first I'm thinking, "WTF! He thinks puppies from the pound aren't cute? How rude!" And so initially I thought to myself, "I hope she gets real excited and pees on his expensive shoes". But then I came back to reality and realized I had an opportunity to get an appointment if I played this right, and I didn't drop the Cheeto's bag on his shoe.

"Yeah, I guess I got lucky. I was the first in line on the waiting list."

"Well she's really cute. Hi puppy, hi puppy.", he said as he kept petting the dog, who was wagging her tail so hard her whole butt moved back and forth with each tail wag.

As he stroked the dog's fur, I said, "She's really playful so be careful she doesn't scratch you."

He kept calmly stroking the dog and so I figured I would take a shot, "Mr. Gonzalez, I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke to you a couple of weeks ago about a new product my company has that can save you about $20,000 per year. Do you remember meeting with me?"

" I do, but I'm sorry I haven't had time to get back to you. Been really busy.", he said and kept petting the dog who started to lick his face.

My first thought is to offer him a Cheeto because "I've been busy too you ass!", but I held the bag and my mouth closed. I just looked at him and smiled, then bent down and began to pet my dog.

"Good girl." I said. " I know you're busy sir so I won't waste your time, but I really think we can help your company so give it a thought and let me know."

"I'll do that." he said, and he sounded sincere with his answer.

"Thanks", I responded and we both were petting the dog for a moment.

"I gotta go." he said and stood up, " That's a cute dog. You run her around here everyday?"

"Yeah lately I have. She likes to run.", I answered.

He looked at the bag of Cheeto's in my other hand and look perplexed, " You always eat Cheeto's for breakfast?"

I was about to tell him it was a bag full of poop, but decided maybe that wasn't the best answer.

"Not always. Just today!", I said and smiled. "Take care"

"You too.", he said, "Call my secretary will set something up. Tell her your the guy with the dog."

"Okay...sure. Thanks again. See you later.", I said and ran off with my dog.

That was the best bag of Cheeto's I've ever had.

-M

It's All About Activity

2010-05-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

In years past I had bosses who told me it was all about "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" and then working hard and generating activity. First of all, what the hell are bootstraps? Do I look like friggin Teddy Roosevelt? Who rides a horse anymore you idiot? Secondly, it isn't all about your activity. It's about the right activity, and what you do with that particular activity.

It just so happened this boss had no sales experience AT ALL. That's a smart move by management. Let's hire an uber nerd to manage your activity and this will help you make your numbers. Why would we hire an experienced manager who knows when you're working, when you're not? Why would we promote a person who can actually help you manage your time and get you to work smarter not harder? That would actually make sense that's why. In my experience, despite their best intentions, even upper management can make stupid decisions that seem to have no foundation in reality.

So this boss had spent most of his formative years earning his MBA (8 years- Apparently he thought it was not prudent to finish his degree quickly). In addition, he was working full time as a manager at Spencer Gifts, which was regarded as a positive by management. It seems to me there is a big difference between selling fake vomit and penis pasta as opposed to a real sales job where you're out on the street everyday pounding the pavement. But apparently, management views it differently. Or maybe they just don't care. Just want to fill a vacancy no matter what the consequences. I've noticed in all the companies I work for, filling a spot is really what people do when they hire. And they hire people they like, people that are like them. Short managers hire short employees. Rude managers hire rude people. Despite all of the science involved in the hiring process, poor hiring decisions are made daily.

So this inexperienced manager comes in to "right the ship". As if our sales team was sinking. We were 95% to plan and just had a bad first 6 months of the year. But here comes the MBA to save the day. He has charts, graphs, and statistics on what we should be able to forecast by the end of the year. According to his calculations if we do 25 cold calls per day together with 20 appointments per week, we should close at 110% to plan. Assuming our closing ratio is 19.73 percent which is what it is currently. Really? Really? 19.73 is our closing ratio? Which half of a client did we not close?

He rides with me for the first time, and I want to hate him but he's a very nice guy. Wife, family, kids, same as most of us. Amiable enough, but nerdy and a numbers guy which no offense, doesn't work in the sales arena. Heh, I majored in econometrics I know. I was a numbers guy too but people don't respond to data, they respond to OTHER PEOPLE! I take him to a really big prospect who I have been working on for a year to see if he can help. My immediate concern with him on the call is that he will be awkward with the customer and secondly that he will not know the sales process. Here's how the call went:

"Good morning Carol. Thanks for meeting with me again. I just wanted to introduce to my boss, he's just here to help if you have any questions. I know this our 3rd time meeting, so I hopefully after today we'll have made some progress and start working together."

"If you give me better pricing I don't see why not?", Carol answered and laughed. She was definitely a numbers person, but very amiable. Nice lady.

Ray held out his hand for her to shake, "Uh hi my name is Ray, I'm Murray's new boss. Please to meet you." he says, shakes hands, and then looks at the ground. To say the situation is awkward is an understatement.

"Pleased to meet you Ray. Well I hope you can help us negotiate some of this pricing we're looking at from you guys. Murry tells me you guys aren't budging?"

"Don't know if I can do anything right now with the pricing. It looks pretty good from our corporate, but I'll use the Jedi mind trick on them to see if we can make it happen.", he said, looked up from his shoes and smiled. He had that weird smile, like a taxidermist or serial killer; nervous and creepy.

I suppressed the inclination to say to whom, "Who the hell makes a Star Wars reference in the middle of a sales call?" Now the contact is looking at me strangely so I try to take control of the call.

"Ha ha ha... I know you were looking at a reduction in price to help cut costs, and I'm sure we can review the pricing. But we are really selling a superior product here in terms of clinical outcomes. It shows a 35% reduction in hospital length of stay in the most recent study by Weintraub", I said and handed her the clinical results.

"Yeah and it comes with a free light sabre", Ray piped in trying to add another weird joke to the situation.

"Thank you Obi One.", I said and laughed again," But with a reduction in the length of stay this will help reduce your overall costs as opposed to just looking at our pricing and reimbursement. Does that make sense?"

"You mean if we use this product you'll guarantee a reduction in our length of stay by 35%?" our contact said and looked at me in disbelief.

"No, I didn't say that. I said that it has shown to reduce length of stay by 35% in some clinical studies. I don't want there to be any misconception on our part. It's a 35% clinical reduction. Nothing is truly guaranteed. "

"Use the force. It's guaranteed.", Ray said again. I thought I saw him holding an action figure but that could've been my imagination. I shot him an angry look and he stopped smiling and looked down at the ground.

"Keep in mind you've been using our products for a while in free trials and your patient's outcomes have definitely improved. Check with your doctors and nurses."

" We have and we're not sure the cost savings is realistic or justified. You've done a great job of convincing everyone that the product does work and so "kudos" to you, but were fairly happy with our current vendor", she said.

"We can appreciate your loyalty. It makes sense, but you've seen all the clinical evidence right? It beats all of our competitors hands down in performance under clinical trials and it's working with your patients right now. Why would you stay with a product that doesn't work as effectively? Especially if you can reduce the length of stay", I stated very matter of factly as if there was no doubt.

"Unless you can give us a 10% reduction in the cost to justify the usage we are going to consider other options. Sorry."

"I would love to reduce the pricing, but the quality of our products is worth that tiny bit more of an investment on your part since you'll be saving in the long run."

"Let me see the pricing again. ", she said with a smirk on her face and I handed her our pricing list for the 3rd time in 3 months. She took it, looked it over, and said nothing. She started to type some numbers on her calculator, wrote on the proposal, scribbled a few more numbers and still said nothing. I was silent, waiting for her to speak first and give me a buying sign. We were both quiet for a time, and she opened her mouth to speak but instead Ray broke the silence

"Listen Carol, this could go on all day, but we need to go. We have another appointment in a few minutes. Do you want to get back to us when you've made a decision?"

Carol was startled, "What? Where do you have to be right now?", she seemed offended.

"We have a 2 o'clock appointment. Why don't you just get back to us. Thanks.", he said it with no inflection in his voice. As if he were a robot. I could see that Carol was visibly upset and she thought he was being rude.

"Okay. I'll get back to you, but right now I'm leaning towards staying with our current company."

"That's fine", he said. "Let's go Murry. We don't wanna be late."

"What? Uh okay. I guess we'll get back to you Carol. Thanks for meeting with us. I'll be in touch."

"Okay. I guess I'll review this and talk to you later. Thanks for coming in."

We shook hands and I walked out of there bemused by my new bosses behavior. What the hell was he thinking? We were so close to making a deal and he just gets up and walks out?

"That was awesome!", he said, obviously invigorated by the call. "I've always wanted to do that! Turn the tables on a customer by getting up and walking out."

"I think we blew it in there Ray. She was close to making a decision and no offense you pushed her in the wrong direction.", I was trying to quell my anger with him.

"No way dude. That was just like Tin Men! You make them want it by getting up and walking out. You make them think they're missing out on something. It was textbook sales technique."

At this point, I couldn't help but be angry.

"Ray. Just so you know, "Tin Men" is not recommended reading for Sales 101. Neither is "Used Cars", "Boiler Room", or any other movies you may have seen about sales. You need to practice your rapport building, needs analysis and closing techniques. This isn't the movies, it's sales.

"No way Murry. You watch. She'll call you back. I guarantee it. And she'll wanna do business with us! It just like in the movie. They were pissed at first but they camme back and bought the siding."

"Ray. Sales is not like in the movies. It's not that easy!"

"Sure it is. It's about activity and talking to people. If you can relate to people they you can sell. And the more people you get a hold of the more sales you make!"

"Ray that's if people like you and trust you. If they don't; you're screwed."

" She liked me. I can tell. She definitely likes you"

I was visibly pissed off at this simple analysis of my job and sales in general. If it was that friggin easy, then everyone would do it! Ray's simple analysis of the situation was offensive to me and sales people as a whole.

"You wanna know what movie I was thinking of when you were in there talking to Carol and telling her we'd get back with her?"

"No. What movie?"

"I am Sam. Cause what you did was retarded."

All I Wanted Was COFFEE!

2010-05-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

Do you see the wonderful image of this young man smiling as he prepares your coffee? If you're a coffee drinker, and I am, that's is a wonderful sight in the morning...a smiling, happy, employee, ready to serve you a piping hot cup of coffee.

I don't buy coffee at Starbucks, Coffee Bean, or Peet's normally in the morning, I'm too cheap for the good stuff and lately with the way the economy has been declining, I'll take the Fusion Coffee at 7-11 and serve it to myself. However, there are occassions when I do feel like a latte,cinammon dolce latte, or just an americano and when I go to a coffee shop I'd like the person behind the counter to smile and greet me warmly. Just like a good cup of coffee.

Friday of last week, I went to my local coffee shop because most of the time the people are very friendly and the service is great! It's definitely a hipster joint with all the servers wearing offensive T-shirts, tattoos covering each arm, and probably a spec script in their backpacks. They're all very friendly and the environment is wonderful. I always look a bit out of place, because I wear a shirt and tie daily for my job, but no one ever gives me a hard time. It's very chill and very cool.

However on this particular morning there was a new employee who'd I'd never seen before. He seemed like an amiable young man, small in stature, asian in descent, straight black hair, a slight lisp when he spoke, and if not gay; then at least on his way. Which personally I don't give a shit if someone is gay or not. I just want my coffee in the morning. He smiled at me as I approached the counter and I thought okay he seems nice.

"Can I take your order sir.", he said without a smile.

"Can I just get a cup of coffee black, to go?", I answered and smiled.

"What I'm sorry, did you say you just wanted a cup of coffee black?", and he said this with a slight attitude as if I'd insulted the place for ordering a plain cup of coffee.

" Yes, just a plain cup of coffee,black, to go.", I responded plainly like the coffee.

" Sir, look at all the wonderful coffees we have here, why would you just order a plain cup of coffee?", he said and the lisp became more pronounced as if he were on America's Next Top Model judging beautiful young girls. He look at me as if I were an idiot for just getting a plain cup of coffee and I could swear he was pouting his lips as he spoke.

" I just like it plain. Sorry. I don't really want a latte or mochachino. Just plain coffee."

" You seem like that kind of guy. Just plain. Okay one plain cup of coffee coming up for the boring guy.", he said and walked over to the coffee dispenser and looked at me with disgust as he was pouring the coffee. He brought it back and handed it to me. "That'll be $1.95 Mr. Plain Black Coffee". He said it with such disdain that even the person next to me in line was slightly startled by his tone.

" Thanks for the coffee. Oh! And the attitude. Can I get my service next time without all the whipped cream and sprinkles?", and I let out a chuckle after I said it.

" What?", he said and he stopped what he was doing and put his hands on his hips. "What do you mean by that? Are you saying I'm gay?" And he said this loud enough to draw people's attention. As if he were looking for a fight.

I actually started to laugh, "What the hell does that have to do with coffee?"

"Whipped cream and sprinkles? What does that mean? Does that mean I'm gay?", he said it even louder this time.

By this time all the patrons in the place were looking at us. Me in my shirt and tie and him in his pink T-Shirt which read, "DON'T MAKE ME BITCH SLAP YOU!". It looked like a showdown over Proposition 8.

"I don't care if you are gay, just don't give me an attitude because I ordered a plain coffee. That's all", I said in a calm but loud tone.

" Oh because I'm gay, now I have an attitude?!", he shouts at me from behind the counter. The place is not very big and everyone has now stopped what they're doing and are looking at us. I could tell that my attire was not helping me gain support for my cause in the liberal environment, so I quickly decided an exit was the best strategy. I took my coffee and turned to head towards the door, but not without a parting shot.

" You don't have an attitude because you're gay, you have an attitude because you're a little asshole. Thanks for the coffee." I said and held up my cup as I stepped near the doorway to leave.

" Screw you. You tight assed, closed minded, gay hater.", he again yelled from behind the counter.

" You wish.", I said then burst out laughing and headed out the door with my coffee. I walked down the street, not looking back, and then looked in my cup to make sure he hadn't added anything "extra". I knew at that moment, I wouldn't be visiting that coffee shop anytime soon. Too bad, I loved the place.

I was slightly embarrassed by my behavior, but I hate when people give me attitude when they're trying to sell me something I don't want. As if I'm an idiot for choosing what I expressly wanted. Now if he had suggested something different, or had asked how what I was feeling like that morning; instead of insinuating I was boring like my coffee, I might have ordered something different.

Gay or straight, plain or cinammon dolce latte, we're all the same and we all want it "our way". Oh and serve it to us with a smile!

-M

The Interview from Hell

2010-05-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

As a Sales Manager, Service Manager, or just a manager, you come across people that you should definitely not hire, but who might be better off behind bars. And I don't mean the kind that serve alcohol. I mean prison bars. About 8 years ago, I interviewed one such person. I feel that after the experience I was not only better for it, I was lucky to be alive!

I was working as a Service Manager and I had a fleet of drivers who reported to me. However, these were not only drivers, but sales representatives as well. So they had to serve the customer and sell additional products in the process. This called for a unique individual who could be both humble enough to serve the customer but also have enough courage to ask them for a sale. In layman's terms they had to be able to take a lot of shit from people and still get them to buy our stuff. So sales experience was a priority.

Enter into the situation, Jimmy Johnson, and no it isn't the NASCAR driver. Jimmy, was probably close to 50 years old, an amiable enough person,(first appearances are deceiving) who came to me "looking for a change of pace". He thought he could drive a van well enough, had a clean driving record, and so why not give it a shot. Jimmy appeared fit enough, and he spoke low and slow, with a midwestern accent, probably from Texas or Oklahoma, and he seemed like a nice enough fellow to start. He came into my office in a collared shirt, without a tie, which was already a bad sign. He shook my hand heartily or angrily, I can't remember which, and took a seat in front of me. The interview went something like this:

"So Jimmy, I have your application here, do you have a resume?"

"No I don't. Do ya need that?", I guessed Jimmy didn't have a computer.

"Well, it would certainly help. But it's not a requirement. Most jobs you apply for nowadays they ask for a resume, so as a piece of advice you might wanna write one up."

" Sorry about that. I didn't know."

" Like I said. It's not a requirement. I'm more interested in the person than a piece of paper. So why don't you tell me about yourself."

" What do ya wanna know?", he said and looked offended.

" You know, the usual stuff. Where you're working now, where did you work before, what are you looking for in a job? Stuff like that."

I always tried to make applicants feel at ease during an interview, this way you could get to know the "real" person your interviewing. Keeping in mind you're about to spend thousand of dollars training and working with this person so you'd better be damn sure of your hire. That they're dependable, hard working, or that they're at least sane?

"Oh, I work at Pep Boys. Customer Service...behind the counter."

"Do you like it?"

"It's okay. Why?"

" Just a question. What did you do before that?", I said and I could see Jimmy was a little nervous and fidgety in his seat. "Jimmy, these are just standard questions. It's not an interrogation, but we have to know where you work, what you do, what you did before? Otherwise there's no way for me to tell what kind of worker or a person you are."

" Oh! I'm a really hard worker."

" Uh huh. Most of the people I interview say they're a really hard worker. What sets you apart from some of the other people applying for this job?"

"Sets me apart? I dunno...What? Don't you believe I'm a hard worker?"

" I do. I do. But there are other hard workers applying as well for this job. Why should we hire you as opposed to them?"

"Cause I'll work harder than them is why.", he said and smiled, proud of his answer. As he smiled I noticed he was missing a tooth on the left hand side of his mouth. It didn't seem to bother him though. I chuckled at his answer. Jimmy didn't appear to be the brightest bulb in the bunch but I didn't want to cut him short and offend him, so I changed my line of questioning.

" Okay Jimmy. I get your point. You're a hard worker.", I said and smiled at him and he smiled again, the missing space where a tooth was supposed to be, staring at me. "Let's try some different questions. You work at Pep Boys right now. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir. 5 years now.", he said proudly.

" How do you like your job?"

" Well I like it okay, but I wanna change jobs now?"

" And why do you wanna change jobs?"

" I got a little girl and she's gonna have a little girl, and so I need to make more money to support them. That's why I got the idea to come here."

" So you wanna change jobs to support your daughter and grandchild? Is that right?"

" Yep. You gotta support your kids no matter what. It's a father's duty."

I smiled, "That's admirable Jimmy, I'm glad you feel that way. Too many men nowadays don't follow that same line of thinking. Good for you."

"Thank you sir.", he said and smiled again.

" Jimmy, do you work with customers regularly at Pep Boys?"

" Well yes sir. I'm behind the counter like I said, in the Parts Department. I know a lot about cars and car parts. I think that's why they gave me the job."

" How do you like working with customers? Is it enjoyable to you?"

" It's okay. Sometimes they can be really nice, and then other times they can be a down right pain in the butt!", he said and chuckled.

" I see. Is there anything that motivates you in your job? Say dealing with customers."

" Motivates?", he looked at me confused. As if I'd asked him to solve a math problem or maybe tie his shoes.

" Gets you excited to work? Makes your day go better?"

" Oh I like car parts and cars. That gets me excited. I especially like it when I find a part a fella's been looking for for a long time. And I'm able to help him. That happened the other day. A fella was looking for a part for the AC on a 74 Corolla and we just happened to have one. It was weird, but this part had been on the shelf for years and we just happened to have it. Yeah that kinda stuff uh m-o-ti-va-tes me. Stuff like that."

I took that as a pretty respectable answer. And that's a standard question in interviews, "What motivates you?" If an applicant has half a brain they can figure that one out, and how to answer it. The only problem here was Jimmy barely had half a brain, but he answered it admirably. So I moved on to the standard follow up question.

"Okay Jimmy. Good answer. Now can you tell me what demotivates you?"

" Demotivates me sir?", that confused look again.

" Yeah what do you not like in your job, in your life. What just upsets you or gets you riled up?"

" Oh. Never been asked that before. Course haven't had an interview in 5 years.", he said and then laughed. He seemed at ease, and I laughed with him.

" Hmmm...Well sir I don't like it when people push my buttons."

" Push your buttons? What do you mean by that Jimmy?"

" Well sir, when they rile me up. They do something that makes me really mad."

" Okay...Can you think of a time recently when somebody pushed your buttons?"

Jimmy's face tightened for a minute and he wrinkled his nose as if he was thinking hard. Which for him, I'm sure took all of his cognitive powers. He did this for an uncomfortable period of time before I interrupted his thought process.

"It doesn't have to be work related. It can be personal. Just think of a time recently that someone pushed your buttons."

He went back to thinking again and then he looked up at me as if he'd discovered a cure for cancer, " I got it!" he said and smiled.

"Well?"

" There was this fella. Well, I mentioned my baby girl before, but there was this fella she was seeing, named Pedro and he used to push my buttons."

"Really, what did he do."

" Well sir, he got my little girl pregnant. That's what he did. And that really upset me. But that's not the half of it. One night my little girl came to me crying saying she didn't know what to do, that she was lost. And that this Pedro fella was mean to her and not helping with the baby at all. So then she tried to move in with him, but that didn't work out neither. She was real upset, real upset. And then one night she came home with all her bags and told me he was an awful fella and that he was mean to her and threaten to beat and that she didn't wanna see him no more."

At this point I was intrigued with the story and just nodded and let him continue.

"So I said to her what do you mean baby? You don't want to see him no more? You're gonna have a baby together. Isn't that what you want honey. Baby's got ta have a daddy. And she said 'No daddy, I'd rather die then let him near my baby. I can raise the baby. But I don't ever want to see Pedro again. Never, never, ever!' Well I looked at her and then I realized exactly what she meant by never ever seeing him again."

" What do you mean you knew exactly what she meant?", now I was the one who looked confused.

" Well, I'm a Vietnam Vet, and when someone says they don't want to see someone no more that means, they REALLY don't want to see them no more. That's how we took care of things in the bush. If you didn't wanna see someone one again, you handled it."

" Handled it? Really? Oh my god what did you do?"

" Well, I broke into this fella Pedro's house, and I waited in the dark with my huntin knife for him to come home.", his voice became very quiet, almost a whisper as if he thought people outside the office might hear him. I was hoping they would and call the police.

"What?!", I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was like a dream. I was literally on the edge of my seat!

" That's right. I waited in the dark with my knife, and for sure I was gonna kill him. And while I was waiting there I thought...this ain't gonna help my baby girl. Killing this fella. I can't take care of her in jail. This ain't the right thing to do."

"So what did you do?", I said at the end of my chair, waiting to hear the outcome and then immediately call the proper authorities.

" Well just then he comes in the door, and I grabbed him and pushed him up against the wall. I put the knife under his throat like this." And he showed me how he did it, by placing his hand under his throat. As he told the story, his voice rose with anticipation.

"And I said, 'Listen up Pedro! You got 2 choices right now. You can leave home to Tijuana tonight, or you can go home in a body bag tomorrow! What's it gonna be?!'", and as he said this he almost shouted the word, "body bag" and "what's it gonna be".

"Oh my god, what happened?", I almost shouted interrupting him but unable to contain myself.

His answered now in a calm almost serenely creepy voice, " He went back to Tijuana and my little girl never saw him again. And that's what I mean by people pushing my buttons.", and then he sat back in his chair, somewhat proud of his story.

At this point, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't think straight so I went to the interview guide which was in front of me and looked for a standard question to ask.
"Do you have any hobbies?", I said.

" I don't have too many friends ya know.", he answered.

I nearly fell out of my chair because in my head I thought, "Cause you're a fucking psycho!". I covered my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing and faked a cough.
"Excuse me a second Jimmy, just need to get some water.", I said and headed for the door.

"Okay I'll be here when you get back."

Again I covered my mouth because my thought was "I hope not you wacko!" I opened the door, and closed it to make sure he wasn't getting out. I ran into the Break Room, closed the door and just started laughing. Two of the other managers were in there, and they looked at me oddly.

"Okay guys, if I don't come out of the office in the next 10 minutes call the police. I got a fucking psycho in my office.", I said and started laughing again.

" What are you talking about?", one of the managers asked and he was smiling because I was still laughing.

" I'm serious. This guy's a nut. I'll tell you later. But seriously if you hear anything odd like a chair being thrown or a desk tipping over, bust in. Or if I don't come out soon, bust in. I'll tell you about it later. I gotta get in there before he goes postal on me."

"Alright. But you better tell us all about it when you're done!"

" Oh don't worry I will."

I headed back to the office in less than 5 minutes. I walked inside and didn't even sit down. I stood behind my desk and offered my hand for Jimmy to shake. He stood up and then shook it.

" Sorry about that Jimmy. It must've been my allergies. Well, anyway that's pretty much all the questions I have right now. We're interviewing a lot of people so I gotta go. Do you have any questions for me?"

He look confused again, " Uh yeah. So do I get the job or what?"

" Well, like I said we are interviewing a lot of people and so we'll call you back if you qualify for the next round of interviews."

" Oh wait, don't gimme that. I heard that before. Don't tell me you're gonna call me if you're not. I don't like that.", and he gave me that look that he had while he was telling his story. I knew I'd better give him a straight answer. I didn't want to "push his buttons".

" Okay then I'll tell you now. You're not a good fit for the job."

" What do you mean fit?"

" It's a service and SALES position and frankly you don't have enough sales experience. Sorry. But thanks for coming in.", I said and offered my hand again.

He shook my hand and said, " I appreciate your honesty. Thanks."

" And I appreciated yours.", I said and led him out of my office. I went back in and locked the door behind me. The receptionist buzzed my phone and I answered.

"You're 2 o'clock is here. Should I have him fill out an application?"

" Sure that should take a few minutes and that'll give me more than enough time."

"Enough time for what? Lunch?", she asked.

"No. Enough time to buy a bullet proof vest!"

-M

What was that?!

2010-04-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

For years I sold or serviced mats, mops, cleaning supplies, anything to do with cleanliness, and my company always prided itself on it's wonderful processes and procedures.

"We aren't always the cheapest, but we're the best!", we would tell customers.

"We may be a little bit more expensive, but heh, you get what you pay for!", was one of our favorite slogans.

"Our cleaning process is the best in the business. You're mats are put through a thorough sterilization,cleaning, and inspection process before they're delivered to you by our professional service representatives. So they come back clean,on time, at the right time, every time." was another marketing slogan.

What that really meant was. "we wash your stuff, hope we get all the crap off of it that YOU LEFT ON IT, roll it up and send one of our drivers out to you if he hasn't been involved in an accident because he was talking on his cell phone, or stoned, while operating our vehicle."

So it was important to check every sales sample before we left the warehouse because we never new what kind of shit was going to be on a towel, mat, mop, or even soap dispenser. All the warehouses I worked in, were either located in the inner city, in a bad neighborhood, or out in the middle of nowhere, where no one wanted to commute, and dental hygiene was not a priority for many of the employees. In either case, the chance for a production slip up was always a possibility. Don't get me wrong, my partners in production were great but sometimes things would "slip through the cracks".

As a manager, I would go with reps on what we termed "Target Account" calls because I had more experience most of the time, and usually big company buyers want the respect of having some stupid manager with the rep. Half the time these purchasing people were trained to be jerks, so if the rep brought a jerk of his/her own along (ME), then it balanced out the power in the sales call. Jerk = Jerk, and you have equilibrium.

In this particular case my rep Kenny, needed me to go with him to call on a large, local super market chain. It was approximately 20 stores in Southern California and represented a great deal of money for us if we got it. Kenny was extremely nervous about the account, since he had never presented or even talked to an account of this size before. The process for Target Accounts was always longer and involved many meetings, so I told him:

"Don't sweat it. Just make sure you have all your samples ready. This will just be a meet and greet. Ya know, question and answer session? We need to find out what they really want in a service. The hard part comes later." , I told him and boy was I right about that.

"Cool. Cool. I'm just a little nervous is all.", he said as we grabbed our stuff and got into his car, "Not used to accounts this big."

"You'll do fine. Did you check and make sure all our samples are good?"

"Yep. We're good", he said and I was confident he knew what he was talking about. Bad move on my part.

We went to the account, and I was under the impression we were meeting with a junior buyer, or a purchasing associate, but it turned out we were meeting with the Head of Purchasing, Dave, and his assistant, Tammy. I wasn't sure if Kenny was prepared for this type of call. Or if I was even prepared, so we did a quick pre-call plan in the car on the way to the meeting to ensure our success.

The corporate offices were located in a seedy little section of LA off of Santa Monica Boulevard. It was the original store and the family had decided to keep it's headquarters there for sentimental value. Not a great idea, since the store was now covered on one side with graffiti, and the neighborhood was crawling with drug addicts. Mostly "tweekers", or people who do crystal meth, speed, etc. The type of druggies you see scratching themselves all the time in front of convenience stores in the California Desert, asking for change. I assumed this particular store's biggest selling items were Coke and candy bars, staples of a drug addled diet. I tried not to touch anything as we walked through the main entrance and towards the offices which were in the back.

Surprisingly the inside of the store were really nice, and it was very,very clean. I could see why people would want to shop for groceries here, and was happy when an administrative assistant spotted us and led us up some stairs to the company's corporate offices. She led us down a hallway and into a conference room with a long beautiful mahogany table,nice chairs, and a beautiful High Definition television positioned perfectly on the far wall. As we waited, Kenny and I salivated at the sight of the HD tv which must have been at least 60 inches.

"Be nice to watch the SuperBowl on that thing.", Kenny said, and I just grunted approval. Men are weird about electronics, it's the same for women and make up. There's an almost primal connection for both sexes to these particular types of consumer goods.

The Head of Purchasing, Dave, came out and greeted us with his assistant Tammy, who was an incredibly pretty blonde girl, with enormous breasts, which she displayed prominently in a low cut, tight fitting, blouse. She was tall, and beautiful, an obvious tool for Dave to use to distract reps and get a better deal for his company. Kenny just stared at her chest and didn't even acknowledge her face or Dave's extended hand, while I on the other hand tried to stay focused. It was difficult but I took a seat near Dave while Kenny was transfixed and said very little.

Dave began the call by explaining he and Tammy had very little time, and that he'd like to see what we were offering with our pricing immediately. This was a ploy to get us to spill our guts, but I handled the request with a few questions to find out what they needed first. Meanwhile, I think Kenny was in sensory overload, first by Tammy's beauty and secondly the size of the HD television; because he was nearly catatonic. For the first 15 minutes of the call he said nothing.

As I continued with the call, asking questions of Dave, and waiting for his guarded responses. (Again, purchasing people are trained to be this way) I sensed Kenny slowly coming out of his revery and averting his eyes from Tammy's chest. In fact, at one point he even asked a question, "What chest...I mean what best describes a company you would do business with?"

"I guess a company that offers us something unique.", was Dave's answer.

Suddenly, as if Dave had slapped him, Kenny stood up quickly and said, "I think we have just what you need. Let me show you." He walked quickly over to our samples and grabbed a rolled up mat. He was smiling and walking, as he looked at both Dave and Tammy, obviously beaming now with confidence. He really looked like the "cat that ate the canary".

"We offer unique logo mats. Mats where we can even put a picture of your store on the mats and they won't wash off. The colors and image are woven into the fabric, so it stays that way for the life of the mat!", he spoke with such enthusiasm, he could hardly contain himself. He held the mat in one hand and worked at rolling the rubber band off of it in order the spread it out on the floor or even on the table. Keep in mind only the rubber back of the mat was exposed and so the logo was not visible to anyone, including myself. Our company rolled them this way to protect the logo and carpeting from wearing out early.

Kenny set the rolled up mat on the table, and with one hand he held the end, while with the other hand he slowly rolled the mat out on the conference table in order to expose the beautiful logo. Or what he thought was a beautiful logo. As he slowly rolled the mat out on the table, a detailed picture of a car was slowly being revealed to all of us. But as he got to the end of the mat all of the sudden a little brown mouse popped out from the unrolled portion and leaped onto the mat! It scurried across the table and onto the floor so fast none of us had time to react. We all jumped back in surprised and frightened.

"What the hell was that?!", Dave shouted and jumped back.

"A mouse, it was a mouse!", his assistant Tammy shouted and jumped up from her chair looking for the mouse as she lept up and down screaming, " A mouse, a mouse!", she was so hysterical her breasts nearly popped out of her blouse.

Kenny and I were equally surprised and needed to act quickly to resolve the situation, but he seemed transfixed by the site of Tammy jumping up and down, and did not move from his chair. In fact, I was the only one who reacted. I leaped up from my chair and held my arms out, as if I was guarding the mouse in a basketball game.

"Where did it go?", I shouted and stepped back slowly from the table.

"It's under the table.", Dave answered. "You can't let that thing into the store, we'll be sighted by the Health Department." He also stepped slowly away from the table.

"What do you want me to do Dave?"

"Catch it you idiot. Before Tammy has a heart attack, and before it gets into the store!", he yelled, while his assistant continued to jump up and down screaming. Her performance kept Kenny transfixed. He never moved, just watched her jumping and jiggling.

I moved slowly so I wouldn't disturb the mouse and noted that the conference room door was closed; I figured it had to be in the room. Tammy continued to scream until Dave shouted at her, "Tammy shut up. You're going to scare it!". She stopped jumping up and down and shouting. Kenny immediately came to his senses.

"Where is it?", he said and got up slowly from his chair.

"I don't see it anywhere I said. I think it might be under the table."

All 4 of us backed away from the table and looked underneath to try and spot the mouse. Since it was brown and the carpet was tan, this task was nearly impossible. We all moved slowly looking intently, even Tammy, who was shaking and visibly frightened.

"I see it.", said Kenny and he moved slowly towards a corner of the room, "It's in the corner. Nobody move."

" I see it too.", I said and then Dave confirmed it's position, "Me too.", he said. You could spot this little brown ball over in the corner. It's black eyes looking out as it moved back and forth trapped.

" I don't wanna look.", his assistant added and tried to look away but she couldn't.

" Tammy just stay still don't move. Kenny I'll try to get it to move towards you and you try to grab it.", I said.

"What the hell do I grab it with?", he answered.

"Throw the mat on top of it and then maybe we can get a jar or something to get it out of here."

"Good idea. Just cover it.", Dave added. "Then we can figure out what to do with it."

"Just don't kill it.", Tammy interjected. "It's just a little mouse."

"Okay. Okay. We'll try not to. I'm gonna move towards you Kenny grab the mat."

"Got it.", Kenny held the mat like a net, crouching, as if he was going to cast it over the mouse as it ran away.

I stepped towards the mouse and it bolted following, along the walls of the room. Kenny rushed after it while it moved around the room quickly. Hunch over while he moved, he was so focused on covering the mouse that he ran forward with the mat trying to cover it, and straight into Tammy's chest. He bounced off of her breasts, tried to grab them to prevent his fall and then he fell back onto the carpet with the logo mat flying into the air and Tammy screaming. The mouse, frightened by the noise made a mad dash for the door, and Dave seeing his only chance to stop the rodent from getting into the store grabbed a large, bound, report on the table and threw it on top of the mouse. It landed with a resounding thud on the floor.

"Got him!", he shouted, "I'm pretty sure I got him. He's under that blue binder." He stood over the binder, I was in the corner of the room, Kenny was on the ground, and Tammy was standing over him.

"Oh gross!", Tammy yelled.

"What did you want me to do. He would've got into the store.", Dave responded.

"Not that. Him. He grabbed my breasts", she said and pointed at Kenny who was still on the ground, but sitting up now.

"It was an accident.", he exclaimed and this time he was right. She was so tall he wasn't paying attention to her and he had run face first into her chest. I don't think he had intended to do so, but he didn't seem unhappy with the outcome.

"Yeah I don't think he was trying to do that Tammy. He was trying to catch the mouse.", I interjected. Dave nodded in agreement. Kenny go to his feet and sat in one of the empty chairs.

"Either way, he still grabbed my breasts. Uggh...I feel violated.", she looked at Dave.

"Sorry about that. It wasn't intentional. I was falling backwards and the mouse startled me.", Kenny reiterated his point. Tammy wasn't listening, she was glaring at Dave.

"Tammy I'm sure it wasn't intentional. But guys I think the meeting is over. We need to get this cleaned up, and frankly I think we're all too startled to continue. Leave your cards and I'll contact you later for a proposal."

"Sorry about all this.", I said, "We'll pick up all of our stuff, but I'd like to reschedule if possible."

"Sure.Sure. Call me Monday next week.", Dave said obviously still stunned. He smiled a little. " But just you, not him", he said and pointed at Kenny.

"That's fine.", he said, "I understand. But please understand all that was an accident. We don't normally have mice in our mats."

"Ha ha. I know. Let's just get past this and get back to work.", Dave said.

"Got it. Thanks." , I said. Kenny moved slowly out of his chair and towards his samples. Tammy moved away from him and towards the door.

"Dave, are we done here? I'm just gonna go to my office. That was the craziest thing I've ever seen. I was accosted by a rat, and a mouse was squashed in front of me.", she said, shot Kenny a dirty look, and headed out the door.

"Sure. We'll talk in a few minutes. I need to escort these guys out, before they leave else here like a cockroach or a rat."

"Very funny Dave.", she left and headed down the hallway.

"Don't worry, she'll be fine.", he said, "follow me guys."

Kenny and I grabbed our samples, shook Dave's hand, and said "thank you"; he led us out of the Conference Room, down the stairs, and back into the neighborhood of drug addled street urchins. I told him I would call him on Monday, knowing full well he would not take my call, and we loaded up Kenny's care with our sample products. Kenny got behind the wheel, and I jumped in the passenger side. Kenny slowly drove out of the parking lot and as we got on the freeway he looked over at me.

"Best sales call ever!", he said and started laughing.

"I agree!", I answered.

-M"

A Case of Mistaken Identity

2010-04-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends called me on my day off, just to tell me this story. I was at breakfast and nearly died laughing. I don't know how it will play out in word form but I'm gonna give it a shot.

We have both been working for the same company for almost 2 years now and doing exceptionally well. However, our old boss was asked to leave almost 9 months ago and we both have maintained contact with him just because he was a great guy. And despite opinion, you can be a good person and a good boss. In fact, in my career too many unqualified managers have ruined and I mean destroyed the careers of some great people.

So my friend Mike, or in this case Michael, was working late one night and didn't finish his job until 2 am. After a long grueling night he just wanted to get some sleep. However at around 5:30 am his cell phone rang and it was our old boss:

"Mike, good morning it's Tom Robert's here. Sorry to get you up early this morning Mike, but I'm in Chicago at corporate headquarters,and I've got the Vice President of operations Neal here, along with 2 of our customer service reps. We wanted just wanted you to give us an idea of how it's going at your account ______ Hospital. How are you this morning Mike?"

"Uh...good, good. I guess. What was the question again Tom?", Mike answered wondering why Tom was calling him at 5:30 first of all, and secondly why was he with the Vice President of another company?!

Michael responded but the whole time he was thinking "this must be a joke or a job interview. I'll just play along. Why does he keep calling me Mike, he's always called me Michael?"

"Ha ha. I know it's early, are you awake Mike? We were wondering how are things with _______ Hospital? Neal is just concerned since we've had some issues with the account, and it's our largest account in the West. We'd just like to be clear on their concerns. Did we get the billing issues resolved?"

" Uh yeah sure I guess. I'm not really familiar with that account Tom, since it's not in my territory. Are you referring to another _______ Hospital?"

" Nope there's only one...Always the kidder, huh Mike? Seriously Mike, can you give Neal a run down on what's happening with the account please. We don't have a lot of time Mike and we just want to clear this up before we go into a meeting."

"Oh sorry Tom. The account's good, it's good... Uh things seem to be better now. I was worried for a while but things seem to be improving.", he answered thinking "he must have me confused with his new rep. He never calls me Mike it's always Michael." So he starts sending a text immediately which reads, "Tom, get off the phone you are calling the wrong Mike this is Michael, not Mike. Hang up the phone!" He waits a few seconds but no reply is returned.

" Oh well that's great Mike, absolutely great. How bout those billing issues we were having? Are those resolved now? I know we were having trouble with their payables for a while. Did they pay those back invoices?"

Michael didn't know what to say, but he didn't want to blow Tom's cover and embarrass him at his new job. He also didn't want to carry on with this conversation when he didn't know the answers to the questions and he was operating on 3 hours of sleep. So he did the logical thing. He hung up the phone on Tom!

He figured that Tom would get the text and not call back. 30 seconds later, his phone rings again!

"Mike. We must've got cut off there. Sorry about that. So Mike, we were talking about those billing issues and I was wondering, did they pay us are they resolved?"

"I guess so yeah Tom, I haven't heard anything more so I'm pretty sure they paid. I'll double check though. "

" Great. How about that ICU Director, everything okay with him now? I know he was unhappy for a little while."

" Oh he's fine now. I in-serviced the account and he's okay now.", Michael said, lying through his teeth to protect his old boss, and hoping the call would end.

" Wonderful Mike. Well that's all the questions I have Mike. Thanks."
" No problem Tom.", he says and sends off the same text again.

At this point Michael thinks he's off the hook and is about to hang up the phone, but he's interrupted just as he is about to say goodbye.

" Mike, this is Peggy, customer service rep for the account. How are you?"

" I'm good, good. Thanks Peggy.", Michael responds thinking, "please let this end soon!"

" Mike, I have a few questions. Number one. Were we able to recover that missing product for their emergency room?"

" Yes Peggy we were thanks. I'm glad you brought that up. It was kind of difficult to find. But the staff helped me.", now Michael was just "hamming it up".

" How about the Cardiology unit are they okay with our service?"

" Oh yeah, yeah, they were a problem for a while. But they love us now."

" Good, good. That's great news. Thanks Mike, I appreciate the feedback."

"Oh no problem Peggy. Thanks for all your hard work.", he says and again he is about to say goodbye when...

" Mike. Neal here. The VP (he emphasized the VP part) I just want to thank you and I'm sure Tom does as well for the great job you're doing. Keep up the good work and have a good day."

" Just glad to help Neal. Although I'm not used to getting up this early", Michael responded and the response was audible laughter on the other end of the phone line.

"Very funny Mike. Thanks again we'll talk later.", Tom said.
" Okay Tom. Have a good one.", Michael answere and hung up the phone. He was somewhat proud of himself for getting through the call, and extremely confused about what just happened.

He sent another text to Tom and the exchange went like this:

Michael: "Tom, this is Michael, I just go off the phone with you, but you were trying to call your rep, not me."
Tom: "Michael why are you texting me this early. Are you up?"
Michael: "Yes, I'm up. I'm trying to tell you that you called me by mistake. You were trying to call your rep for the new company but you called me."
Tom: "Michael I didn't call you this morning."
Michael: "Yes you did. BY MISTAKE! I was confused. I didn't want to blow it. I thought it was a job interview or something so I played along then I hung up the phone."
Tom: "Oh, thanks Michael, wow I almost blew it there. I appreciate it. Glad you hung up that could've been a disaster."
Michael: " I did hang up but then you called me right back, and so I had to play along."
Tom: "?. I called you back?"
Michael: "Yes. You called me twice."
Tom: "Michael. Please tell me that was not you on the phone when I called a second time."
Michael: "It was. That was I was sending the texts."
Tom: "OMG!"

Take care of your employees and they'll take care of you. No matter where their working!

-M

Surf's Up Dude!

2010-04-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

When you hear "sales gurus" telling you that you can make as much as you want in this business or not because "it all depends upon you", that's not total BS. It really is true, you can make a lot of money in sales but doesn't that saying apply to any job in life. It is what you make it, and if you let other people push you one way or another, then you're screwed. Life is hard and in sales you need to roll with the punches.

As a Sales Manager a few years back, I had a sales person who was absolutely fantastic! Personable, looked great, presented great, and really was able to bond with people in a short period of time. One of those guys who can seduce any woman in the room and get every guy to like him right off the bat. Just the type of guy you'd want on your team. Except there was one problem: he couldn't get his ass out of bed in the morning! He would have made a fortune in commissions if he could just get his lazy butt out of bed.

He had a habit of taking a month off at a time, til I wrote him up for poor performance or he needed money and then he would just go out in the field and kill it! And I mean kill it! There was no mercy, he needed money he went and got it. And it seemed like he always needed that push from me every other month to keep him going. Well after about a year of threatening his job, I got tired of it. But what was I supposed to do...he kept selling. So I decided I would ride with him everyday til he developed the habit of getting up early and getting out in the field. I felt if I could change his habits, I could change the behavior. Ha ha , great theory!

So for about 4 days, I rode with him and things were better. He didn't even need me, he was that good. I think he sold 4 accounts in 4 days. A great week, and I was very proud of his efforts. We were riding back to the office after a great sale on a Thursday afternoon when he suddenly started coughing. So I'm thinking here it comes, "someone's gonna be sick tomorrow." And he keeps coughing in the car and I'm trying to ignore it because I know what he's going to say, but he says it anyway.

"I think I'm coming down with something. I can't shake this cough."

"Shawn...it's July. No one gets a cold in July. And you've been fine all week."

" I know. I know. It's weird but I feel light headed, and I'm having trouble breathing."

" Really? Seriously? You're getting sick. All after such a great week. That's too bad. Well just one more day tomorrow."

" I don't know man. I may have to call in sick. This is pretty bad.", and he coughed really hard after he said "bad" just to emphasize how bad it was.

" You're out of sick days. I can't pay you if you don't come in tomorrow.
Just come in for the first 2 appointments and then you'll be done by 1."
He knew I was not going to let him off that easy. I couldn't. We were making progress.

"Okay, I think I can get through it. Just 2 appointments right?", he said and then coughed again, "It's gonna be tough. I'll take something for it tonight and drink tea."

"Okay great. Bright and early that way we're done early", I said and he nodded his head and then coughed again. What a performance!

We got back to the office and he left immediately. I woke up the next morning and I knew he was not going to show up. I got to the office at 7:30 am and of course there was a voicemail message left at 5 am with coughing and weasing sounds mixed into the message. Shawn was a real pro.

"Uh, I don't think I'm gonna make it today. Sorry man. Really, really sick."

I knew it was going to happen, so I didn't get upset. I went on the calls myself, and sold one account but blew on another. As I was heading to lunch, I turned on the radio to KROQ in Los Angeles. They were live on location in Huntington Beach covering the OP Pro surfing contest and they were speaking to a bunch of surfers and fans. I heard a few interviews and listen to some music in between when all of the sudden I heard Shawn's voice. On the radio!

"Wooohooo dude! I am so stoked for this competition. Kelly Slater is gonna dominate today. The waves are awesome, my beer is awesome, and look at this weather. Where else would you wanna be."

The interviewer asked him, " what's your name and where are you from?"

The idiot actually blurted out his name, "Shawn Johnson from Hermosa Beach by way of Oceanside. Wooo wooo!"

"Shawn, shouldn't you be working today?", the interviewer said.

" No way bro. How could I work today, with all this going on!", he yelled out loud so the crowd could hear and then you heard a loud "Woo woo" from the crowd.

" I hope your boss isn't listening", the interviewer said.

" No way bro, he doesn't listen to KROQ. He's kind of an uber nerd, probably listening to NPR right now.", he blurted out and the interviewer laughed.

" Well Shawn, I hope for your sake he didn't hear that."

Unfortunately for Shawn I did. What kind of idiot says his name on the radio when he's supposed to be at work? The kind of idiot who has all the potential in the world to be the best sales rep ever, and pisses it away because he's lazy. There are two bits of advice you can take from this story.

Number One - Get your ass out of bed every morning because there's money out there to be made.

Number Two - If your going to call in sick, make sure you don't broadcast it on the radio!

-M

Dude! Turn Off Your Cell Phone!

2010-04-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

How many times in a meeting, or a sales presentation, or just in a movie theatre, have you heard someone's cell phone ringing? My answer, "far too many times." And the worse part is when the idiots who have the cell phone actually answer the call! How rude or stupid can you be?

A few years back I was working as a Sales Manager on a very large account with an experienced but fairly incapable rep.Let's just call him Cell Phone Jim. We had worked our way up the food chain and finally got to the actual decision maker. It was a long and involved process that took almost 5 months. But now it was our time to try and close the account with this one particularl high level executive.

We went into our meeting very well prepared. We had done a lot of homework on the account and received a lot of feedback from mid-level managers and employees. As the call starts, the intitial rapport building part is going well, we're chatting back and forth, he seems to like our company, we both went to similar schools, and all seems fine. As we delve deeper into his needs, I hear a cell phone ringing, muffled but ringing. My first response is, "Oh shit, did I leave my cell phone on?!", so I am speaking and reaching down in my pocket to check if it's me, but all the time I'm focusing my eyes on the prospect and what he's saying. The phone keeps ringing and ringing, and as I fish in pocket and pull my phone out, I casually look at my watch on my right wrist and then turn over the phone with my left hand to see if it's on. Very smooth and casual like I do this crap all the time! My phone however is not on, and then the ringing stops. Thank god. I look over at the rep and he is clueless so I figure let's keep going. By the way Cell Phone Jim always looked clueless.

We start speaking again and the executive is telling us what he wants from our company and I'm trying to align what we provide with his needs in my head when I hear the ringing again. I know it's not me so it must be him, but he acts as if he's annoyed so now I now it's not his phone that's ringing. I try to talk over the sound of the phone and remain focused on our prospect when the phone stops ringing and I hear a faint , "Hello?". I look over and my partner is actually answering his phone! I'm thinking you have to be kidding me, so I nod at our prospect and smile.

"Must be an important call.", I say to the exec, and he doesn't smile back and responds, "Uh...it had better be.", to which I laugh thinking he's joking but he's not of course.

"Uh honey, no I know, I know, but I'm right in the middle of a call. I'll call you back, I'll call you back.", says the rep in hushed tones as if trying to keep us from hearing him. Uh hello? There's only 3 people in this office and 2 of them are not speaking on the phone. I think we might be able to hear your voice dude.

"Sorry", Jim says and smiles, "Can we continue?"

"Sure", says the prospect but he's not smiling back, and I'm thinking, "We're fucked". So we continue the call and we're starting to feel comfortable once more with the prospect when Jim's cell phone starts ringing AGAIN. My partner tries to ignore it. "Great move, how about turning it off you idiot." is my initial thought. The phone keeps ringing which is making us all uncomfortable, and I keep looking at the prospect and wondering how much longer before he cuts the call short, and has security escort us out.

"Jim, why don't you turn it off?", I say to my partner.

His response, "Oh my wife would kill me. What if it's an emergency?"

"Everything with my wife is an emergency, but probably best to turn it off.", the prospect chimes in and then laughs. I laugh along with him, and then Jim chuckles and says, "Okay, I'll turn it off. Again sorry about that."

"We all know what it's like being married.", says the prospect and we all laugh. I'm thinking great, "We dodged a bullet there". So we start back in with the call and it seems the little phone mishap took the stiffness out of the conversation. We're joking around, talking about the customers needs, he's being much more open about everything and we are really making progress. This goes on for about 20 minutes,and I am just about to launch in to the presentation of our products when, that friggin phone starts ringing again. By this time our prospect is out of patience and completely pissed off.

"Thanks for your time guys. There's the door. We'll be in touch.", he says.

"But it's just a mistake. He just forgot to turn it off. Maybe we can reschedule?"

"He should've turned it off before he came through that door!", the exec said very loudly and very clearly. "Thank you gentlemen.", he said and pointed at the door.

"But we never go to present our products.", I said imploring a second chance.

"Have his wife call me and explain them.", was his response and I almost started to laugh.

We both walked outside, nodded to the assistant as we left the office, and when we got outside I was ready to strangle Cell Phone Jim.

"Jim, what the fuck were you thinking? Why did you not turn it off when he asked?"

"I was thinking who is it worse to piss off? Him or my wife? I gotta live with her not him"

He had a point, but I wasn't gonna let him off that easy, "Okay, okay, I get it. So what was so important that she had to keep calling you?"

"I have to make sure to bring home a chicken to cook for dinner tonight since it's my turn to cook."

"Jim, you mean to tell me we lost one of our biggest accounts because of a chicken?!"

"I guess you could say that?"

"Well cocka fuckin doodle doo! Good job Jim."

-M

Don't Let That Smell Fool Ya, He's Still A Customer

2010-04-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Working in the Healthcare industry you come across different types of situations. In fact, working in sales in any industry you come across unique individuals with varied tastes and personal aromas. However we all have to adapt if we want to overcome this type of "objection".

Yesterday was once such situation, where I was in a hospital and speaking with a doctor whom I'd never met before. He was well spoken, wore a suit, and seemed funny and affable, but I kept getting this distinct smell coming from him as we spoke. My first thought was, "Oh my god someone shit their pants." While this is not uncommon to come across patients who are incontinent, it's rare for me to encounter a doctor who has the same condition. So naturally, I thought I was the culprit.

When your in a situation like that, how do you excuse yourself to check?
"Excuse me it smells really bad in here, I need to check my drawers. I'll be right back."
" Wow something smells really bad and I think it might be me!"

I excused myself and went to the bathroom, knowing full well it wasn't me, but just checking to be sure. In addition I cleared my head and came back to finish my discussion with the doctor. As we talked again about the condition of his patient, the smell returned and this time I could tell it was not me. In fact after looking at the doctor and his suit, I could tell personal hygiene was not high on his priority list. As we spoke at length in regards to how we could work on improving the patient's outcome, I realized that maybe he was incontinent. A nurse was also engaged in the conversation and when we finished she said, "I saw the look on your face. First time speaking with him huh?"
"Yeah why do you ask."
"His nickname on the floor is Dr. Poop, cause he always smells like shit."
My response, "Good thing he's not a proctologist."

In any case, I endured the smell because I was able to make a new contact and build some rapport. And whether he smells or not, I don't care as long as he buys from me!

M

10 Reasons to get up in the morning and sell!

2010-03-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

10 - Dollars
9 - Yen
8 - Pounds
7 - Marks
6 - Francs
5 - Lira
4 - Euros
3 - Money
2 - More Money
1 - The most money you can make!- Are you getting the picture? If you aren't I'd get out of sales.

What other profession allows you to make as much as you want! Money is the root of all evil without a doubt. We've seen that with the current crisis in banking, but it also helps pay for your kid's school, your car, your house,etc.

Money isn't corrupt. People are. So get your ass out of bed everyday and go make some money for yourself, for your family, and for your company.

-m

PS: Spend it wisely please.

Top 10 "No's" from customers. What they say and what they really mean...

2010-03-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

10 - What they say - "We're gonna think about it"
What they mean - "You're presentation sucked and you suck"

9 - What they say - "I have to run this by my boss and I'm not sure what he'll say."
What they mean - "Get ready to be dumped like an ugly kid at a high school prom you loser"

8 - What they say - "This looks really good. We'll be in touch"
What they mean - "What the fuck are you selling anyway?"

7 - What they say - "We really like your product but we have other vendors to meet."
What they mean - "Are you serious? Why the hell did we meet anyway? Get out of my office I have more important things to see. Like a sandwich is it lunchtime?"

6 - What they say - "Thanks it was a great presentation, but we're required to meet with at least 3 vendors regarding this purchase"
What they mean - "Thanks for showing up! You're number 3 on the list of 3!"

5 - What they say - "I loved everything you presented. I'll review it and call you later today."
What they mean - "I'm a two faced lying bastard who doesnt' have the heart to tell you how bad you were and how much we hate your products."

4 - What they say - "We don't have the budget to spend this kind of money right now"
What they mean - "Lower the price loser or show me again why I should pay for this shit?!, or could be "My company's going under can you loan me some money?"

3 - What they say - "I like everything but is that the best you can do on the pricing?"
What they say - "Hi I'm a bean counter and I'm supposed to say this so you'll knock down the price, and if you do, I'll ask for more. Get ready to drop your pants!"

2 - What they say - "Your competitor's price is at least 20% less than yours."
What they say - " I am lying my ass off to see what you're going to do"

1 - What they say - "To be honest I can't see us doing business with your company."
What they say - "You are a horrible salesperson and I'm going to take off my shoe and beat you over the head with it, now get out of my office!"

Heh Lady! Your Face Died and You Don't Know It!

2010-03-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

Today I encountered the worst of all prospects clients, whatever you want to call them, the dreaded SourPuss. We have all different kinds of names for them in Sales jargon, oh she was an "analytical" personality, she was a "thinker", she was a "deep" personality type. Uh, she was a bitch.

And if it was a man his name would have been Richard.

Please note the picture of her at the top of this blog. Honestly, I did everything to try and please this woman. I made jokes about her kids, I pointed out that she was even uglier than the picture on her desk, I even said to her, "Wow I can't believe those are your kids?! They're beautiful...are you sure they're not adopted?"

In any case, despite her lack of interaction we went through the entire sales process. I asked her what she was looking for, she described the product in detail. I took notes about her needs, and then tailored my presentation to exactly what she wanted. By the end of the presentation she was so impressed with our products and services that she said she would buy them for sure. But then came the disclaimer.

"Seriously I loved everything you presented and your company seems great. There's only one problem. I can't make the decision to buy them."

"Why?", I asked.

"Because I'm just a cat you idiot."

Guess I was way off base on who the decision maker was for that account!

HAVE A GOOD DAY SELLING - m

Sales From the Darkside

New Employee Orientation and Training

Post Holiday Blues

What's Humane about Human Resources?

Are You In The Right Profession FOR YOU?!

Too cool for school: AKA "THE TOPPER"

Keep It In Perspective: Reality Check Please?

Beware of the Bullshit

My First Time

Professional Jealousy

Weekly Quotes from Nick Handy

LinkedIn

Weekly Quotes by Nick Handy

Weekly Quotes by Nick Handy

Smile for God's Sake

The "Milker"

Why People Don't Like the Gym

" I'm Out To Lunch "

"Dr. Would You Like a Mint?"

National Sales Meeting Part II

The Annual National Sales Meeting

Why Are You Wasting My Time Doctor?

Dear Non Sales Diary - Short by Humorous Excerpt

5 Not Jobs in the "New Economy"

"You're Scaring Me"

Travel Hell

Kill the Gatekeeper

May I Taser You Please?!

Are you getting this?

Are you serious?

Is This Too Revealing?

Smile for God's Sake!

Dear Sales Diary - Is that a purse?

Interview Tips #2-Choose wisely even in today's market

Dear Sales Diary: Interviews Uggggh!

Never mistake activity for achievement

Dear Sales Diary:Know Your Stuff!

Teamwork

Dear Sales Diary - Always Be Prepared

Dear Sales Diary - Ask Good Questions

Dear Sales Dairy- Is a Bullet worth a Bonus?

Dear Sales Diary-Lighten Up Will Ya?!

It's a dog!

Dear Sales Diary

Is That A Sample of Your Product?

It's All About Activity

All I Wanted Was COFFEE!

The Interview from Hell

What was that?!

A Case of Mistaken Identity

Surf's Up Dude!

Dude! Turn Off Your Cell Phone!

Don't Let That Smell Fool Ya, He's Still A Customer

10 Reasons to get up in the morning and sell!

Top 10 "No's" from customers. What they say and what they really mean...

Heh Lady! Your Face Died and You Don't Know It!